The rant of a newly single man (958 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.14 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by snarf (View user info) at 2005-03-14 11:41:00 EST
I am a recently single man, post my 2nd 2- year relationship. As my 24th birthday approaches, and the realisation of "shit im getting older......how youngs too young now?" yearly thought start to creep in, I begin to reflect on what I've learnt from my these 2 failed relationships. Neither relationship ended badly, they just fizzled out I suppose, the spark had gone,
The first relationship ended amicably enough, and we agreed to stay friends (note to every other guy, this is a fucking stupid idea, primarily because we worked in the same place, again a fucking stupid idea, but if you play with fire, and more importantly if the sex is good enough, but il get back to that
A girl I once worked with asked naively once, " I just don't understand how 2 people can be going out for 2 years, and then end up hating each other, was the relationship that bad?"
Il tell you how,
Your ex comes into work and shows you photo's of her new friends and the guy that keeps asking her out, coupled when your ex comes out of a club, that unfortunately happened to be across from the club you had been in, and starts saying to you "I got off with 8 blokes tonight, he he, Im such a slut"
In fairness I had an inkling, this would happen, this girl was an animal in the bedroom, she wanted it at least twice every day, and was solely responsible for the one time,I actually turned down sex (I feel ashamed saying that) due to pure exhaustion.
Currently there are advertisements on the T.V about training to become a marine commando, asking have you ever been pushed to the limit, where your body cant take any more, where you feel like your lungs are going to explode, and I fucking empathise!
Ok all be it in slightly different circumstances I had just finished pleasuring a busty blonde for the 5th time in 3hrs, (that's my record) and the poor bastard on the t.v has apparently just ran 15 miles carrying a 2 stone rucksake after 2 nights without sleep, but our pains the same is it not?
I really hope I still have her number somewhere.
Between that 1st and 2 relationship I had 6 months of life as a singleton. As any man knows, the newly formed singleton can travel down one of two paths. The path of self pity, or the path of drunken one night stands, I chose the latter or rather the latter chose me.
During this 6 month "shopping spree" I'm ashamed to say I turned into a shameless manwhore. Looking back I attribute this to a certain lack of maturity, and need to fulfil the the void of sexual urges my ex had left me with, but the question again arises, am I to befall the same fate once again?
Only time will surely tell, well time or either the fact im already picturing scenarios where I end up writhing on top of my 45 yr 15 stone female boss (picture a fat Sharon Osbourne crossed with Hilary Clinton - I swear to god) tells me, that my path may yet again already be decided.
Anyway as I begin my stint flying solo again, one of my first immediate thought, as is any newly single guy's is "when will I get laid again" coupled with the wish, if id only know that was the last time id shag my ex, I would have made sure I pounded her so hard that she'd be walking funny for days.
That time my horny ho of an ex wanted to go for a 6th time in 3 hrs, if I could go back now, I would have gone for it, safe in the knowledge at least I would have died trying.
Regrets eh? They'll be the death of me, from this day forward im shagging like it's my last.
Seriously fella's, next time you have sex, get into the mentality its your last, too much time is devoted to the first time, if everybody concentrated on the last time, everybody would be happy and more fucking importantly, I wouldn't have to sit and listen to my mates bitchin about how their girlfriends aren't putting out anymore
For the ladies, multiple orgasms would be the norm, resulting for the sex on tap for the fella's. Great sex = more sex, simple as. Just don't get complacent, you take your eye of the game, your outta the game, always "last time" mentality.
The last time you'll see a girl naked, the last time you'll tear of a pair of panties with your teeth, the last time you'll slide your hand between her legs, the last time you'll suck on her nipples, the last time you'll slide your tongue .... You get the drift, the "last time". The kind of sex that'll you'll remember when you're sitting in your rocking chair, years from now, and will still make you hard, and at this age when I say hard, I mean have a minor stroke,
Well I feel I have ranted on enough, and more importantly I have just spotted my boss bending over the photocopier. So I want to leave you with this, now go fuck like bunnies
"Last time sex, means lifetime of sex"
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-03-14 16:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
if it helps, by law I can't get married and statistically Im likely to never find a long term relationship, so its not all grave digging and rainstorms on the hetero side of things
chin up (the last sex thing is an interesting idea tho)
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-03-14 14:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the advice people! you think you know where your life is heading and then "bam", change of plans, but sure thats the adventure of life!
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good Advice From a Smart Guy: Don't Get into any more "Serious Relationships" Untill your happy, working a good job, have some resources in the bank, and on an auto pilot road to the easy life when you are older. Once all those things are in place you have time for relationships.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:46:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Women: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em" -- Al Bundy
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"Women: Can't live with 'em... Pass the beernuts." -- Norm Peterson, "Cheers"
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good read, interesting theory.
i'll try the "last time" thiing
Submitted by Cryopaul (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like it's the last time...
That's a very good theory. I think I'll try and prove it tonight. I'm married so I'm a bit more secure in the fact that it's not the last time, but you're right in the fact that nobody should get complacent.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:46:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Women: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em" -- Al Bundy
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I miss that show.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck!
Submitted by CodeBlue (user info) at 2005-03-14 12:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If only my girlfriend's parents would let us have sex without sneaking around (thus time constraints), I'd fuck like it was my last, but alas, it's not to be.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
didn't realise you were a brit.
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it is a rant, and hence apologies for the disjointed nature of this post!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I had just finished pleasuring a busty blonde for the 5th time in 3hrs"
shenanies?
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Women: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em" -- Al Bundy
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sex isn't the holy grail (it's close, though). Any guy who has looks a tad better than Quasimodo and has more to talk about than the latest X-box game has a pretty good chance of having sex on a regular basis. It just depends on your standards. Good luck out there in the single world. You have to keep swinging to hit a home run.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldnt make my way through this but here is a +2 because after i finish this review im going to go smoke a big fat bowl of herbs all on the tax payers dollar.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-14 11:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I only understood about a third of this.