Having Problems Shitting? Are you eating your fiber? (2073 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.12 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thored (View user info) at 2005-03-08 21:18:02 EST
I've had it.
I've seen one too many Bran commercials, and my Bran alert level has hit red. I honestly don't know where to begin.
Fiber, ugh. The horrors.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we cannot take off because too many of you haven't been eating your fiber."
At this point, some asshole comes in and tells people that we can make friends will Bran with Kelloggs All Bran Bars.
I think Kelloggs, and all that comes up is the fucking tiger.
Anyways, can't we just take X-Lax or something? I mean, my asshole has made friends with the toilet bowl hundreds of times without the use of "Fiber".
Then theres the great Bill Shatner, the inventor of pause acting. He was signed on to do Bran Commercials after he released some CD about being washed up. Bill Shatner, washed up? Never. Who could top this. I mean, honestly, hes great for fiber, his last name is Bill SHATner.
Captain
<pause>
I
<pause>
Cannot
<pause>
Hold
<pause>
It Together (Two words, Star Trek geeks take note)
<pause>
How the hell are you casted for a character that speaks at the rate of 5 W.P.M? That was probably a great audition.
Back on point, the commercials featuring the great one Bill Shatner are useless. They show fire fighters coming out of the bathroom and Bill Shatner clapping his hands. Well, I feel safe now, the guy saving me has taken a massive shit before coming here.
What the fuck? Can you please die? Why are you still on T.V.? Talk about a shitty job. I mean, he even sucks on Boston Legal. The man can't act, get over it.
What really drove me over the edge however, were these useless commercials about All Bran cereals. So, now that I have my fiber supplements, and All Bran bars, I need my shitty fruit filled cereal. Unless I can use my ass as a sniper rifle after eating all this shit, I'm not buying it!
The newest All Bran commercial features an art gallery tour, where the person comments that "All Bran Cereals were a better work of art that the Di Vinci pictures". After all this bran, you'd think your shit would from some unique pattern. Heres the great part, theres strawberry jam with your fiber. Now your Bran which tastes like shit, will be accompanied by processed jam, which tastes more like shit. I seriously don't get it. Does anyone buy this crap? I mean, isn't raisin bran enough for you people? No, you need to go beyond with your useless commercials about how people haven't eaten enough fiber.
Heres the problem, now I'm paranoid. If I don't eat my fiber, I might stop shitting. Wouldn't that suck? Blowing up because you couldn't shit.
Because of this new fear, I've decided to construct a simple guide.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
POOP
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 08:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shitting is fun.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-09 07:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Please do not enquire after my personal bathroom habits, thank you very much.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-03-09 07:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(( Too many fucking spelling mistakes, never write something about shitting while drunk))
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-09 02:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Umm... yeah.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-08 23:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha i love constipation stories.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-08 23:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your posts are coming along nicely. keep it up.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-08 21:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comfort Shaped, hey?
Submitted by ScottMaximus (user info) at 2005-03-08 21:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, I feel safe now, the guy saving me has taken a massive shit before coming here."
OMG hahsahahahah oh my god thats the best line ive heard all day. I wish my ass was a sniper rifle