How to ~EAT~ ^~Coochie ~^ (1923 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.34 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Veritas (View user info) at 2005-03-15 16:31:13 EST
Hello,
Well I hope u enjoy reading this...
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don't like it but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it's time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can't read the emotional road signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here's a little treat session to show you how I really feel." Instead of a screamed "OH MY GOD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous "ohmygodohmygodohmygod." Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that's French for "eat," you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a "Calgon, take me away" ad.
Break it down!
Be Down
Don't go down unless you're down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.
Don't Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that's needed to get the honey dripping.
Once you're sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There's nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950's milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don't play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman's pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she's lathered up, it's time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don't touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you're going away on a vacation.
Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Stat by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don't get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That's something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it's all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don't spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that's the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you're doing it right, she'll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she's been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you're having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin' crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It's good to groan and moan too. It shows you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).
This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it's real sensitive, she'll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're in for an easy ride. If there's no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.
Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you're getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who's boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you're giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he's the only one that can't be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it's time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don't. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesn't really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "Oh my God" means bring it on.
Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he's on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He's not going to tell you shit because he's a clit and he has no idea of what you're talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it's too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it's a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's multiorgasmic, you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.
Clits That Don't
Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you're getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn't cum, you're going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move
User Reviews
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-16 02:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you took the time to spell v3ri745 out.
You fucking un-3133t m0r0n.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-16 02:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In vino veritas.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-03-16 01:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who cares if it was plagarised.
I love to eat the pink. Rock on!
Submitted by v3ri745 (user info) at 2005-03-15 22:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I did NOT write this, but i had to post it. I cut a bit off at the end as well.
VERITAS=Noob
i cant copy/paste right
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-15 21:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you had mentioned the authors name or the fact you didnt write it, it would have rated better.
Submitted by right_wing_extremist (user info) at 2005-03-15 21:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 because I read this somewhere before. +2 because it gave me an erection anyway. So, zero.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-03-15 20:58:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just
have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer Defined
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2005-03-15 20:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And just as another FYI, I don't think this dude really wrote this. No one buy knows all this shit.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2005-03-15 20:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's right. No further comment.
Except that, FYI I am a female. And definitely don't stop until the hands push you away. However, be aware of the fake "he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, let me just moan and groan for a bit so he'll stop" hand push you away. To know whether or not it is real afterwards, if it's real, she will probably be catching breath with her hands over her face or head somehwere.
Guess there was a further comment after all.
Submitted by PrettyBondage (user info) at 2005-03-15 20:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i think ive read this before, but very very nice. eveyr man needs to read this post!
Submitted by fieldsr (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stolen.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whoa, keep it up shlong. i keep wasting my money on the dollar a ball, used ball bin.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
JohnyX-
I don't even wash my OWN golf balls.
I'm such a good stick, I get unlimited Pro-V1x's for free from Titleist.
So if one of my "balls" has even a grass stain on it, I toss it in the rough to let some cheap-ass hacker, like yourself, who just paid $148 for green fees while I play for free, get a temporary woody when he exclaims, "Look what I found! A brand new ProV1x".
I use them for about 6 holes then break out with a new egg, you fucking idiotski.
So in conclusion, besides not being humorous to anyone but yourself, your old "ball washing" joke isn't even close to accurate.
Imagine that irony.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Huh? clit?
Coalation for Liberation of Itinerate Tree-dwellers?
Submitted by MIll8178 (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 for plagiarizing it, +2 for informing me there is something called a "clit"
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
please no plagerize pedro thanks
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This was shit. So that's why you have a -2.
But secondly "A good mange (that's French for "eat," you brutes)"...
Why do people think french is somewhat more cultured than our language? Why is everything from Paris considered to be superiour, not on it's virtues, but on the fact it's from Paris (pronounced Paree you brutes).
How about i fucking write a post in a foreign language so i don't sound unsophisticated?
Le me try.
Tabemasu my dick bitch! (that's japanese for "eat", you brute.)
Submitted by sharwei (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Anybody that has time to write something like this, or plagiarize it, never eats any pussy, or gets any pussy....you suck!
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on, Nick. you can do better than this.
Write a story about zombies taking over the... oh nevermind, thats already been done.
Trying to prepare intarweb kiddies for something they will never do is kind of.. pointless.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
My record is 12 orgasms.
But this is plagerized, so fuck you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:15:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, JohnyX, you fucking retard.
If you think this teenage, acne-ridden, virgin dipshit wrote this, you're as much of a cockknob as he is.
___________________
I don't give a fuck who wrote it, Shlongsucker, it was humorous, i.e. unlike YOUR stupid fuckin posts.
NOW git back to work, they's balls-aplenty that need your vigorous rubbing!
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish people would realize that stealing material just doesn't work on Uber. We have read EVERYTHING.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for being utterly hilarious. -2 for plagiarization, altho who would expect anything less?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey thanks! I've been looking for this article for about 3 months... I've been trying to explain the benefits of the St. Bernard-tongue move to my boyfriend for nearly 2 weeks, and he's just not getting it.
0 because I know damned well you didn't write it, but I still consider it a public service.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the rip off
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And I've eaten more pusada in my day than you have eaten cheeseburgers, you goddamn idiot
----
Fucking Epic!!
Oh...and this was plagiarized.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
plagiarized
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey, JohnyX, you fucking retard.
If you think this teenage, acne-ridden, virgin dipshit wrote this, you're as much of a cockknob as he is.
And I've eaten more pusada in my day than you have eaten cheeseburgers, you goddamn idiot.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
come on veritas. just come out and say, "i never said i wrote it" and get the excuse out of the way.
"The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
Christi Bradnox
Originally Printed on Vice Magazine (Volume 6 Number 10)
Men suck at eating pussy...."
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:59:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not unlike Ayn Rand, you have changed my life!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes."
Heheheh. That one line alone is worth a legion of +2s.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I feel uncomfortable with you (or whoever the author is) personifying the clitoris as male.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to Schlongy, he's only a ball-washer, he doesn't know what a bajiner is.
"3000 lbs of explosives"
Great line, it's really cool when they go off, too!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry....link (NSFW)
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
wow. so are you like 15 years old and just got to eat a pussy for the first time, and decided to share it with the world?
cuz any guy who TRULY knows how to munch the muff keeps it to himself, so's all the ladies flock to him.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.hercurve.com/self/archive/het/viceguide.html
haha, i just assumed you didn't write it and sure enough i was right.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn't over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she's multiorgasmic, you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.
If she is fucking multi orgasmic she can go again once she has gulped down one of my loads. I dont have to do anything, if you have earned 4 or 5 mind blowing, back spasming, ear shattering orgasms you will get them, if not, learn to give better head.
Some good tips though, thanks i guess, but you do realize the EVERY girl likes something different. I have never been with a chick that liked the same thing as another one, so thanks for telling me how to get YOU off.
What are you up to later on tonight?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is awesome. I feel like I just took a six-week class.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I don't think I'll be taking any lessons on how to chow the beave from some goofus who only sees pussy in magazines and/or via the internet.