My Worst Sexual Experience EVARRR!!! (1429 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.95 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <KillWomen> (View user info) at 2005-03-07 15:18:08 EST
Memory triggered by http://www.ubersite.com/m/61404
::This story takes place about a year ago, in my then girlfriends room. Her parents are out of town and we are "making love" in her bed::
So we're going at it, doggy style, when I started having some trouble with the condom. It starts twisting around on me (see, I have a small dick) so I have to pull out to see what's going on. When I removed my penis from her vagina, I heard the longest, juiciest fart I have ever heard in my life. It must've lasted a good 20 seconds.
I don't really know how to describe the sound.
I guess it sounded kind of like a seal repeatedly flapping it's flipper against some moister than average mud.
"FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP"
Yea, that's what it sounded like.
Fuck, that's gross.
I had just experienced the notorious Queef. Now, I've experienced Queefs before. You know, you've got her bent over the kitchen table, you're pumping away like some kind of <insert funny metaphor or simile here> and you hear a little "Pfft". "No big deal, I'll get over it. After all, I am getting laid here.", I'll think. But this was no ordinary Queef, my friends, this was a massive vagina fart which EMANATED FROM THE DEEP BOWELS OF HELL!!!! I looked over at her with a "I just walked in on my dad fucking the dog in the ass, and I'm both confused and terrified" look on my face. She was desperately clamoring away at her vagina, trying to spread the flaps and let the air out saying "Oh, um, sorry, see, sometimes, it fills up with air" over and over again.
I almost threw up right then and there.
This once attractive girl had instantaneously turned into a loose-pussied, dirty whore. All prior feelings of "love" and "respect" for her completely disappeared, not to mention my raging hard on was completely annihilated.
ANNIHILATED I SAY!!!
Seeing as she isn't blind, she could tell that I was grossed out.
HER: "What's the matter?"
ME: "You just farted. From your vagina."
HER AGAIN: "It wasn't a fart, it was a Queef, it happens sometimes."
MY RESPONSE: "How often?"
HER REBUTTAL: "I don't know."
CLOSING ARGUMENT: "Are you sure? Because I'm getting the feeling that it happens a lot. Do you know how fucking gross that is?"
At this point she started gathering up her clothes whilst yelling some rather harsh profanities at me, telling me that we're through, that she hated me, that she didn't want anything to do with me. I suppose I could've yelled something mean or witty back at her but I was trying my best to keep the situation from getting out of hand. You see, I had just remembered she had hot friends that I wanted to bone, and if word got out that I was such an insensitive prick, my chances of un-lubed anal with them were next to nil.
Sadly, calling your girlfriend "fucking gross" isn't really something they forget, and apologizing isn't really my cup of tea. The only time I've ever apologized to someone was when I was making anal rape jokes to a friend of mine who was actually anally raped. See, I had completely forgotten about her anal rapeage, and had gone off on a rant about how feminists are stupid and somehow that turned into sodomy jokes. But hey, I apologized.
Anyways, back to Queefy McQueef Queen.
So she left and I never talked to her again, and I never got to fuck any of her friends.
The End
Oh, I also forgot to mention that I farted in her face when she was giving me head earlier. Maybe, I shouldn't have made such a big deal about the vagina fart, eh?
Oh well, live and learn, I guess.
And here's a random animated banner that sums me up in a nutshell. If it doesn't work, oh well.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-03-08 12:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Are you sure? Because I'm getting the feeling that it happens a lot. Do you know how fucking gross that is?"
-------------------------
This is exceptionally funny because, when you think about it too much, sex is a pretty awkward thing to discuss. Queefing and how nasty it is is equally awkward to talk about (especially to a girl). Alone neither can do too much damage, but when their powers combine the result is the loss of a girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on what gender and/or what way you swing). For your unabashed bashing of your ex's queefing, I salute you. 9 times.
Side question: I have yet to make sex with anyone, but any pornos I've seen most always have some slapping sound - I assume this is the result of two crotches pounding each other. How is a queef different? And I know I must be some kind of loser for holding onto my virginity as far as 17, so if anyone's response includes some criticism of that, piss off.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-08 11:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so crass that I can't give it anything lower than a +2.
Submitted by CaptainAmik (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I looked over at her with a "I just walked in on my dad fucking the dog in the ass, and I'm both confused and terrified" look on my face.
that was the kicker
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
w00t!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.enzyte.com
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-07 21:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You insensitive prick, welcome to UBER.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-03-07 20:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:41:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:56:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because I have quite a sizeable dick.
