GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED.. AN ARTFORM. I GOT BEAT UBER.. I got beat (769 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.32 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Artist formly known as "Chris Evans" (View user info) at 2005-03-14 23:19:59 EST
Ok uber I'm going to tell you about a fight. Shit the greatest fight I have ever been in. Yes people, I got my ass kicked. I have given a speech about this in Speech Com 110 and also I have told many about this great riveting story. I have made entertaining stories of this with shit changed. But not this time. Nope uber, I'm going to tell you about the time my 230pd ass got it handed to me in a platter enjoy.
All the accounts are true. Everything. Hey, look assholes I don't make shit up. This happened the summer of 2003.
It was a boring day out in my hometown, nothing to do but just sit and not do shit. My boy Takamura {he's half Japanese} was trying to find a party to go to. I said fuck it I bit let's go. He tells me that there is a party out in fucking Carnation Washington.
Now people, Carnation is the most hillbilliest place in Washington. I mean shit I think they still hang nigga's there. Plus there is a fucking plethora of confederate flags out there. I say fuck it and bite the bullet and we decide to go out to get drunk and hopefully get some ass.
It takes us 45mins to drive out into the sticks. We can't find the party and I'm already semi wasted drinking 151 and trying to just fade the long drive out of my mind. We drive up an old ass dirt path in my 2000 BMW 323i {Hey I have a nice car, I ain't rich assholes}.
We come to this guy named Gary's property. Ohmigod Uber I swear it was crazy. They had Tiki torches and Tiki statutes that lead up into his pathway to where the party was. I see a lot of just normal college people all from Eastern Washington University, and a lot of local dipshits from Fall City Issaquah {Fuck Fall City}. I walk up to see an old ass man. It was Gary's dad. Calling Gary's dad a hippy is a fucking understatement. He had long ass gray hair put back in a pony tail that reached his ass. {I wonder how he shit, shit people I really do}. He was wearing a sleeveless like shirt that you could see his chest through. And what made it even crazier is that he had young, hot college girls all over him. I mean they were Gary's friends, and girlfriends and they loved his dad. I watched his oldass get his Mack' on. He came over and said hi to me and Takamura and asked us who we new. We said, Gary and he yelled "Gary, that's my boy!" in a drunken, high state of mind.
It tripped me out to see a real life hippy. Because Gary was nothing like his dad, Gray played football at Cedar Crest and was normal {parents divorced}. So we walk up to a great fucking fire Pitt and behind it a river. It was awesome. We were having a party in the woods, with a giant fire pit, and a ton of alcohol and booze.
Me and Takamura went over and sat on the sand out to the river drunk and just looked up and reminisced about old times.{he was joining the navy}. It was cool, just kicking it with my friend. Then we heard a voice talking shit.
Fatass: I can kick anyone's, ass here"
I look over to see this fat, rosey cheeked fucking fat bitch of a guy standing in front of the fire pit drunk talking shit, he was wearing a Wife beater{fat boys, sorry no wife beater we can see your tits}. He yells it again as him and his Issaquah bunch, of Abercrombie hillbilly boys, kept talking shit. {Issaquah people are gay, there country, wear Abercrombie shirts, but also wear cowboy boots, and of course drive pickup trucks}.
I walk over to see the commotion as Gary and his band of boys from Cedar Crest get all up in the Issaquah boys faces. It doesn't look good. There were about 300 people at this party. I didn't know any of them. They all grew up together out in the backwoods out here in carnation. I was from outer Seattle. This could get fucking ugly.
They all keep talking shit and they just start swinging at each other and the fight is on. I see people getting socked in the face, blood spewing left and right, girl's screaming and yelling. Then a voice bellowed I looked over to see Gary's dad over by the fire looking like a crazy savage Indian about to scalp a motherfucker.
Hippie Dad: All you little fuckers get the fuck off my property before I fuck you up. If you bunch of pussy want to fight, fight on the man road.
