A Flying Lesson (1976 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Geting_My_Shit_Ruined
Rating: 1.9 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2005-03-11 12:49:55 EST
When I was in the Navy, NATTC (Naval Air Technical Training Center) was in Millington, Tennessee. It's in Pensacola now, but back in the day it was in Elvis country. While I was in school there, I took a few flying lessons out at a rundown grass strip flight school 30 minutes or so north of Memphis.
My instructor was a grizzled old coot who used to fly stunt biplanes in national barnstorming tours in the 50's. He also could have skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war, but I didn't ask. I took a grand total of three flying lessons from that bastard and haven't taken one since.
First lesson: After a few minutes of chit chat, he walked me out to a Cessna 152 and showed me how to do the pre-flight walkaround checklist. You know, check the fuel level, inspect for broken shit, kick the tires, that kind of noise. Then we hopped in, went through the start-up checklist, cranked that bitch up, and rolled over to one end of the runway.
Old Coot: Okay, go ahead and give it some throttle. Keep it straight.
I was in heaven as we started picking up speed.
Old Coot: Okay, pull back on the wheel. Keep it straight.
Keep it straight. Keep it straight. Keep it straight. It became my mantra.
We tooled around for an hour or so. He showed me how to do coordinated turns, climb properly, scan the instruments, descend properly, all the cool stuff. When we were coming in for our approach, he turned to me and said, "I have the controls."
That was the key phrase for me to immediately let go of the wheel. He took over, brought us in, and touched down. Fun as hell.
Second lesson: More of the same, except that time, I got to attempt a landing.
Third lesson: We dead-stick crashed into a fucking cornfield.
We started out fine (of course). I did the pre-flight, took us off, tooled around, did a couple of turns, and started to head home. About a mile away from the strip, I heard the sound that I hope none of you have to hear. It was just like the Coyote and Roadrunner show when Wile E. is flying after the Roadrunner in his Acme Stunt Plane. You remember?
Engine: Nnnnuuuuuuurrrrrrr * un * un * un * splutter* splutter * cough * cough * dead silence.
Actually, that's not strictly true. I could very clearly hear the whistling of the wind. So it was more like:
Engine: Nnnnuuuuuuurrrrrrr * un * un * un * splutter* splutter * cough * cough * whooosh.
Old Coot: I have the controls.
Me: You can fucking have 'em.
Now, as it turns out, the 152 glides pretty well until you reach stall speed, and then it, well, stalls. I really thought we were going to make it. We were getting closer and closer, and were probably 200 yards from the edge of the cornfield at an altitude of maybe 50 feet when the bottom dropped out of us. I felt my stomach rise into my throat.
Old Coot: Hang on.
Me: OH MY CHRIST!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
BOOM!!
Suddenly rock hard corn-on-the-cob was tearing the plane apart. Man, if you've never driven through a cornfield, I highly don't recommend it. It will Fuck Your Vehicle Up Fast. We exploded out through the end of the field and rolled to a stop about twenty feet shy of the runway. And then there really was dead silence.
Old Coot: Damn fuel pump's been acting up for weeks.
Me: I think I shit my drawers.
I tried to Google a photo that could serve as an accurate representation of what the landing looked like, and this is the best I could do:
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-03-24 06:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, you're a fucking legend!!!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 11:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-03-17 04:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading that last line made me think of the South Park where Cartman bets Kyle that people shit their pants when they die. Fucking awesome.
+2 for the story.
+2 for the picture.
...which still only equals +2. Hey, I don't make the rules.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-03-16 13:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is universily accpetable to shit your pants when you are crashing. Hell your going to do it when your dead, might as well be alive to enjoy it.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've missed you, mate. It's about goddamn time you got here.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-03-14 07:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that last bit, funny that he should take you out in a faulty plane..
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-13 14:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Pensacola is pretty rednecked. Not so much as Tennessee, maybe, but nonetheless pretty bad. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-12 21:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-12 01:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just Great!
Thank You
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-03-12 00:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah fuckign priceless. where have you been? You, Shark, and Saxon have the best stories Ive ever read.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2005-03-11 16:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I pretty much laugh at everything you write.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-03-11 15:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-03-11 15:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Old coot flying lessons = +2.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-11 15:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you funny
Submitted by JMS (user info) at 2005-03-11 15:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. As a student pilot I found this hilarious.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-11 14:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now, as it turns out, the 152 glides pretty well until you reach stall speed, and then it, well, stalls."
Yeah, uhm ... I'm pretty sure they all do that. That's pretty much the point of stall speed.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-03-11 14:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA I love how the man appears to be flying off a cliff. Made my day.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-11 14:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are an amazing man. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61739
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52379
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44483
Well, there's three at least. I could go on and on and on.....
Submitted by no_i_dont_wanna_watch_u_wank (user info) at 2005-03-11 14:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 Because I live in Memphis
+1 Because that is the same corn field I lost my virginity in.
But not to my half brothers cousin.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for that great head last night.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't stop laughing now OH SHIT MY SUPERVISOR IS LOOKING AT ME gotta go
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Old Coot: Damn fuel pump's been acting up for weeks.
Me: I think I shit my drawers.
--------------
Audrey Griswald: I think I had my period.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is about God-damned time you wrote something. I needed my Jimbo fix.
WOO!!
Bigaty-bam, bitches! +2!!
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2005-03-11 13:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1 for the story, 1 for the picture.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shite...+2
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck Your Vehicle Up Fast
Aweseome.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He should have given lessons to the 9/11 terrorists - they never would have made it.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-03-11 12:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I looked at the picture first, then read the last line to see if it described the picture, and went so on form there pretty much reading the entire thing backwards.
Sorry.