About an old friend (967 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lojope <lojope.at.juno.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-10 00:26:31 EST
Alan was older, I met him the summer before my senior year of highschool. I was 17. Young and free. Optimistic. Unscarred.
He was everything I was not.
We have since parted ways, but not on unfriendly terms. Not on any terms at all really. He just sort of faded away, along with a period of my life I can never get back to.
And now, suddenly, I am thinking about Alan.
More specifically, I am thinking about his annoying little catchphrase. In the two years or so I spoke with him regularly, I must've heard it a million times.
"Everyone you know will show you their ass at some point."
Pretty, eh? It's a lovely analogy.
But you know, it's true. You will never know anyone who will be perfect forever. Everyone has an ugly side. Everyone has a part of them you'd rather not see. And inevitably, that is the part you will see.
I used to laugh and blow it off when he said it. Oh, that's just my silly little cynical bastard, Al. Haha.
Cynicism has grown on me since then. Since I found out that love doesn't always work out, no matter how much you believe in it. Since I found out there are truly evil people in the world who will ruin you for their own sick needs. Since I found out desertion is very real. Since I found out that there are even worse things than a broken heart. Since my optimism has gone the way of the dinosaurs.
I didn't know.
I miss Alan a lot right now.
I miss having the cynicism at arm's length and not in my own head. I miss having that little voice of experience just walking around with me in my pocket to pull out for that extra bit of information about whatever I wanted to know. I miss sitting at a restaurant and learning exactly how taxes work and exactly what the founding fathers had in mind when they created this god-forsaken plutocracy.
I miss all of his scars and all of his stories.
The way he had an answer for everything. The way he never faltered.
He called me a few days after the bad thing happened. He asked what was wrong. I asked him to drive out to see me. He said he couldn't. I told him what happened. He was here in 40 minutes.
We went to the diner. He paid. He always paid without question. Chivalry was an ideal he mocked, yet lived by.
He warned me.
He knew what would happen. He knew all of it. He knew about Eric. He knew I'd get stupid and careless with sex. He knew I'd end up pregnant. He knew what Eric would do. He knew what the long-term consequences would be.
I blew him off. Silly little cynic. So old and jaded. It wasn't going to happen to me like that. I was special. Not everything turns out bad. Alan, my dear, you don't know what you're talking about.
He knew exactly what he was talking about.
I miss having the voice of experience around. I miss having a much older friend. So much older that we had to sneak around to see each other, because the world wouldn't understand. They would think that a 33 year old man only wants one thing from a 17 year old girl.
What the world didn't know, was he was already getting that from a different 17 year old, so I was safe.
I knew, even though it was a secret. I knew everything that was going on.
Part of me was jealous of it. I know Alan loved me, but not as much as her. Never as much as her. I was always the second choice. Until she left. Then I had all his attention.
Until he met that woman. Until he found someone his own age to play with. Then he stopped being part of my life. Or I stopped being part of his.
The older I get, the more I see truth in Alan's ranting. The more I start to feel what he felt. The more I think maybe I was jaded and he was seeing clearly.
And that scares me.
I want truth. I want clarity.
I just want truth to be good news. I don't want to see everyone's ass. I want to see smiles and sunshine.
But I don't know if smiles and sunshine even exist.
I thought I saw them once. That summer between my junior and senior year. The summer when Lyn, Marie and I went to Rochester, and stopped at Al's on the way home. It was the first time I met him. He bought us cigarettes and we played with his ferrets. I tried on a chainmail shirt. I remember every day of that summer. I remember the way the world sparkled.
I remember how dark and foreign Alan was in that world. How exciting and new. It was the way he didn't match with my reality that made him so interesting. That was the reason I drank him up every chance I could get. Like a dark splotch amidst a field of daisies, like a car wreck that you can't help but stare at.
And now... the darkness doesn't seem so out of place. It's enveloped the daisies. It's choked the sparkles out of everything.
I've become Alan. Silly little cynic. So old and jaded.
And he's become me. So happy and in love. Successful. Feeling all is right with the world.
And he's not even around to appreciate the irony.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-11 16:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff kid.
Hey you wanna see my ass?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 22:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh... thanks JJF
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-10 14:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to come kicking and screaming into the land of adulthood!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-10 10:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 10:04:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Mike.
You're welcome.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-10 10:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exercise.
Works everytime.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 10:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Mike.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-10 09:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a two here for the sentiment of the post.
Sometimes we have to create our own sunshine and smiles. With them we draw people to us as a shepherd draws a flock.
There is much bad out there, we need to be examples of good when we can.
Only then can we realize our true potential, however insignificant that may sound.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-10 09:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good exists. You seem to be refusing to look at it though.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-10 08:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 08:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, cindy.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-10 07:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture looks like Adam's "wife".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-03-10 07:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are plenty of Erics and Alans out there. Now, hopefully, you'll be able to tell the two apart. That's the gift of experience. Whether you'll want to or not is it's curse.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He bought us cigarettes and we played with his ferrets.
.... is that like a euphamism?
Submitted by sixmilliondots (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:08:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a bitch.
This was beautiful. I think we all lose our innocence at some point, everyone WILL always show us their ass.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I take back all my minus two's, if I ever gave you any
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
- George Bernard Shaw
You should be glad you got the time you did to be all optimistic. I'm finding myself turning into a cynic, or atleast a gentle cynic and I'm only 18.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking gay.
Needs way more blow jobs, forced sodomy and pickles for christ's sake woman!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not a bitch.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww c'mon this guy is fun.
I'm having a blast with him on my post.
Even when he's lost he thinks he's won.
It's a special kind of retardation.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sweet. Goodnight then.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nah, it looks like you already won.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Me, probably, Durae, I'm gonna go to bed eventually.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooooooh it's a showdown... who will crack first?
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:55:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could just not take the bait. I'm having some insomnia and this is my post, I don't have to shut up if I don't want to.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
could you quit trying to bait me with questions? shut the fuck up please
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not really, but way to jump on the bandwagon. Seriously, do you not have anything of your own to say?
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are an attention-whore though
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not a bitch
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not a guy.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't sexually abused
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
says the bitch who's only known for asking questions and telling people she was sexually abused
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Says the guy whose only positively rated posts are lists of other uberusers.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lojope=auto 0. I don't know why youre worth reading, you are so average every time you write it astoundsme
Submitted by jdl3771 (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, i guess it really is late
let's try that again....
"I know of smiles and sunshine, it's my life.
anyway, i like the bit about "Everyone you know will show you their ass at some point." god, i really hope i never am forced to see the asses of some people i know. i could live a long happy life not having to see certain people's asses."
p.s. i'm not sure that i remember alan
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remmember Alan....
Submitted by jdl3771 (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know of smiles and sunshine, it's my life.
anyway, i like the bit about "Everyone you know will show you their ass at some point." god, i really hope i never am forced to see the asses of some peopl i know. i could life a long happy life not having to see certain people's asses.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:37:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
moving, as always.
It won't rain all the time... haha
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know...as long as you can still remember the sparkle and the smiles and the sunshine, they're still there. Sometimes they seem more distant than others, because nothing stays perfect all the time. But you can't get through the bad without remember and holding onto the good, and you can't really appreciate the good without the bad. It's a symbiotic relationship that only works if both show up from time to time.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-10 00:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good read.
Don't be too depressed.
Life is Sunshine and Ass. It's grey and upredictable and innocence can't be held forever.
Adventures aren't all good times. Adventures are made up of strife and triumph.
Life's an adventure.
Revel in it.
Now I'm going to quietly slide off of my high horse and try not to think too much about the mess I've made of mine.