Strange Men Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode III - Old Balls (2776 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.77 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-03-08 09:18:34 EST
My old job totally sucked ass. Dislocated workers who needed retraining would come into my office, clueless as to how to start their lives over again. I understood the problems these people had, but most of them really didn't give a fuck and just wanted to collect their unemployment a little longer.
One day, an older gentleman came into my office looking for a little direction. As we stood there talking, I realized how tiny he was. We were completely eye-to-eye, and the only man I've ever been eye level with was my brother when he was ten years old. His tiny little wire-framed glasses sat on his delicate nose. They were so small, they could have been a child's. Everything about him was petite.
He was a nice guy. Very friendly and talkative, and always had something interesting to say. But there was something about him that just wasn't right. Sometimes our conversations would be so odd that I would wonder if there were any truth to them at all. For example:
"Miguel told me he was sad last night," he said.
"Who's Miguel?" I asked.
"My parrot. He told me that his girlfriend broke up with him," he said.
"Your parrot has a girlfriend?" I asked.
"Of course! Whose doesn't?"
After a while, I noticed him starting to change. His hair, which was silver when we first met, was now a dark, rich brown. He replaced his Pony sneakers with Nikes, and he also started sporting a new leather jacket. He began standing so close to me that I felt as though I should ask him if he wanted to sit on my lap. I was forced into the corner numerous times, with my back literally against the wall.
His visits became more frequent, and I became more uncomfortable. The other people who worked in my office would become tense when he came in. After hearing some of the things he said and witnessing the way he acted towards me, they were worried that he was a complete psycho. I tried to pretend that he didn't bother me, when in reality, he did.
"Maybe we can do something sometime, I mean, if you don't have anything better to do," he said.
"Well, I am pretty busy. I don't have a lot of time to myself, and when I do have time, I usually spend it with my large, angst-filled Nazi Skinhead boyfriend," I replied.
"Oh."
"Yeah, he is something. He gets so angry when other guys try to mess with me. It can get pretty ugly," I said, snickering.
"Sorry I can't stay, but I have to get over to the studio," he said. He fumbled his art supply box around in his hand, and nearly tripped on the plant near the doorway. He looked nervous, and that made me smile.
Nicky, a student who worked in our office between her classes, sat at her desk laughing. "That guy is such a dork," she said.
"Yeah, no kidding. At least he isn't bothering you," I said.
We were silent for a few moments, when I said, "Nicky?"
"Yeah," she said.
"His old balls were near me. When he was standing there, they were right in my face."
"Oh my God, that is hilarious. Old balls!"
"Oh, sick...and those stringy gray pubes," I said.
At night, I would devise plans that I thought would make him go away forever. Even though I told him terrible things about my "boyfriend," he still kept coming back. Either he really didn't care, or he was even more of an ass than I had initially thought. I hung pictures of my boyfriend all around my desk, making sure that I put them right in his line of sight. I borrowed my grandmother's engagement ring and wore it everyday, waving my hands around so that the light was sure to catch the diamond. How could he not catch on? I was sure that by this point, it was getting through to him.
But it didn't.
Right before Christmas, he made his usual visit. "Hey, are you going to be here for a while? I got something for you while I was visiting my son in Florida."
"Yeah, I'll be here for a little bit," I said.
Instantly, my stomach started doing flip-flops. I was never so nervous in my life. He seemed harmless, but how could I know?
"What the hell is his problem?" Nicky asked.
"I have no idea, but if he tries anything funny, I'm going to flip out."
I was so lost in my fury that when he returned, I didn't notice him standing in the doorway for about five or six minutes. When I looked up, I could only imagine how twisted my face became when I saw the tiny little bag he was holding. Motherfucker.
"I brought you something," he said, smiling like a little boy who just picked some flowers for his mother.
