Goddammit, I'm fucking lazy. (781 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lita <cpcreed2000.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-10 01:38:37 EST
It's hard to be optimistic.
It's one of the hardest things in the world to keep a good, positive attitude...
To just smile and keep going, even if you know that you'll never make the top.
To just accept your mistakes and get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror, and un-fuck yourself without biting the dust by the end of the day.
Recently I've found myself in a bit of a red streak.
(I tend to use terminology and slang that no one else uses, so I feel obligated to explain that a "feeling of the reds" is basically like a depression...but sort of worse. Mainly because it is caused by something abstract. )
Anyways. I have felt this way...this unnamed "hopelessness", but it's never been as bad as this before.
I wake up in the morning and I can't will myself out of bed. I sit around all day. I mean, the most creative thing I do is think up excuses for not doing things.
I'm a loser.
I used to have goals. I used to think I was special. I used to believe that I was different and that I'd be understood and loved and just...remembered.
But now, all I feel is this strange clarity that all of this is a huge farce. I wish that someone would have pulled me aside when I was younger and told me to just aim low...to just be happy with some shitty retail job and not feel out of place because I really am just like everyone else.
I don't even have any gumption to try to change my situation. I can't face people. I don't even know where to start to talk about it, mostly because somewhere inside of me I know it's all bullshit. But it's also because I just don't want anyone to notice. I've always been the "happy" one. Always "cheery". Why depress people who I love with all this filth inside my mind? I don't want anyone else to feel the way I'm feeling.
So I slap on the mask while in the meantime, I'm crying inside.
I know this will pass. It usually does. But it just seems so difficult. But I must. I gotta choose life. It can't be this desolate.
It can't be!
My parents always say that it isn't really laziness that kills people. It's fear. I look at it closely, and they're right. I'm scared shitless. I am scared of walking up to my teacher and telling her to change my grade even though I know I deserve better. I am frightened of handing in a paper a little late. I am scared of failure. I'm afraid of being seen, even though it's what I really want. So scared that I don't do anything.
I'm going to start to keep lists now. Little goals so I can just...get out of this laziness. I can feel it slowly suffocating me...like a room just getting smaller and smaller.
I am going to be strong. I am strong (Well, I'd like to think that I am). I am 19 years old. I can change myself. That's more important than anything...
Besides, that's gotta be easier than just wasting away here...Biting my nails until I have nothing left. Until I really am like everyone else.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to get up. I'm going to go to school. Get everything in order. Cut down on the shit that is bad for me.
It seems writing it all down is good...I know it's just words..but I'm going to try to be good. Get out of this reds. Be more like myself.
Be optimistic. Even on a cloudy day, there are beautiful things to look at. There is always something to live for, even if it's yourself. I may not be able to do everything...but I certainly can get a few As and accomplish a few goals. That's not so difficult.
All the rest just seems so hard.
But then again....Lots of really good things are hard. A hard man is good to find.
(I know I'm going to get -2ed to all hell, but I don't care! Here. Have a pic of my puppies.)
User Reviews
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 13:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-10 12:54:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just wait till you're 36, widowed, divorced, lost your house, got fired from your job (humiliation from hell, that is) alcoholic, and alone in a very, very cold world.
But hey, cheer up! Only good things will happen to you! Right? Right? Right?
=================
Hey man, bad things happen...But you just gotta take em as they roll. *shrug*
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 13:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Silk (user info) at 2005-03-10 13:22:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's PMS bipolar state of the world ordinary shit. We all go through it. I'd recommend (as a doctor, you understand) Heroin.
And, umm...one of your dogs is from another planet.
======================
THAT explains why she talks to ants and eats our floor wax.
Submitted by Silk (user info) at 2005-03-10 13:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's PMS bipolar state of the world ordinary shit. We all go through it. I'd recommend (as a doctor, you understand) Heroin.
And, umm...one of your dogs is from another planet.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-10 12:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just wait till you're 36, widowed, divorced, lost your house, got fired from your job (humiliation from hell, that is) alcoholic, and alone in a very, very cold world.
But hey, cheer up! Only good things will happen to you! Right? Right? Right?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-10 12:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever it is, if you want it bad enough, you can.
Good luck.
