"If Nick is Life then what the hell am I doing in Tucson, Arizona?" (504 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FelizJBirth (View user info) at 2005-03-10 15:10:23 EST
He had figured it out.
All this time he'd been wondering what it was they expected of him. He tried and tried
but it was never enough to please them. It pained him inside.
This was all going to end. He had finally found their dirty little secret.
As he wrote the first sentence of the post he made the appropriate mark on his checklist.
"Try to make things sound more dramatic by placing one sentence alone separated from the
body of the writing by a space above and below." Brilliant, he thought to himself. It was
time to move on to the next item on his list.
It was time to advance to the next stage.
It was time to finally get things done.
It was time to bring out the big guns.
It was time to write several sentences spaced apart to add even more drama to the
otherwise contentless post.
He had two marked off his list already when he realized, inadvertently, he had forgotten to
check off a third. He marked off the box labelled "Pointless" and smiled to himself. They
were like putty in his hands now. There was no escape from his literary grasp. As he
recklessly duble-cheked his speling he moved on to the next empty box on his list.
This one wasn't going to be easy. (Double points for this using method again but don't
overdo it, he thought to himself)
He had started the fucking post off without even saying anything crude. How in the name
of fuck was he supposed to make that kind of transition now?
It was time to inject some filth into the post. He began to talk about monkeys flinging
their shit at eachother, fat crippled people fucking like animals and underage midgets
fingering wild dogs while being anally penetrated by various marsupials. He described in
great detail the image of an 89 year old man masturbating eternally in a puddle of his
own bodily fluids. After a long shower, he checked off the third last item on his list.
The next item was always tough for him but he knew he had to do it. After all, you people
are all retarded anyway so it justifies anything I write. You just don't understand me
and you never will. Fuck all of you, I hope you all die. You're either a war-mongering,
illiterate fucktard Republican or a liberal pussy whiney complainy baby Democrat.
He checked off the "Mass generalizations and general contempt for humanity" box and prepared
himself mentally and physically for the finale. The one thing every post had that he knew
he needed to use if he wanted to fully meet the criteria of his list.
As he carefully typed out the words "Feel free to -2 die this all you want. I don't care
what anyone thinks." he knew it was finally over.
He was done. He had the framework and now all he needed was the content. He took one
last swig from his bottle of rubbing alcohol, grabbed his coat and went outside in search
of something interesting to write about.
User Reviews
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-05-25 18:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stabkill's an asshole. A modern day Eric Rice.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your writing style fucking blows elephant dick. To manage to get through two fucking sentences without pulling some hair out would be fucking incredible.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:31:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I read the whole damn thing.
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give that a plus fucking two - I love writing about writing about writing about anally penetrating marsupials writing about midgets. that's the formula. You forgot to say something totally mysogynist though. Fucking women.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Jeannie that's one I forgot to add to the list. Oh well, the list continues to grow. If only I could have gotten an actual picture of marsupials sodomizing midgets but I didn't have my camera on me at the time.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Add a photoshopped pic of an Olympic long-jumper being simultaneously raped by a golden retriever and chopped in half with a machete and you've got yourself a classic post here. Well done.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oscar Wilde's got nothin' on you, baby!