I Was Going To Get A Blowjob, But Then I Watched the Movie "Saw" (2143 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.68 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-03-14 17:46:02 EST
I was all set to settle in between the sheets with my newest lucky lady.
It had been a wonderful night up until that point. We had went out to dinner, a nice little Italian place that I know, and the food was delicious, as always.
I paid, obviously expecting some kind of repayment later on in the evening. I could tell by the look in her beautiful blue eyes that she was thinking the same thing.
Either that or she really did smell that awful fart I let out at the end of the meal and her eyes were watering up because of the wretched stench.
Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is, we went back to her place, complete with big TV and queen size bed. Things were definitely looking up.
Earlier on, we had gone to the movie store to pick out a film to watch after dinner. I was not terribly concerned with what movie we picked out, but I thought maybe a scary movie would be cool to watch - plus it would encourage snuggling when she got scared.
So we picked "Saw."
A fool's choice.
We popped the DVD in the player and hopped under the covers.
I fed her the usual nonsense: "Now, don't worry, I'll be right here. Don't be too scared. We can turn the movie off if you get too scared." Blah Blah Blah.
And then the movie started.
Now, I realize that some of you may not be familiar with "Saw" as it is a relatively new release.
For those not familiar, take the sick and twisted plot of the movie "Se7en", add a little spice of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and a pinch of the mind-numbing fear induced by your first viewing of "The Ring" - that's "Saw" in a nutshell.
This is not a movie you should watch at the end of a date. In fact, if you don't want the shit freaked out of you, I would recommend not watching the movie at all.
The sad part is that you can't just turn the movie off. The plot is too good.
It's not like a bad book that you can just toss aside and think nothing of.
You've got insane serial killers running around, you've got Danny Glover going nuts and bumbling around with a huge gash on his throat, you've got guys hacking off body parts - you can't just hit pause and start smooching. You've bought the ticket - you're on for the whole fucking ride.
So after the movie was finally over, my lovely lady was lying next me, frozen in fear. She jumped out of bed, locked her door, closed all the windows in the room, shut off her computer and turned on all the lights.
There I am, lying in bed next to a girl who is almost scared out of her mind and is convinced that there is a serial killer coming after her and is going to kidnap her and conduct some sort of twisted game that will eventually end in her death.
This is going to be a challenge.
So I start cajoling her: "It's ok, baby. It was just a movie. I'm here, now. Nothing is going to happen to you" And on, and on, and on, and on...
She was a tough nut to crack, and it took a good half hour of this nonsense before she starting getting into the whole hook up aspect of the date - kind of the most important part.
So one thing leads to another...clothes are coming off...hands are going down pants...the light at the end of the tunnel is becoming clear...and then...
it all goes to shit.
I kid you not, one second she's stroking my dick, the next she's lying flat on her back, the covers pulled up around her eyes.
"Uh...is everything ok?" I ask, my throbbing cock in desperate need for release.
"Oh...I'm really sorry, but that movie just really freaked me out. I don't think I can do this tonight, I'm sorry."
Hold the fucking phone. She couldn't "do this" tonight?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Needless to say I was more than a little upset. I had put in a night's effort and countless other hours of setting the whole night up and she can't even finish me off? This is ridiculous.
"I see." I said, as I got out of the bed and began putting my clothes on.
"Wait, what are you doing? Where are you going?" She cried. I could smell the terror on her like a cheap perfume.
"I'm going home." I replied.
As I walked out of her room I could still hear her cries of anguish: "Noooo...don't leave me here alone! I'm scared!"
Fuck her, I thought to myself.
Later on that night, me and a friend of mine who happens to be a film major (and horror film buff) as well as a sympathizer to my predicament, decided to have a little fun...
Calling a girl who is alone in her room and frightened out of her mind at 1:30 in the morning pretending to be a psychotic killer is quite possibly one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had the pleasure to enjoy.
User Reviews
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:15:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:54:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
In related news, I rented The Exorcist the other night and it was fucking BORING. There were freaky and weird parts, but I just couldn't get into it. It wasn't psychologically penetrating enough... I mean the plot was THIN. I was expecting much more from what is supposed to be such a classic.
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THANK GOD! That movie wasn't even a little tiny bit scary. I never once flinched, or shut my eyes, or even said, "Oh my god!" in a horrified fashion. I did laugh out loud about 50 times at the stuff Linda Blair said. The whole "Jesus fucked her" thing cracked me up. NOw I get pissed whenever I hear someone refer to that piece of crap as the scariest movie ever.
