After the Pandemic - A Case of the Mondays (1064 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RawrG <uber.rawrg.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-14 13:29:58 EST
I wrote this because my ADD is so rampant that I can't stick with a serious story. It's short, but I hope you enjoy it.
The original idea: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61238
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Jerico Falding and Jax Randall looked down upon the scorched wasteland that used to be Kansas City. There was nothing left these days. The once proud City of Fountains was reduced to nothing under the impact of hundreds of warheads in a last minute attempt to stop the infection. Had they made the decision an hour earlier, the rest of the Midwest might not look exactly the same. As it was, that was 2010, seven years before, and today, they had other concerns.
Jerico was a tall lean fellow with long black hair and an itchy trigger finger. A crack shot with his old 30-30 deer rifle, he could take off someone's head from 100 yards away on the fly. Jax, a short beefcake of a man chiseled out of stone preferred his sawed off shotgun and a bandoleer full of fragmentation grenades that he had stolen off the corpse of a long-dead hero.
Jerico turned to Jax, and with his light raspy calm he remarked, "Man, that dimension was pretty fucked up..."
Jax's deep baritone rang out, "What I want to know is how a series of events where the world is overrun by clowns instead of zombies is possible."
Jerico slung his rifle over his shoulder and adjusted his testicles with his free hand. "I'm still wondering how the hell jumping dimensions is possible..."
"I gave the fuck up a long time ago buddy. It's like we're all at the mercy of some moronic creative writer playing God or something... I hate my life."
"I love you." Jerico said with a straight face.
"I've come to realize that you don't mean that when you say it."
"Thanks."
"Bracket 3." Jax said with the same straight face.
"I'm still working on what that one means exactly."
"I don't have a clue."
"So what do we do now?" Jerico inquired.
"I think we probably ought to test our weapons out. Last time my shotgun shot out Nerf pellets and the grenades were water balloons."
"Well, at least the silly string that my rifle fired was the old fashioned caustic kind that burned when it got in the clowns' eyes. I guess when you take zombies out of the picture, child product safety standards go out the window too..."
"Yeah. I'll never vote for Nader again."
They looked down at their weaponry. Everything seemed to be alright. Jax pulled a grenade from his bandoleer and prepared to throw it.
"What are you doing Jax?" Jerico asked in a tone that suggested a desolated soul.
"I want to make sure it doesn't just shoot out confetti while playing the Baby Elephant Dance."
"I don't know what's sadder, that analogy, or the fact that it sounds more than plausible at this point. Perhaps we should wait and see what we're up against before we attract attention."
"True."
"Besides, it might be some sort of pocket fusion bomb that would wipe us both out..."
Jax looked hopeful for the first time that day, "I don't see a downside to that really."
Jerico turned away from him and started to walk, "Whatever, I'm not that fatalistic yet... and I'm hungry. Let's go look for something to kill."
Disappointed, Jax holstered his grenade and started down the hill into the wasteland.
They both took off down the hill in search of some kind of future. This was the 10th dimension they had been in today. Each was similar to Earth, but there were subtle differences in each one. By now they had fought off clowns, vampires , 4 races of zombies, boy scouts, bank tellers, the elderly and an army of Newt Gingrich clones that escaped from a lab buried 400 feet below the RNC headquarters.
...
It was the worst Monday they could remember in a while.
User Reviews
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-12 18:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-05-12 17:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have just got done reading these all and I have enjoyed them all. Great work everyone, +2's for all!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Furgle Gurgle?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-17 06:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what the fuck is your problem?
Submitted by JohosaPhaTZ (user info) at 2005-03-14 21:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by Sherman (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Greatest Pandemic story ever. But when is someone gonna do a spoof with Ash from Evil Dead & Army of Darkness?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-14 15:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 baby! wooo!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-14 14:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Parody. EVAR!
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-14 14:17:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MM Good read.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-14 14:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something like this with my last Pandemic story
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61876
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-03-14 14:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har-de-har!
"It's like we're all at the mercy of some moronic creative writer playing God or something."
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
same
_____
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:35:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the only After the Pandemic story I've read.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very entertaining,
reminded me of 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead' and another movie that I saw part of recently, but can't remember the name of.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha...excellent stuff.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would take zombies over clowns any day.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm gonna guess you just got done watching a 'Sliders' rerun.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the only After the Pandemic story I've read.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-14 13:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best parodies EVAR