At this Point I can only hope thats not semen on my shirt (973 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sword (View user info) at 2005-03-10 16:26:56 EST
At some points in my life I like to imagine myself as a crippled decript old man. One who has spent his entire life searching for fortune and finding a plethora of currency but neglecting the natural fortune of his family and the company of his peers. I like to imagine myself on my death bed surrounded by my scavenger like relatives who are all anxiously awaiting my impending death to find out what sizable chunk of my vast estate I have willed to them.
I like to think I will moan softly as I realize what a waste all that money I have is and how none of it will help me where I am going. Then I think I would leap to my feet in the bed and cry out "Hah you fools I'm not paralysed I was faking for the past 5 years!" And while they are all stunned at this announcement I will clap my hands and in will rush my sweet and loyal butler who will be armed with a viscious automatic weapon.
I will point to my youngest relative who will be a boy of about 5 years old and scream out "Little Timmy" here my voice will crack because of my insane pattern of intonation "What did you leave me in YOUR WILL!??!" And this will be the cue for my butler to open fire and waste my entire family tree. While this is happening I will spryly grab my tv remote and use it to activate a tiny bomb implanted in my butler's head which will detonate and kill him instantly. He will kill my family after all.
Then I will rush out from my death room stepping over the body of people who thought I loved them or who thought that I would at least give them more then tiny shards of lead delivered at supersonic velocities to their vital organs and race on to my garage. In my garage I will jump in my car and drive out to the mountains. Not just any mountains though a special one.
One that years before I will have turned into a GIANT SPACECRAFT THE SIZE OF A MOUNTAIN!!! I will board my space ship and with a powerdrill and a pair of really sharp scisors I will excise my own brain and place it inside of a cybornetic spider who lives in the mountain/spaceship and who can feed my brain with pure electricity. I will fly away in my mountain and leave this foolish planet behind. Instead I will go to Jupiter and spend decades gathering potent hydrogen from Jupiter's upper atmosphere. Hydrogen I will be able to use to power my spaceship for all eternity. Enough hydrogen so that I will be able to sit in quiet contemplation for eons. I will be able to perfect every mental and physical art form I will think every conceivable thought and I will remain still and silent for centuries just to see what they feel like.
But instead of doing that after I have enough hydrogen I will return my spaceship to Earth and ram it into the planet at maximum speed so the giant adamantium spear affixed to the top my spaceship (There will be a giant adamantium spear affixed to the top of my spaceship) will penetrate the Earth's soft body and stab all the way down to her molten core. And right before my awesome vessal delivers this deathblow to Earth I will leap out one of the windows while we over New York City and scream out "SORRY WORLD I FORGOT MY BOOK!!!!!".
Also right before I wrote this I noticed a big white slightly gelatinous stain on the sleeve of my shirt. I hope its not semen. More importantly though I hope none of the many people I met today thought it was semen.
User Reviews
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You spunked on your shirt!
Good show old chap.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, you need to lay off the LSD,
or take more...Whatever.
Good stuff.
-Dave
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:58:15 (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you in the navy because there are alot of semen on your shirt...
HaHa
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every time I read one of your comments, I realise that you are indeed a girlWITHOUTaclue. Or perhaps Girlwhowouldn'tknowaclueifitbitherfaceoff
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*strokes chin*
Interesting...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
news posts are boring and i've already made my post for today. SO! I thought, given the title, I should pass on this little headliner...
................................
COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho - A teenager has agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace after anonymously sending semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student. The recipient shared the treat with two other teens, police said.
They said the 17-year-old Coeur d'Alene High School student was upset after a prank in which the other student put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. He told a school resource officer that "he hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain," according to the police report.
The teen later told School Resource Officer Jeff Walther that he got the idea of putting his semen on the brownies from the movie "National Lampoon's Van Wilder," in which characters send pastries filled with dog semen to a fraternity house.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a way to go.
"I will return my spaceship to Earth and ram it into the planet at maximum speed so the giant adamantium spear affixed to the top my spaceship (There will be a giant adamantium spear affixed to the top of my spaceship)"
-- an extra point for that line. What can I say, I love it when things are unecessairly clarified.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You must do some awesome drugs.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
liked it.
Submitted by smoke_in_my_lungs (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-10 18:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative in it's randomness.
Submitted by PokerIsMyLife (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:32:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the title.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Poor spelling. Good referencing of the word "semen". Randomness.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
More importantly though I hope none of the many people I met today thought it was semen.
It was Zero bound until I read this line!
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how is this rated just below a two? this isn't really -2worthy, but i had to do it to keep balance in the universe.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great read.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-03-10 17:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Random.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you in the navy because there are alot of semen on your shirt...
HaHa
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:44:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
I saw that stain on you. I assumed it WAS semen.
I also just assumed that you were a fag. No big deal.
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^Ass^
This was definitely entertaining.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I saw that stain on you. I assumed it WAS semen.
I also just assumed that you were a fag. No big deal.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this was a lot of fun.
Oh, and that IS semen on your shirt. Emu semen.
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-10 16:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is only one word for this....
Yes.