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-03-10 12:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
crazy woman with stupid dogs...good luck with that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-10 11:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get off your ass and go do it, bitch.
If you ever shake the malaise, I'll give you a +2...and a spanking.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-10 09:38:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love these late-night-revelations posts.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-10 08:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wait till you're still feeling like this at 26. It's great, let me tell you.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-10 07:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me too! zzzzzzzz.... zzzzzzzzz....
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-10 06:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-10 04:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dogs +2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-10 03:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Already 1 step ahead of you, my man. I'm high as FUCK.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 03:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do them all at the same time and see what happens.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-10 03:09:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I said ADDERALL! AMPHETAMINES RULE!
Shitfuck, I just scored a friend's stash of headies since he's quitting...
blueberry, organic north coast outdoor kush... DROOOOOOL... train crash... ahh... i'm so happy...
can you say white widow 4 bubble hash?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://oldpoetry.com/volume/539
Ginsberg archive.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:36:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally forgot what I was gonna say.
-------------------------
Keep smoking baby!
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally forgot what I was gonna say.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:23:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a ridiculous amount of pot in my possession.
At least half a lung's worth.
============
Do you live in Ny? I need some replenishment. I'm planning on spending tomorrow with my girlies, getting fucked, and watching anchorman...hahahah
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a ridiculous amount of pot in my possession.
At least half a lung's worth.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Am1.16; E51 ***Around the pillars of Urthona, and round thy dark limbs,
Am1.17; E51| On the Canadian wilds I fold, feeble my spirit folds.
Am1.18; E51| For chaind beneath I rend these caverns; when thou bringest food
Am1.19; E51| I howl my joy! and my red eyes seek to behold thy face
Am1.20; E51| In vain! these clouds roll to & fro, & hide thee from my sight.
Am2.1; E52| Silent as despairing love, and strong as jealousy,
Am2.2; E52| The hairy shoulders rend the links, free are the wrists of fire;
Am2.3; E52| Round the terrific loins he siez'd the panting struggling womb;
Am2.4; E52| It joy'd: she put aside her clouds & smiled her first-born smile;
Am2.5; E52| As when a black cloud shews its light'nings to the silent deep.
Am2.6; E52| Soon as she saw the terrible boy then burst the virgin cry.
Am2.7; E52| I know thee, I have found thee, & I will not let thee go;
Am2.8; E52| Thou art the image of God who dwells in darkness of Africa;
Am2.9; E52| And thou art fall'n to give me life in regions of dark death.
Am2.10; E52| On my American plains I feel the struggling afflictions
Am2.11; E52| Endur'd by roots that writhe their arms into the nether deep:
Am2.12; E52| I see a serpent in Canada, who courts me to his love;
Am2.13; E52| In Mexico an Eagle, and a Lion in Peru;
Am2.14; E52| I see a Whale in the South-sea, drinking my soul away.
Am2.15; E52| O what limb rending pains I feel. thy fire & my frost
Am2.16; E52| Mingle in howling pains, in furrows by thy lightnings rent;
Am2.17; E52| This is eternal death; and this the torment long foretold.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:18:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:17:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of optimism, try cocaine.
It's better, faster and cheaper than working for it.
========================
I was thinking heroin at first...but I just don't like the idea of using needles.
Maybe cocaine is better.....
Fuck it, I'll stick with weed and ciagrettes.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of optimism, try cocaine.
It's better, faster and cheaper than working for it.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:10:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Most Heated
==================
Nah, I didn't mention anything about Canadians, the Bible, War on iraq, abortion, fucking the olsen twins, or child pornography.
Ooops.
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:10:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Most Heated
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:11:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dogs are stoned and I respect that.
=================
They're also really horny. On my next post will show some hot bitch on bitch action.
They're such sluts.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dogs are stoned and I respect that.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most Heated
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks like this.
Best bet is to find a hard working job, which forces committment, and fills the wallet.
Tree planing anyone?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
adderall.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 02:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
^^;; Thank you. I was afraid I was the only one...
Submitted by Perzik (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. For a sec I got lost and felt I was reading a collection of my own thoughts. I know those exact feelings you're plagued by, and I am as well. I hope for you that things get better. By the way, your dogs are so cute.
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 01:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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