Best Ever Complaint (1015 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.68 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Faith <faith1986.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-14 09:28:44 EST
Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to pass this off as my own work. I actually got this letter through e-mail but just felt others should see it. Otherwise, feel free to -2 the shit out of this post!!
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
User Reviews
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-03-29 08:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Old, Old, Old,
The only thing that stops this being a - 1 or 2 is that it's still some class A ranting
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-03-29 07:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellant.
I've said this too many times on this site, but if I were gay, and this guy was around, I do jiggle his jangles for him, just for being so cool
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-03-28 13:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This -2 is for confusion fiction with reality.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-16 05:37:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One allways has to call a cretin ,a cretin! full stop.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-14 16:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:31:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen this, it's a bit 2001.
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ye olde email forwarde
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen this, it's a bit 2001.
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see my letter got through then...
Submitted by Over_There (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminds me of "A Confederacy of Dunces"
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN!
I LOVE IT, I AM COPYING THIS LETTER TO MY SAVED FILES SO I CAN INSERT VARIOUS COMPANY NAMES IN IT, AND START A REVOLUTION!!!
If you liked that, you might like this web site:
http://verizoneatspoop.com/
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN!
I LOVE IT, I AM COPYING THIS LETTER TO MY SAVED FILES SO I CAN INSERT VARIOUS COMPANY NAMES IN IT, AND START A REVOLUTION!!!
Submitted by colinw (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
*wonders what that was about*
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Got it on e-mail. I have been slated for C+Ping on this site before so it is with great pride that I move me mouse to the -2 and click.
Funny letter though
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
donde esta un vaca?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-14 10:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-03-14 09:54:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Having read real letters to ISPs this one is'nt best. Truth be told the person who recieved it read the first 3 lines or so and tossed it, They really do have better things to be doing then reading some dickwads tirade.
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So not true... We really don't have anything better to do. I work at Openworld, and a friend of a friend recieved this at NTL. It was real, and it's been everywhere so it's kinda old. I figured Uber would have seen it.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-03-14 09:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Having read real letters to ISPs this one is'nt best. Truth be told the person who recieved it read the first 3 lines or so and tossed it, They really do have better things to be doing then reading some dickwads tirade.
Submitted by m1rl1n (user info) at 2005-03-14 09:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smiling gently right up until
" I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray "
Then I start laughing like the bastard child of a hyena and a cookaburra snorting nitrous.
The neighbours have called for men in white coats.....
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-03-14 09:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with Thorpe. At best, this was ok.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-14 09:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
I've heard better