Living...with Children Part 1 (1148 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.83 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val (View user info) at 2005-03-10 20:31:42 EST
Due to horrific financial circumstances as of late, I have moved into my sister's house.
My sister has 3 kids.
Their ages are 7, 5, and 3 1/2.
I've learned a few things in the last 2 weeks of living here; about life, organization, and cereal.
1. It doesn't matter what time you went to bed. It doesn't matter if you're sick. It doesn't matter how comfy your ginormous pillow is.
YOU WILL WAKE UP AT 6.
Sure, they can get their own cereal, sure, their Mom and Dad are in the next room over. Sure, they have had the same morning routine for years. But it doesn't matter. I am still a new and shiny thing, I am a commodity. I am a rare and beautiful snowflake. And so they feel the need to have me awake, with them, and conscious, from the moment their sleepy little eyes open, to the moment they go back asleep.
I've tried many ways to avoid the 6 oclock Wakeup, but to no avail. I've tried feigning sleep. Doesn't matter, they just poke me and whisper at me. One time the 3 year old actually pried my eye open with his fingers.
I've tried to answer their questions, and hope they leave the room. No. Once you give the SLIGHTEST hint of being awake, you are fully expected to remain awake for the rest of the day.
I've tried throwing things at them. Clothes piled on my floor within grabbing reach, stuffed animals, money. They think it's a GAME. They think I'm HAVING FUN. And if they think that, it's all over.
2. Whatever you were planning on doing, whether it be going to work or school, cleaning, properly washing yourself, peeing, reading, clipping your toe nails, eating, having a smoke, watching a movie, relaxing, tying your shoes, or winning the lottery, give up and abandon all hope.
You are NEVER going to accomplish what you want to do. You are never going to have 30 seconds to yourself, let alone enough time to take a proper shit.
They don't care. They don't care about you, or your needs, or your primal instincts to eat and sleep. They want <insert: candy, dinner, cereal, fruit snacks, a story, you to paint their fingernails, cookies, loose change, expensive hairclips, paper, crayons, The Wiggles, Barney, Lizzie McGuire, Out of the Box, Zoom, stuff off very high shelves, a haircut, scissors, your cellphone, your clothes, your shoes, your time, your car, your sanity> and they want it NOW.
DROP EVERYTHING. Last minute Psychology paper? Forget about it. It's cool- your Professor will completely understand that the children NEEDED to go bowling THAT VERY SECOND. Once at the bowling alley, go to an ATM machine. Take out your life savings. Give it to the 13 year old boy behind the counter and have him turn it all into quarters. What? He doesn't have enough quarters? Raise hell. Get the manager involved. Get your quarters, damnit. Then disperse the quarters EVENLY, so they can buy tiny rings, chicklets, and little rubber balls (Note: this is very important, because if you don't give them all equal amounts, that means you don't love the ones with one less quarter. And that can do a number on a child's psyche).
3. If you truly love your stuff, like your books, papers, cds, clothes, pictures, shot glass collection, blow up manly man, and secret stash of Doritos, pack them in a box and put them in storage at a professional facility. If you don't, your shit will get torn, ripped, scratched, stained, spilled on, broken, popped, and devoured.
Again, abandon all hope.
It doesn't matter if you hid them to the best of your ability. It doesn't matter how much you paid. It doesn't matter that they were the ONLY pics from Ubercon Boston you had in your possession. It's over.
It's not like I can blame them. I mean, when I was little, I tore shit up, too.
The only thing I can do is accept, and live out of a suitcase.
Which I keep in the attic.
For protection.
User Reviews
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-28 15:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Update: Easter morning the kids woke up at THREE A.M.
3.
3 am.
Three.
Like I said, kiss your sweet sweet sleep goodbye.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-24 09:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha! I went through that too and I prefered putting up with jobless junkies and sleeping on a loft's floor to living in my comfy uncle's house with his two witches he calls his daughters.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:18:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-13 02:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Dave Barry, I have a few of his books.
Time and place.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-03-13 02:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever read any of Dave Berry's stuff? This post reminded me quite a bit of his sarcastic approach. Oh, and I'll be your new blow-up manly, man if you like. Wait, what did I just say?
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-11 22:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to familiarize yourself with the new
"Rug-Rat Traps", that are now available in; stores
near you.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:53:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to introduce you to a handy little word that works pretty well in situations like yours -"NO".
Also, you need to lock your bedroom door. If they can't get in, they can't bother you.
========================================================================
If only I had a lock on my door......
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me that, as much as i dread having kids, i love the little fuckers
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to introduce you to a handy little word that works pretty well in situations like yours -"NO".
Also, you need to lock your bedroom door. If they can't get in, they can't bother you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I'm afforded sexual favors, you can move in with me, temporarily. Hilton Head Island...golf course.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-11 09:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And just think. You could've been living here.
...where if anything did get torn, it's because you were having a REALLY REALLY good time.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-11 08:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-11 05:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-03-11 04:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-03-11 04:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"One time the 3 year old actually pried my eye open with his fingers."
that pushed the turtle head out a little more
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-11 02:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
AHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's somebody else's turn! Yay!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You spoil these kids too much.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:34:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AND WHERE DID YOU GO THIS WEEKEND, SHITBAG?
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time the 3 year old actually pried my eye open with his fingers.
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I have a 6 month old Lab that sleeps in my King size bed and does the same thing. Although it doesn't have fingers, or opposable thumbs. But it is as irritating I would imagine.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds miserable.
But funny!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-03-10 21:21:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd think nine and ten year old sisters would know better, but they don't. They want to borrow that one DVD that you really like and took you two months to find? Fingerprints all over it. Proud of the fact that you have a perfectly functioning Virtual Boy and games that always work? They'll want to play with it ALL the time, and they'll take opprotunity of the fact that you're taking a shower to take it. Now I want to break some of thier stuff.
Don't worry about the Virtual Boy, I actually went to the trouble of having it taken to my father's house in another city so they couldn't use it.
Submitted by Perzik (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...I was a little rat-bastard when I was young too...or am I still?
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"One time the 3 year old actually pried my eye open with his fingers."
They don't understand how contacts work either, so you better hope if you have those and fall asleep with them in that this doesn't happen again. And try not to think about where a 3 year old puts their fingers and how infrequently they wash their hands.
Also, if you happen to be ticklish you can NEVER, EVER, EVER, under any circumstances at all let them know. If you have to actually bite your finger off to keep from laughing when they try it, don't let them see you so much as crack a smile. Tickling is the ultimate sign of weekness to a child. They can almost smell it, so you have to cover it well. And you better make damn sure they never do, because once they know, they own you.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHH, so that explains......well nothing really. What?
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 20:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, thanks for sharing