Everyone stopped for an instant to gaze at the doped up old man, then like they agreed to fight on the street. So everyone started walking down the dirt road at about 1:30am. To get down to the main road. As we were walking I see my girlfriend Laura {we told her to meet us there} with her ample breast, and long blond hair and pretty face. She was frightened from all the commotion and I yelled at her to get her ass over to me now. {I, protect my woman} as were going down the road they start yelling again.
Everyone is talking yelling, and then BOOM! Fat boy socked our boy Edward. {Edward is Takamura's best friend, a fatass Asian kid}
I don't know what happened, but Rage filled inside me and I yelled out.
DrunkassME: Who the FUCK SOCKED EDDIE? WHO MOTHAFUCKA"S I'll kill you.
It was funny because I really didn't like Edward. Then Laura yelled at me to be quite and shut up. I didn't I kept yelling obscenities talking more shit, and getting more amped up to fight. I was so drunk off 151 and 10 beers that I just was itching to fight. Shit a cool story to tell the boys.
Me: Fuck, that mothafucka I'm going to kick his ass.
Laura: No! Your not fighting anyone I don't give shit.
Me: Laura, THAT GUY IS TALKING SHIT, HE"S TALKING SHIT!
Laura: you're such a dumbass when your drunk. Fuck you!
Jessica Laura's best friend: Laura let's go these fuckers are getting crazy.
Laura: Your not, fighting Chris I don't give a fuck. You're not fighting.
Then like a rocket shit went down. I see the fat kid that was talking shit go after one Of Gary's friends. They start fighting then it becomes Two on one. I see this and I'm all for fair play. They start beating the fuck out of this guy. And I run over like the dumbass I am and tackle this bitch like Lawrence Taylor tripped up on coke during a playoff game.
I'm on top of this kid and I just start pummeling him, I'm hitting him in the back of the head the face. Then Crack! I hit him scare in the nose and his nose shattered. Blood spew all over my shirt, I kept socking him, {fucker bleed on my shirt, shit Polo shirt} I kept hitting him only seeing rage then out of nowhere.....
BOOM! As I hit the dirt and skid off the gravel like a bowling ball. My eye had just gotten cracked by the Big Fucker that was fighting Gary's friend. Now let me describe the guy that knocked me.
FatBigMotherfucker: {Looked like one of those fat guys, that used to be fat but started lifting weights and taking roids so he had Huge ass arms, a shaved head, and of course a Tattoo of Texas. He was about 26 and I was 19 at the time. I weighed 230pds, he was easily 290 6'1. He I guaranteed played football back in the day. Well back to my ass beating.}
As I hit the dirt, I did a barrel roll over to the corner got up and rain back towards him and swung a right cross right to his face. He faulted to the corner. I then grabbed him by the neck and started choking him. He grabbed me and slammed me to the grown. Hard. I couldn't see out of my right eye. I didn't know why it was all black. We rolled around on the dirt as he kept on swinging at my ribs. I doubled back and Upper cutted him right in his chin, He elbowed me in the face, and when I was down started to Pummel the fuck out of me...
People I couldn't breathe, shit I was fighting to get up but I couldn't. My heart started beating faster as fear set in. I head butted him while on the ground. This didn't defer him. As he kept raining down hit's of ultimate force on my skull. Then Crack! As he doubled over and got mauled by 4 people. I got up.
I reached up for my eye... as I saw my friend Takamura's face open in an Oh, face in horror.
There was blood running down my face, all over my clothes all from my eye. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I walk over to see OldhippieDad come over and put a lighter up to my face and says" Ohmigod You need to go to ER". I couldn't see at all. My face was covered in blood, and so were my clothes. I started yelling for Takamura to take me to ER.
We run down the path and I'm going crazy, I might go into shock or whatever. I don't know I'm just scared for my eye. Shit will I be blind? Fuck I don't know. All I know is that I'm scared as shit.
We get to Evergreen hospital in Kirkland, they rush me to the E.R. as I walk in the doctor see's me and the first thing he says is.
Smartass doctor: Oh, that quite a "Shiner"
Me: ahaumhanaa.
