The REAL Gilligan's Island (1093 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 0.6 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-03-09 14:39:09 EST
During a recent conversation with a totally random and unnamed acquaintance named Susan, I was shocked to discover that despite its untold millennia of syndication, and its legendary stature among the great passion plays of our time, the intrepid adventures of that most wacky and intriguing sailor 'Gilligan' have yet to reach the eyes and ears of many people unfortunate enough to have been born in the heathen lands outside America.
(That ^^^ was my Guinness Book entry for the longest sentence ever... I think this year I'll give James Joyce a run for his money, but he seems to have brought the Jamaican Bobsled team with him and it doesn't look good...but back on subject...)
Tentatively I have, therefore, taken this most solemn and sacred of tasks upon myself: to properly introduce the unknowing world to Gilligan and his island of friends. Allow me, if you will to transport you back in time...
(TIME WARP: "Whideeeleee whideeeleeee whideeeleee")
It's the time of technicolor and afternoon gameshows - soap operas and and variety TV - swimming pools and movies stars... (Cut to stock government film: 'Smiling, Apron-addled Mom taking Apple Pie from Convection Oven') The Beatles are all the rage, and the dawn of the age suburbia and 'I Dream of Jeannie' is at hand. People are driving cars that look like mobile pieces of art deco, and they are sunbathing in two-piece, itsie-bitsie, teeny-weenie, yellow polka-dot bikinis. Some might even be playing topless volleyball while midgets shoot water on them from a firehose...who knows?! This is my time warp. Anything can happen.
At any rate, this is the land that Gilligan grew up in. Gilligan was orphaned at a very yearly age and was left on the doorstep of an evil, evil man named Merv Griffin. Merv used to beat Gilligan with a rubber hose every night before bedtime, and he never let Gilligan have any friends.
But one day, Gilligan escaped Merv's evil clutches and, renting a skiff for 3 hours, he set himself upon the open sea to find his destiny, and perhaps the parents he never knew. After a while the weather started getting rough and his tiny ship was tossed hither and thither upon the open sea like a feather duster onto a sofa cushion, or perhaps a silicon breast implant into a piece of paper filled with anachronistic metaphors. Either way, Gilligan was fucked.
Then, just as he'd resigned himself to his certain death, he crashed onto the shore of an uncharted desert isle, strangely enough, an uncharted desert isle with palm and coconut trees, fresh water lagoons teeming with edible game, and a big sign on the beach that read: "This is the Uncharted Desert Isle. There is noone here. Nope, nothing to see here really at all. There are, indeed, no inhabitants of this completely undiscovered and uncharted desert isle."
So after changing the sign to say, "PLEASE SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY!" Gilligan decided to explore his new, uninhabited landscape, when much to his surprise he stumbled upon a village of huts that he concluded must have been put there by sea turtles since, clearly, the island was uninhabited.
Walking further along he discovered a radio made of coconuts resting on a workbench full of assorted tools and accessories that a Professor with a white shirt and partially rolled sleeves might use - but Gilligan concluded they must have fallen from the sky - thrown from a fiery plane that was about to crash by forward-thinking individuals who couldn't bear seeing their life's work fall into the sea, and who, spotting the island, decided to parachute the coconut radio, the tools, and accessories to safety - but the parachute had gotten untethered at some point and had long-since blown away with the wind, because, clearly, the island was uninhabited. (Writes another letter to Guinness...)
Walking further still, Gilligan stumbled upon a group of what he could only assume were cyborgs placed on the island to guard it and see that the its uninhabited state was never tarnished by the footprints of full-blooded men such as himself, and that it always had enough deserted beach to still be technically classified as a 'desert isle', and not just some garden-variety 'tropical island', as that would not only make it commonplace, but would also be difficult to fit into a song about the island, if ever such a song became a necessity in the future.
All of this was very clear to Gilligan, genius that he was...
As the cyborgs - whose names were apparently Skipper, Professor, Mary-Ann, Ginger, Thurston, and Lovey - proceeded to surround Gilligan, asking the questions they'd undoubtedly been pre-programmed to ask in such an event as this, he heard the sound of a helicopter chopping at the air overhead.
It was then that Gilligan remembered the coconut radio, the huts, and the sign on the beach. He also remembered how he'd learned in elementary school that with a simple modification, a coconut radio can be converted from a receiver to a transmitter...
So OFF through the jungle he raced, cyborgs in tow...
He collected the radio receiver and proceeded to make the necessary modifications without even slowing down. Seeing this made the cyborgs angry since they'd been programmed to keep the island uncharted and uninhabited. They quickened their pace...
Passing the huts, Gilligan, in his omnipresence of mind, set them ablaze - painting the sky with the unmistakable signs of activity below...
Utilizing the radio transmitter he'd just built, Gilligan began sending the international Morse-code distress signal "HEEEEEELP, HEEEEELP you fuckin' bastards!"
Continuing down to the beach, Gilligan ripped the signpost from the sand, tied his red shirt to one end, and began furiously waving it in a desperate attempt to get the attention of the helicopter pilot...
