Reasons I'm glad I don't have children (701 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -0.11 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (View user info) at 2005-03-14 06:22:17 EST
There are many reasons that I don't have Children. The main one is because of the fact that
I don't ever have sex.
Ever.
However, there are many reasons why I'm glad that I don't have children.
They are Ages 0-18.
I will list them in chronological order to map out my feelings for the little ones.
0-1)
Basically, you've got a screehing retard living in your house. A stranger that is somehow
related to you. It's almost like having an Senile old person becoming a vegtable in your home except for the fact that the government can't take old people away for you. Also like having an
gereatic, you'll be expected to change a diaper for a living. But unlike the elderly, babies aren't as entertaining to listen to while they need help.
2-5)
This is where the retard learns how talk. And say words like, "No" and "I'm Hungry" and that's just annoying. That and, Toys. "Daddy I wanna X" this little motherfucker is can't tell me why he wants X, motherfucker just wants it. And if I say no, hell to pay.
"WWWAAAAHHHH I HATE YOU!!!"
Don't think you're gonna hear that do you? You will, and you will hate yourself for leting the condom break, and not getting a coat hanger from planned parenthood. And worse:
"NO!!!"
That's right your biggest mistake is talking back to you in a "toys R us" and you can't give it
five across the eyes because child services is still on your back for leaving shitty pants in a
washing machine as a lesson in bowel control. So what do you do. You try to reason with little
missed birth control pill, that you can't buy the fucking 500$ dinosaur. No little botched abortion
wants it. Thats proff that children are materialistic little fucks.
You telling me the you can tell a child that true happieness comes from inter-peace?
You tell a five year old about Budda and it'll laugh in your face, and tell you where to
put your little zen handbook. It wants motherfuckering barney, it will make you regret not getting
a norplant.
6-10)
Now those little assholes aren't getting off on shiting an wanting to bang your signifigant
other. No. Jackass is starting to grow up into a productive member of society. That is if
you live in China or Mexico where you can have that snotty little douchebag start paying you
for room and board. No, my fellow non-shithole nationials, you now have a dependant that does nothing but drain your bank accounts and makes it posible for you to have a shitty job and hate life for the next decade.
And the worst part: Now they can reason. Face it, if you have children, you are stupid.
That means your brat is probably smarter than you. Hence, little future John Doe knows how to argue with you about getting the toys He/She/it wants. And if you are weak willed and dumb as you look
you will dish out for the new Playstation3, and don't think your ever gonna play it.
11-12)
Stil an needy asshole with attachment issues and a shitload of emotional baggage. You don't need this. If you were smarter, you'd be in Amsterdam smoking a fattie and scoring pure H. Insted you have to explain why your whore in training is bleeding from the crotch.
13-16)
These three year, your little boy will want to bang his developing sister, he'll rape her.
Blame you. You end up in SQ. You are another mans property. OR you live with the shame of knowing
your husband is another mans wife.
Or you just live in fear of that happening.
ages 13-16 are the worst. Your jackholes are going to think they know every fucking thing in the world and let you know.
Are you Catholic? Well, just so you know your teenage idiot isn't anymore. And you can take your
rules and burn them and you even stupider then when it was 4 only now it's in top physical condition and can kick seven shade of crap, clean out of your ass.
And since it's a rebel expect to hear about Che Guevara at the dinner table and "Emo". Don't think
just because you're black "Emo" won't infest your home. Or worse "punk". You're kid is cool now
so listening to "punk" is what it's all about. Nevermind the fact your self-proclamed "Freak" has never heard of Black Flag or the Decendants. Blink 182 and Green Day in-fucking-vented the genre of "punk". Because everyone knows that it's punk to be signed to major labels and be marketed to youths.
Hell, even the Sex Pistols were signed to BMI...
But that's a diffrent rant.
17)
Finally, silence. Asshole won't talk to you anymore. Congrats. Only now it hates you for no reason.
It stays out past 4AM and has friends with nicknames like: "I want people to think I'm hardcore"
or some other stupid shit. It does drugs. You miss drugs. You miss purple micro dot. It says weird
japanesse words, and has a stupid trendy haircut. It said the word "Touge" and you don't know it means driving around mountaintops at insane speeds with the goal of not getting killed. It Said "Touge" while walking out of the house with your car keys.
18)
Congradualations, you haven't put a revolver in your mouth. You're a real hero. You've created another Sam Richardson for the world to embrace. Another productive sociopath for the world to enjoy
antics of. Now, live out your dream and call the police on it's 18th birthday and have it removed from the premises. It's about bloody time. Evict the little shit. it's fired.
Get a restraining order and tell it to stay the hell away from your property.
That is a short list of why you shouldn't have kids.
And why I'm glad I'm celebate.
Sincerely -- Pope John Paul
User Reviews
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-03-15 03:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When people ask you to go die, do they really expect you to go leap on a rail spike?
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-03-14 16:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know if anyone else has said this one yet, but I had to stop here:
______________________________________________________________________________
You telling me the you can tell a child that true happieness comes from inter-peace?
You tell a five year old about Budda and it'll laugh in your face, and tell you where to
inter-peace? Budda? You are a fucking retard your damn self, now be polite and die.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-14 15:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was dam funny.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Go back, spell check, then try again tommorrow.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And the worst part: Uber can reason. Face it, if you have writeen a post with horrible spelling and grammar, you are stupid. That means Uber is probably smarter than you. Hence, Uber knows how to argue with you about getting the you to kill yourself. And if you are smarter than look you will leave now, and don't think your ever gonna make it here.
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're telling me the pope never put his dick in someone.
Pull the other one, it's got bells on....................
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was all set to -2 this until i saw the pope. i love that guy.
what a legend.
Submitted by DamianD (user info) at 2005-03-14 08:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-14 06:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't ever have sex either :(
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-03-14 06:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, the only reason this isn't a negative is cause I think kids are demonic.
Your spelling and vocab are atrocious.
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-03-14 06:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it doesn't work without the picture.