They take me into E.R. and ask me what happened, where I fought etc... They take my eye and look at it and say that I need stitches below and under my eye. The asshole was socking me with a ring on his finger. They gave me Morphine {YAY!} and I sat there as Takamura and Edward were making fun of me while I was drugged up. The next day they issued me the ugliest fucking Eye patch god has ever laid eyes on. I mean fucking a retarded bitch is more slightly at the dinner table drooling than this eye patch.
The eye patch was Yellow outside foam, and the inside was a medal thing that looked like a fucking saltshaker. After that my eye looked fucking nasty for 3 weeks and it had mucous and shit all over it. Plus it looked like a rainbow bruise that was Yellow, Blue, Red, and Purple all around it. All three towns new that I got in a fight and everyone gave me shit.
As I reflect on the fight uber.. Well shit... I don't like to fight anymore. I think I will watch UFC for my fighting entertainment. Go ahead call me a pussy. But you haven't had your ass kicked by a bunch of hillbilly's up in Carnation. Oh yeah after those fuckers got beat up they yelled.
Do you know where to find us? Come to Fall City, Fall City they chanted. {Shit they're wiggers everywhere even in Issaquah}.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-15 17:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jay I don't know what the fuck that means.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey cock-pillow.
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
...
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man fuck you. Alchol and Booze. They had home brewed shit. Assholes shit we were in the backwoods.
This one fuck had hooch. hooch? can you believe that. SO ahh fucking blow me.
Submitted by Hands_Rambone (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So we walk up to a great fucking fire Pitt and behind it a river. It was awesome. We were having a party in the woods, with a giant fire pit, and a ton of alcohol and booze.
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Wow alcohol and booze you fucking dipshit retard.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i like when you are using capitals you use 2 spech marks instead of an apostrophe. that made me laugh. the rest was boring, sorry.
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah
the band Modest Mouse is from Issaqquah.
Fuck Issaqqah.
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bitch we have confederate flags out here.
You may not know this dipshit but Oregon, and Alot of parts of washington are hillbilly as fuck.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-03-15 15:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Confederate flags? In Washington? I live in Missouri, and we don't see Confederate flags in any of the hillbilly towns around here, and we're alot closer to the south than Washington. Based on this, I'm calling Shenanigans. Fat, dumb, and lazy is no way to go through life, son.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-15 15:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Laura: Your not, fighting Chris I don't give a fuck. You're not fighting."
__
eye hope you dont have 2 do any wrieting in your colleg classses...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-15 15:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Liar- Colleges don't admit total fucking dipshits like you.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-15 14:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-15 10:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
For fuck sakes.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-15 09:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:34:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
Reminds me of that time I slammed my balls in the car door
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HAHAHAHAHA You're so not Michael Jackson.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-15 09:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting the shit kicked out of you. It's well deserved, and been a long time coming.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-15 08:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
He should have killed you.
I swear one day when you spell check I won't give you a negative 2 and insult you fatass
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-15 08:45:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It tripped me out to see a real life hippy"
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-15 05:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The wayward apostrophes, the incorrect usage of "your" and "there", the double post and the fact that you spend your time getting drunk and fighting = -2.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Reminds me of that time I slammed my balls in the car door
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-15 03:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, looks like you got your groove back. Too many great moments to recount, but I like how you were fighting on the street, but you described it as if you were in a boxing ring.
Submitted by Hatch (user info) at 2005-03-15 01:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for reminding me of all the cool partiesI went to on private property wooded areas with huge bonfires and tons of booze. -1 for getting your drunkass kicked by rednecks on there turf .
Submitted by foodman (user info) at 2005-03-15 00:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"I weighed 230pds"
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And you have the balls to call other people fat?
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-15 00:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:24:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm +2ing this too
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61936
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-03-15 00:11:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fag
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a
spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ahaha
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's a "painless beatdown"
Enjoy!
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It sucked the first time!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-14 23:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm -2ing this too
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61936