>>>>>>
...above, in the cockpit of the helicopter, the pilot is eating Ho-Hos™ and applying Visine to his eyeballs to alleviate the redness brought on by his excessive marijuana use when the international "HEEEEEELP, HEEEEEELP, you fuckin' bastards!" signal comes through his headphones.
Having missed the class that explained what the international "HEEEEEELP, HEEEEEEP, you fuckin' bastards!" signal was...and for that matter, the entire course explaining what Morse-code was, the pilot just thinks he is listening to the latest Beatles single, and, admiring what pioneers they are by discovering rap music decades ahead of schedule, he points his blundering aircraft toward the horizon - leaving Gilligan in the lurch.
>>>>>>
So that, boys and girls, is the story of Gilligan and his infamous island, and there he remains until this day. Legend has it, he became master of the cyborgs - reprogramming them to answer his beckon call. Some say he even invented a really 1337 way to impregnate one of the them, and has since started a family of his own. Years later, Gilligan changed the name of the island from "Uncharted Desert Isle" to "Gilligan's Island" because he was a narcissistic and tyrannical ruler - but it also because it looked awful good in print.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 20:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heh... They didn't 'lose' it, that's just a marketing term to get you to buy DVDs later when the technology is invented. The network execs pulled the episode reportedly because it contained a cannibal headhunter tribe, which they thought too politically incorrect.
If they only knew...http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1110415680500813885
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-09 20:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen brother ETS, those shorts were to die for and too a teenage boy with raging hormones they were heavenly.
Cool link too man but how do they lose episodes? thats weird.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 19:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-09 19:06:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha this was good ETS maybe a bit long but a good slant on a old tale.
On a side note i had a secret desire to do bad things in Marry Annes underwear.
-----------------------
Saxon, my friend, we share the EXACT same fantasy! Those 60's style shorts were the sexiest thing mankind had devised outside good liposuction techniques.
Here is a related link you might find interesting... http://www.dellamente.com/quicksand/doc/qsgilgn.htm
It's Ginger and Marianne in a mudbath together. It's from a lost episode that never aired.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-09 19:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha this was good ETS maybe a bit long but a good slant on a old tale.
On a side note i had a secret desire to do bad things in Marry Annes underwear.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 18:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I should have called this post, "After the Pandemic of Gilligan"???
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-03-09 17:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I <3 poon.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 17:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
None whatsoever.
Maybe it's true, maybe it aint. :P
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Jeanneee. Glad you got a kick out of that.... BTW: it's true isn't it! I KNEW IT! :P
No hard feelings?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:25:20 (#)
Ranking: -1
Eet mor Chikin.
-------------------
Fuckin-A Shlongy, you are a natural-born seaman! The gentle ebb and flow of your ratings indicate a familiarity with the high seas probably not seen before or since Gilligan...or at least, like, Amerigo Vespucci or something.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I finally made it through your post. I can sincerely say I'm glad I made the effort.
Thanks for your review on my joint-stealing story, by the way. I think it's probably my favorite review ever.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeaneee: it's ok, dude, I was just fucking with you. I am in a weird mood the last few days, as you can probably tell...oh wait, that's right, you didn't read the post. :P
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Eet mor Chikin.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cyborgs ate my mother
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to go, man. You totally schooled me.
I just felt bad for giving you a bad review on a post I didn't read. Incidentally, this is my third review of said post (which I still haven't read - I'm sure it's real good though). CURSE YOU, IRONY! YOU CONTINUE TO ELUDE MY GRASP!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that particular cybornetic being came from the cinematic feature, "I-Robot" if memory serves.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:00:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is that a Vincent Van Gogh cyborg in the pin-striped coat? Well written whether the sentences were long or not.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 16:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 15:57:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe she backed down and changed her rating, either...from a simple name calling episode?
----------------------
I KNOW!!!! It's pretty fucked up ain't it, bitch?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 15:57:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe she backed down and changed her rating, either...from a simple name calling episode?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 15:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 15:13:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried, I really did. I swear. I think you're just too smart for me to understand you. I feel bad now. Here's a +2.
-----------------------
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I totally punked you out! Ahhhhhhh, that's funny! Ok ok, seriously though... I can't believe you changed your rating. You are either really smart and realize that I was about to start murdering your family one by one, or you are really stupid and like inviting people to keep puching you around in future situations with the promise of favorable turnabout.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... it's cool. Just don't let it fucking happen again. :P
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 15:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried, I really did. I swear. I think you're just too smart for me to understand you. I feel bad now. Here's a +2.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The real irony of it is: that's not her real name. ;)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:46:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Couldn't even make it through the first sentence. Tell your "unnamed acquaintance named Susan" that I'm sorry.
-------------------
I see that irony is lost on many still.
BTW: fuck you for rating something you don't read you stupid slut.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
An entire episode without Maryanne or Ginger getting fucked?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Couldn't even make it through the first sentence. Tell your "unnamed acquaintance named Susan" that I'm sorry.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-09 14:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What about Maynard G. Krebs?