I've seen episodes of "Are You Afraid Of the Dark?" that scare me more
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Thats not funny. Are you Afraid of the Dark was quite possibly the scariest show ever....on Nickelodeon.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking bastard.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. I was gonna give it a -2 for you being a dick. But then I actually thought about your dick...and felt pretty sorry for what it had to go through. And then I cracked up at the thought of anyone actually getting revenge over blueballs. I say worth the read all the way.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh. You son of a bitch.
I'm a real pussy when it comes to scary films. I spent three nights after watching The Grudge forcing people to stay over my house in order to protect me from fucked up Japenese women.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked burn. She kind of asked for it when she left you with a semi though - that's just wrong.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-15 13:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:54:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
In related news, I rented The Exorcist the other night and it was fucking BORING. There were freaky and weird parts, but I just couldn't get into it. It wasn't psychologically penetrating enough... I mean the plot was THIN. I was expecting much more from what is supposed to be such a classic.
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THANK GOD! That movie wasn't even a little tiny bit scary. I never once flinched, or shut my eyes, or even said, "Oh my god!" in a horrified fashion. I did laugh out loud about 50 times at the stuff Linda Blair said. The whole "Jesus fucked her" thing cracked me up. NOw I get pissed whenever I hear someone refer to that piece of crap as the scariest movie ever.
I've seen episodes of "Are You Afraid Of the Dark?" that scare me more.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-15 09:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-15 09:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was going to -2 and call you an arsehole for leaving, but then realised that possibly had something to do with the fact that in my mind's eye she was a really hot blonde.
We're just a bunch of arseholes.
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-03-15 08:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha....that same shit happened to me. Fucking watching "Kill Bill" put the girl out of the mood, and ruined my day. Damn you Tarantino! Damn you to hell!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-15 08:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hee hee
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2005-03-15 08:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That movie sucked, the only thing that saved it was the last couple of minutes...
This post however, didn't.
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-03-15 07:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-565475467 for the post.
+565475469 for Penfold.
CRUMBS!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-15 07:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Evil. Fucking evil.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-03-15 06:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SAW isnt as scary as "the Grudge", Fuck me that had the hairs up on the back of my neck.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Girl's Inner Monologue - "Oh my God, this is the tiniest dick I've ever felt, this isn't even worth my time. How do I get out of this one?"
...
Sorry, had to. Good post though.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SAW wasnt even scary
shouldve watched the ring
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-14 20:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of how I used to torment my little brother with the Nightmare On Elm Street Movies.
He wouldn't touch my peepee either.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once drowned a girl with the sheer volume of my load. True story.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe she just pretended she was afraid so that she didn't have to suck on your junk.
Submitted by NC_SouthernGirl (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
See, if you had stayed thru the night she might've woken you up with something wet and slippery......stupid man. You blew that one, lol.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's fucking stupid. Were you scared by this movie at all? If you were I order you to remove your penis and hand it over because you're a pussy too. I didn't think this movie was scary at all. I thought it was cool though. +2 for having your lovely evening ruined and for being an ass and calling her. You know you're dead right? She totally knows it's you unless she really is stupid.
Submitted by fedges (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought saw was totaly not scary, had horrible acting, and the acting was terrible. I suppose thats just my opinion though. Next time try a slasher movie.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-03-14 19:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because SAW kicked ass, aside from the atrocious acting and the fact that niether of the guys could catch/throw.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-14 18:30:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It wasn't that scary. The girl was a ditz.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-14 18:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:59:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to make up for the blue balls.
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Uh hun! Damn that sucks.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-14 18:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have to get a +2 for "Penfold".
"Danger Moooouuuuusssseeee".
-Dave
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-03-14 18:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, you got that bitch good.
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2005-03-14 18:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That film sucked - too many plot holes, too much suspension of disbelief required.
I can see how it could ruin a blowjob though.
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to make up for the blue balls.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that movie.
It's scarier in the cinema.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Evil... pure evil.
I refuse to watch that moive, along with Simon Birch because I know it will make me cry.
In related news, I rented The Exorcist the other night and it was fucking BORING. There were freaky and weird parts, but I just couldn't get into it. It wasn't psychologically penetrating enough... I mean the plot was THIN. I was expecting much more from what is supposed to be such a classic.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what kind of pussy are you?
that movie sucked
Everyone was laughing so hard at Cary Elwes they forgot to be scared
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only because you called her and scared the shit out of her
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-03-14 17:49:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a bad, bad man.