-2 for you, breakfast sausage.
--------------------------
ummmmmm
lets review, I am assuming that before you do any rating the initial value is 0
soooooo
0+2-2= Now give me a minute here, ummmmm, carry the one, ummmmmmm
OH WAIT I GOT IT -2
fucking moron
---
Not if he started at -2.
Submitted by ImpalingVlad (user info) at 2005-03-07 20:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I am traumatized for life.
Submitted by KillWomen (user info) at 2005-03-07 19:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:12:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
This happens mostly due to an anatomy issue. If you have a penis shaped like a mushroom, (or if you have NO idea what you're doing in the sack) chances are *you're* the party responsible for forcing air into the vaginal cannal. Maybe you ought to get penile implants so your pencil sized shaft measures up to your helmet - then this won't happen anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------
Well, my dick isn't the longest thing out there, but it sure ain't no mushroom/pencil dick, and I have a semi-fair idea of what I'm doing in the sack.
Also note: "She was desperately clamoring away at her vagina, trying to spread the flaps and let the air out saying "Oh, um, sorry, see, sometimes, it fills up with air" over and over again."
See, when she said this, I pretty much knew it was a more than normal experience for her. She obviously knew what was happening and how to remedy the problem.
And you sure know a lot about queefs. Are you a cunt doctor?
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-03-07 18:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it. Keep on drilling!
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-07 17:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ME: "You just farted. From your vagina."
That's fuckin awesome!!!!! I have only ever queefed once in my life, and it was so embarrassing. Come to think of it, the guy I was fucking at the time had a very small penis....hmmmm???
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You admit to having a small dick and you obviously have sensativity issues but.....
this is a very funny portrail of a sexual encounter gone wrong!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:56:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because I have quite a sizeable dick.
-2 for you, breakfast sausage.
--------------------------
ummmmmm
lets review, I am assuming that before you do any rating the initial value is 0
soooooo
0+2-2= Now give me a minute here, ummmmm, carry the one, ummmmmmm
OH WAIT I GOT IT -2
fucking moron
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess it sounded kind of like a seal repeatedly flapping it's flipper against some moister than average mud.
"FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP, FLOP"
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't believe this piece of writing, that actually made me laugh more than most of the tripe here, is getting -2ed because of this guy's wang.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't really know how to describe the sound.
----
You just did.
In my experience, here's their catch phrase: (looking back over their shoulder) "that was just air!!!"
my laptop is fucking up wanted to say more
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This happens mostly due to an anatomy issue. If you have a penis shaped like a mushroom, (or if you have NO idea what you're doing in the sack) chances are *you're* the party responsible for forcing air into the vaginal cannal. Maybe you ought to get penile implants so your pencil sized shaft measures up to your helmet - then this won't happen anymore.
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-03-07 16:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because I have quite a sizeable dick.
-2 for you, breakfast sausage.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I have a tiny dick and can feel your pain. I curse God every day for it.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ok
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The writing is good, but a queef story is a queef story is a queef story.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:26:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm... I want to laugh at this... I really do... but something is stopping me.
So I'll laugh at your tiny dick instead.
----------
Heh.
Although, I suppose it's better that you admit and don't lie like so many others on here.... That's worth at least a +1.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought you were gonna tell that story about how you couldn't get it up, after looking at yourself in the mirror...another "jackoff" session ended in catastrophy.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a DOUBLE LINKWHORE!!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 more for my linkwhore
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<toot>
i hate poetry too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61408
and my sex life sucks too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/59572
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Tiny Dick"
HAHAHHA.... you have a tiny dick......
AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHH!!
HAHAHAHHAA.....HAHAHAHAHHAHHAH...HAHHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA
"Tiny McDickerson" .....HAHAHHAHAHAA!!!
Ok, ok.... I'm better now.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You see, I had just remembered she had hot friends that I wanted to bone, and if word got out that I was such an insensitive prick, my chances of un-lubed anal with them were next to nil.
+2 for planning ahead!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I just walked in on my dad fucking the dog in the ass, and I'm both confused and terrified"
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm... I want to laugh at this... I really do... but something is stopping me.
So I'll laugh at your tiny dick instead.
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyways, back to Queefy McQueef Queen
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was disturbing.....
THANKS!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you know, if you'd lay in a central line to decrease air pressure during coitus, this tragedy could have been prevented.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didnt know you were into chicks