How I learned I was a homophobe or Fucking penguins almost got me kicked out of college (2295 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: favourite_posts_by_me
Rating: 1.76 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Darko (View user info) at 2005-03-10 14:51:41 EST
I am a horrible roommate. I'm messy, inconsiderate, and loud. Because of this I was with my third roommate by my second semester at college. He was a smelly asian named Qu. I'm not saying all Asians are smelly, just that he had to be yelled at to take a shower and he though doing laundry meant throwing bleach on the clothes he was wearing.
We got along well since we had a lot in common: both never went to classes, both were still awake at 4 am on Mondays, he masturbated to autopsy photos and I wasn't completely disgusted that he masturbated to autopsy photos. It was no surprise that we ended up becoming fairly good friends. I even translated his gibberish when we went to the cafeteria so he wouldn't have to spend 5 minutes trying to get a grilled cheese sandwich. But I digress.
One day in February 2003 I went to class. Actually two days that month I went to class, but I'm only talking about one in particular. I came back from class to find something odd on our door. It seemed that while I was gone somebody made a printout claiming that Qu and I were gay lovers and put it on the door. I proceeded to walk in my room and hit Qu with a broom for staying in the room all day and not stopping whoever put it up.
Eventually my anger from being romantically linked to a male asian subsided. I was actually proud of my friends for their originality. I realize calling people gay isn't quite the most original thing to do, but they actually put the effort into this. Though none of them would confess, they admitted it was one of them who did it. We all had a hearty laugh about it at dinner.
But when we returned, disaster had struck! Someone had torn down the sign from my door. I learned who when I checked my email. The floor monitor lady (fuck if I know her actual title, all I know is she was 25 and supervising a freshman dorm.) had emailed me asking when would be the appropriate time for me to have a meeting with her to discuss the sign. Qu also was emailed and had to meet with her after I did. Being the smartass that I am I replied and gave her a time along with saying how I was distraught that the sign was stolen from me and that it had high sentimental value.
A couple days later the time came for me to meet this bitch in person. She started off by saying that she didn't appreciate my sarcastic reply and that she was considering taking my actions up to the student review board court thingymerbobberish. She then told me I was a homophobe and that unless I wanted to face the possibility of expulsion I needed to write a paper for her explaining the dangers of homophobia. When I responded that it wasn't I that made the sign, she asked me who did. I genuinely didn't know, but she took this as me protecting my friends. I was then told to get out and turn my paper in by the end of the week.
Did I mention that I tape recorded our conversation? Yeah, me and my friends had a good laugh listening to that one.
Friday came and I wrote what I considered to be a great paper. It stated homophobes are evil because judging other people is wrong. The paper was fairly tongue in cheek but I figured the irony of it was probably wasted on her. Though my paper was nothing in comparisons to the one Qu had to write about the same subject. His was full of engrish and mistaken words being used. The paper can be summed up in one sentence directly from it. "Many human fear charge."
We never did hear back from her when we gave her our papers. She probably never read them or she did and just gave up. Whatever, all that matters is that we received no consequences for apparently being homophobes.
Here's a picture of the sign that was taken before it was ripped down.
User Reviews
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-03-23 17:43:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-13 00:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was only o.k. until I saw the photo. friends rule
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-03-12 23:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you should have some ganz
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-03-11 20:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-11 16:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:27:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Qu's face. He looks like he's being anally fondled.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pasting signs on college dorm room doors rules.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good old Qu.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit, love the sign.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:23:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
sounds like you are what the cool kids call a "dork"
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By "cool kids" I assume you mean Chris Evans and his ilk, and if you really believe that <insert stereotypical subculture>'s care about <insert second stereotypical subculture>'s past the age of 14, you need to grow up.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-11 07:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha Your poor bastard.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-10 22:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Awwww
Such a cute couple
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beyond awesome.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The longest thing I read in a long while. Glad I took the time to read it.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
sounds like you are what the cool kids call a "dork"
Submitted by Balrog (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not too shabby.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Publish your paper....and Qu's.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's total bullshit. You should have written a paper on how much of a lesbian bitch she is.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Qu's face. He looks like he's being anally fondled.
Submitted by PokerIsMyLife (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Qu looks a lot like a (non-homosexual) friend of mine. Automatic +2.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't mean to shamelessly hitwhore, but I have an awful roommate too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61577
Good post, I ell oh elled.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:11:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
*pretends to make a comment which appears somewhat relevant to the post but is in fact a thinly vieled bump*
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Bump!
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, now this is humorous!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On Most Recently Reviewed this comes up as "How I learned I was a homo..."
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your friends are quite creative.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like a match made in Heaven from here, JimBob.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:27:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love engrish
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Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah I laughed
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You are entering the GAY BUTT-SEX ZONE!"
Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:14:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:11:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*pretends to make a comment which appears somewhat relevant to the post but is in fact a thinly vieled bump*
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love engrish
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were roomates with phinch?!?!
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is...something.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Many human fear charge."
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaahahahahah...too funny
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funnyyy
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
outstanding
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
File under "juvenile but hilarious."
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!
-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Phobia
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-10 14:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
that is all.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-10 14:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha! that's gold.
my buddies had a cantonese roommate. he was crazy (hence the nickname crazy eddie). he never washed his clothes. instead, he would just mound them up on his bunk. he showered 1-2 times a week. the whole room started to smell and ended up getting a permanent funk. good times.