"Listen to me you dirty old slimy fucking cock-sucking asshole. I don't want any of your shit. You're a cock smoker. I hate you, I hate everything about you, and I want you to get the fuck out of my sight before I shove a thirty foot spike up your puckered old asshole!"
"Luce?"
"Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought. Listen, I can't accept whatever it is you have there," I said, in reality.
"But I can't do that, I bought this for you in Florida. If you don't want it, throw it away, but I can't take it back," he said.
"Seriously, I'm not allowed to accept gifts from our clients," I said.
"You don't have to tell anyone. Just open it, please?" he begged.
No words. I had no words, so I just sat there, pretending as though he didn't exist. Eventually, I caved in and opened the bag. Inside was quite possibly the gayest thing I had ever seen. It was a little cow that screamed, "MOOOOOOOOO! WHOOOO HOOOO! WHOOOO HOOOO! I'M GOING CRAZY!"
"Wow...this is um...funny," I said.
"Do you like it?" he asked.
"I love it. Thank you," I said.
With a big bright smile, he walked out of the office. What he didn't know is that as soon as he turned around, I chucked the insane cow directly into the garbage. Nicky laughed, and I told her to shut up before I went out there and kicked her ass.
Out of everyone who had ever pursued me, Old Balls was the most delusional. He was fifty years old, which was close to my mom's age, and he had a son who is twenty-six. Hypothetically speaking, if we got married, I would have a stepson who was older than me. It was not right, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't figure out why he thought I would be interested in him.
When I told my mother, she thought it was hysterical, but I didn't think that it was funny. "I can't believe some old fucker bought you a gift," she said.
"Believe it, he's fucking wacky," I said.
After Christmas, he stopped by to see me. I could see him checking around for the cow.
"Where's the cow I got you?" he asked.
"It's in my desk," I answered.
He looked down for a moment, and then slowly lifted his eyes as he asked, "Do you like me?"
What the fuck? I was completely lost. Hadn't I shown him that I didn't want him around? Weren't the pictures, the stories, and the engagement ring enough for him? Most normal people would have taken off after the first signs of disinterest, but this fucker didn't even get it.
"Let's go outside," I said.
I took a deep breath and said, "Look, I work here. I'm not supposed to become friendly with our clients. It really makes me uncomfortable when you come in to see me. I could get into serious trouble with my boss, and I think it's best if we keep our relationship professional."
Finally, everything I wanted to say to him was out.
"It doesn't have to be sexual," he said.
"What? I didn't mean anything like that at all. It just has to be a professional relationship. Nothing more," I said, and then I turned around and walked back into my office.
A few months later, he stopped by to get his transcripts and to tell me that he was moving to Florida. I pulled his file up on the computer, printed it out, signed it and sealed it in an envelope. Before he left, he turned to me and said, "Hey, maybe you can come and visit me some time."
"I don't think that's going to happen," I said.
"So I guess you don't want to see me anymore?" he asked.
"You would be correct," I said sharply.
He snatched the envelope from my hands and stormed over to the door, which he gripped tightly. Before walking out into the hallway, he looked and me, screamed, "Bitch!" and slammed the door behind him.
I was never so happy in my life.
Strange Men Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode I - The Zombie-Hating Skate Rat - http://www.ubersite.com/m/60906
Strange Men Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode II - The Silver Dragon - http://www.ubersite.com/m/61109
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 09:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-24 10:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want that cow
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great, I haven't been on this site in sooo long. Going back to read parts 1&2.
Submitted by Butler (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
These dudes, are totally whacked. That being said, you don't seem much better! You sound like the type who would keep coming around these guys and flirting with them so you can laugh at them when they try to open up to you. Yet all the while you justify it by saying they're freaks (which they are)ans that your not leading them on. I'd bet money that you've done something (which you conviniently left out of your stories) to lead all these guys on. I don't really think it's funny to walk all over people with psychological problems for your own entertainment. Plus, i think you lie about what you really say to these people to make the story better. If you really did say half that stuff you would be the most selfish and unsympathetic person on the face of the planet.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too tired to comment...
