Imagine for moment.... (890 hits)
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Submitted by Id (View user info) at 2005-03-08 17:40:22 EST
Allright. Take a few moments and imagine with me....
Imagine that you have a CHILD. A daughter. You have a good job too. You're a teacher of insecure teenagers at the local high school. You're respected. You're one of the rare educators in this failing experiment called the US educational system whom the pupils respect. Respect and trust. So much so that they come to you with their problems, their dreams, their hopes.
Like a second family they become. You spend after school hours with them, helping so and so with her bulimia, convincing what's his name that joining the Bloods is not a wise career choice. Trust. You come to think that their trust yields hope. Hope for what?
You eventually decide that you instill hope for the future. That by your deeds the lives of a few can improve.
Then, September 11th happens. Yes, you have your 3 months or so of crisis-inspired patriotism. And then it passes. However, some of your prized students decide to join the military. Others have fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters who decide to join. In other words, several of those that you wish to help with your position of respect become directly affected by the falling of the Twin Towers. More than a few come to you, naturally. They're scared, they're worried.
None are like Julian though. His older brother lived in New York. His older brother worked in New York. His older brother died in New York on that day, one of thousands, one of the nameless cluster. Julian was hit hard. He wasn't even one of your students, but he'd heard of your selfless deeds of promise amidst the sea of tumultuous, pubescent doubt. So he comes to talk to you. Screw talking with his parents.
Are you following me so far? Can you imagine this life of which I speak to be your own? Good.
It gets kind of....painful now. But don't you stop pretending that this is you. That this is your life.
You spend day after day, helping Julian through his grief, his loss, and his reckless ideas of death and suicide. And through it all, he talks of the uselessness of his parents. Never had they really, truly talked to him about anything other than the superficial, nothing past ye olde "How Was School Today?" crap. He raged against their ignorance of his feelings, yet shut out any attempt to convince him that he had played his part by shutting them out of his life. Hypocritical. Like most teens you know.
His brother had been his link in the family, his go-to guy. And he had been taken. Taken at the whim of one very Angry Person some thousands of miles away. Julian hates him. Of course he does. This man had his brother killed. And in a way, you hate him too. Not just in the generic "he attacked America" kind of fashion, in the "the actions of this man are personally affecting me. By his will does my life change, against my will. He is my enemy" way. Weeks go by, and Julian's anger and pain fade. Of course it will never leave forever, but it is deep enough so that he can go back to way things were: systematically hating his parents while blocking them from his life, wounding them in ways he will one day understand when he has children.
But enough of that. You have given hope yet again. Against this newly risen black tide you have managed to raise a drowning soul from the depths. Bravo.
Now, back to that daughter of yours. She's eleven. She's your pride and joy (you tell yourself), your ultimate anchor in life (you'd like to think), and above else, a great and wondrous act on your part. She is after all you're CHILD. After all this time you still can take overwhelming joy in the notion that you CREATED her. That your actions and deeds brought forth this giggling ball of curly blond life, that by your hand will she grow into a person.
Yes, eventually grow into a person. Any parent, you included, knows that children are....well they're children. They're not people. A separate race, it would seem. One that is held above all of humanity. The CHILD. Those who commit wrongs against the CHILD are the most loathsome of monsters, those that commit great acts of charity and kindness in the CHILD'S name is elevated the heights of saints and kings. To move against the child, your CHILD would invite your absolute hatred and rage.
Because you know, deep down, that despite any beliefs you have of the power of forgiveness and redemption, that no matter what the reason or circumstance, any one, anything that tried to harm your CHILD, must be destroyed. It is that simple, that clear, in the heart of every parent.
Now imagine that you come home one day, after your months with Julian, your long afternoons and even nights with Julian, your emergency trips to the local teen hangout to calm his mind and assure him that tomorrow is worth seeing, after all that time with him.....and not with your CHILD.
You come home and are greeted by your daughter, your Ariana.
Ariana. A Russian name. It means "golden".
That's the first thing that runs through your mind when you see the blood.
Bright, crimson, and in the false light of the nearby lamp, shining with a golden gleam.
Blood flowing forth from the knife, knife protruding forth from the wound, wound gaping forth from the once perfect throat of your once perfect CHILD.
Suicide, the final conclusion reads.
Suicide, your daughter, your CHILD, impossible. Not you, not her.
Why? The police who question you, the social workers who try to console you, the accusing relations who grill you, all seem to think the same thing in the end: you didn't spend enough time with her when she needed you.
Needed you for what? An eleven year old girl commiting suicide, not being there, wha, no, stop it, STOP IT!!!
You're doing well. That was hard to picture, I'm sure. It only gets harder from here. You're also going to need an open mind for this next part.
It'll be worth it.
But first, let's talk about losing a daughter, or a son for that matter. Once the numbness leaves, it's only to reveal the deep, searing feeling.
Not anger.
Not loneliness.
Not hate.
Failure.
Failure to protect your Ariana. Failure to see through with your end of the cosmic bargain that is parenthood.
Nevermind that their was no other parent in this equation. Ariana understood (maybe) that early in life. She knew she only had you (did she?). And that (seemed to) suit her just fine.
Yeah, that's the other thing you notice. The doubt. The questioning of everything you ever did with your daughter. Too much time with Julian, was that it? By helping one soul did you condemn another? If you'd have known, you would have let Julian blow his hypocritical brains out in heartbeat (really? You don't think so). Ariana ki......kill.....you can't say it out loud, you can't think the words with out breaking down and crying.
But deep down, you know it was you (no).
The failure never goes away. But it also helps to create the rage. And the overwhelming desire for answers. Who (besides you) did this? Who kil....who did this to your CHILD? Was it Julian? No....you can't very well blame one who went through the same loss as you....no, not the same loss. No one can know the level of pain you know (so it seems to you).
Then who.....the Towers fell.
The Towers fell, and Julian's brother died.
The Towers fell, and Julian's brother died, you helped Julian.
The Towers fell, and Julian's brother died, you helped Julian, and Ariana died.
The Towers fell, and Ariana died.
The Angry One from thousands of miles away made the Towers fall.
The Angry One from thousands of miles away kil...kill...KILLED YOUR CHILD.
So, an answer has come. The culprit is identified.
Ok, this is it, the part which requires a leap of faith here.
Imagine that you could do something about your CHILD'S death. Imagine that you could travel back, back before The Angry One, The Evil One, ever dreamt of causing fire to rain from the skies and make the Towers fall. Imagine that you could go back, back to the beginning.
Would you take that opportunity?
Would you do anything to save you CHILD?
Even if it meant challenging God?
Now you know what went through my mind. Now you know why I did what I did.
Now you can understand my story.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52480 - But a Child
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53024 - Leaves
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53645 - Of Martyrs and Kings
User Reviews
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-04-14 19:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-03-09 12:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic work. I wish it made me happy.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-09 10:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Depressing but undeniably good writing.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-09 06:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-09 00:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...wow. I'm speechless.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-08 20:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW!! I am speechless and this is by far the best thing I've read on
this site in quite some time. Thank you for that.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2005-03-08 19:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-08 19:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-08 19:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, just wow.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-03-08 19:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Incredibly powerful but I'm confused. Maybe it's the stress at work right now, but that last part lost me... anyone care to elaborate?
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:48:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Frank the rabbit : Donnie Darko
You : Ubersite
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This is by far the greatest compliment I've ever received.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by negativesid (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in awe of your talent.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-08 17:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Frank the rabbit : Donnie Darko
You : Ubersite