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a lot of guys sure do try to get into your pants. is that because you are unrhymed iambic?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:22:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are quite brilliant, and enjoyable to read...thank you!
Submitted by Sherman (user info) at 2005-03-10 11:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-09 18:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cant see the phrase "old balls" without thinking of Adam Sandler
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-09 06:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, how is Donkey going to compete with all these former flames?
...
On a side note, I really enjoy your writing too, thanks for the props and actually reading my stuff.
Submitted by PokerIsMyLife (user info) at 2005-03-09 05:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
After reading your mini-series, I have come to the conclusion that you are either 1) lying your ass off and doing a very convincing job, 2) part of some midnight FOX show, or 3) my ex.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-09 05:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your job sucks babe , go get a "life."Your only doin it for the money uh?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-09 04:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sterculius (user info) at 2005-03-09 04:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*Heavy sigh*. I'm going to have old balls some day.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the hardest things about getting older is not getting glances from pretty young girls as much, i can still get the odd appreciative glance but alas they are getting fewer and far between.
But in saying that with age comes experience and he should have read the signs a little better, maybe you should have bounced a paper weight off his head to wake him up.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-08 15:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha, i want to be in episode IV, ok not really....
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-08 15:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-08 13:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-08 12:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
come on. You can't fool me. You wanted him and his gray balls.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-08 12:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
he probably cried himself to sleep. you heartless bitch.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-08 12:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-08 12:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh, I get the feeling you were trying too hard with this one. Made me smile a few times.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-08 11:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ew. old balls.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-03-08 11:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter, men are thick. Really thick. Even when they do know that a girl does not want their attention (and they usually get the picture), it doesn't help them get her out of their heads.
The surefire way to get rid of a guy is to tell him, in plain absolute English, "I'm not interested in you."
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Old balls are creepy.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a fun series.
Maybe you should try the reverse with some of these idiots.
They pursue you harder when you are disinterested. Pretend to be falling for them and say the stupid shit they say to you and watch their facial expressions.
Confusion is always funny to look at in a man's eyes.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my great american novel will start with: "Where's the cow I got you?" he asked.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"MOOOOOOOOO! WHOOOO HOOOO! WHOOOO HOOOO! I'M GOING CRAZY!"
---------------------------------
That's exactly what I say when I am hit on by old men.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what a dumbass....pumas kick ass. that was his first mistake.
the next being, you know, the whole cow thing.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very very funny, hey we should go out and then you can write a story about me
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What makes an old guy think younger chicks would be interested in him? Freak.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So are you saying that you DON'T still have my cow??
BITCH.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is the best of the series to date.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These SO remind me of the stories that my wife would tell me about the nut-jobs that would come into the pizza shop that she worked in in high school.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:34:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you think he's bad, just wait until I meet you.
---------
You bastard, I was gonna say:
"Shlongy has oldballs, wait till you meet him!"
YOU STOLE MY THUNDER!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are too damn funny!
Great post as always!
Submitted by theshrew (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your horrible
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:34:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you think he's bad, just wait until I meet you.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time an older lady, probably a spry 73, was checking me out in the pharmacy line of CVS. I was getting some amoxicillin for my ear infection and she walked by me and brushed her old bony hand against my ass. I turned back to her and she had a semi tothless grin plastered across her face.
"Hey now, young man, if I was 54 I'd take a crack at cha," she said.
"Why not now? We could fuck in your old person bathtub," I offerd.
So then we went back to her old folks home and got in the whirlpool and I fucked her until she died. Then I rifled through her belongings and sent out a change of address for to her social security people and collect $200 a week at my house. I wonder if she is still in that tub?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 Only because you set such a high standard with the first two.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time an old, decrepit homeless guy walked up to me in a bar and asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said "No, thanks," and he said, "But I'll buy you dinner!" all excited-like. It was weird.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you love it