The Perils of Social Isolation (1941 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2005-03-15 17:52:18 EST
I'm not an arrogant guy, but one of the problems with creating an obviously exaggerated alter-ego on the internet is that some people will assume that personality to be a reflection of reality. A while ago, during a long and dry summer before starting University, I changed my banal and uninteresting website into a celebration of arrogance, idiocy and oxymoron. I thought this would be quite interesting, as in real life I'm a quiet, reserved kinda guy, usually on the fringes rather than in the thick of things- just ask anyone who met me at the first Ubercon UK.
Of course, with university came the chance to rebuild my personality into a more sociable image- which I briefly flirted with, then acrimoniously dumped. Well, I not only dumped that potential image, I pulled down my trousers and shat all over it. I retreated to my room, painted warhammer and waited for term to end, trampling the shit-covered spectre of my potential future further into the mud.
Well, that was the plan, anyway. What actually happened was that, having retreated to my room, I got immensely bored. Warhammer, music, thejoyofspex.com... they all faded into one rather unsatisfying whole. In an effort to regurgitate some of my sociability, I returned to my website (not given becuase, frankly, it's a load of crap) and posted the inter-halls number of my room phone. This wasn't as stupid as it sounds- figuring that in a moderately-sized student village there can't be too many people who'd seen my website, I anticipated no calls, and a quick removal of the phone number in a few days time, following a realisation of the level of attention-seeking I had stooped to. But no, I would not escape that lightly.
Dozing gently, Air's 'Moon Safari' playing softly in the background, I was content. Until the phone started ringing, anyway. Having a ground-floor flat, people regularly have arguments and/or throw up outside my window, so I've gotten used to surviving on fitful bursts of sleep, but being woken at 3am by a phone call was a little unusual. Gingerly, I lunged for the phone, scattering Warhammer men across my room as I struggled to find it in the dark. But eventually, I must have.
"Uhh... hello?" (imagine this being said in a sleep-deprived, vulnerable, vaguely Scottish voice)
"HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO MIKE!"
What. The. Fuck.
"Uh huh?"
"I READ YOUR WEBSIIIIITE!I LOVE YOUR 'TACHE'!"
"Thanks. Uhh, do I know you?"
"NOOO! BUT I SAW YOU!!! IN YOUR ROOM, ON YOUR COMPUTER!!"
Hardly psychic, considering the inordinate amount of time I spend on it.
Now, it's hard to recreate this girl's (for it appeared to be a girl) manner of speech. For one, it was embarrassingly high-pitched. It was like one of those cartoons where the character makes a face as the caller shouts at them, holding the phone away from themselves in order not to be deafened. It was an unintelligible, hyperactive (probably drunk) voice, which babbled at me for a bit. I couldn't figure out exactly what they were saying, but it wasn't exactly complimentary. Laughter in the background surprised me, though. I asked the 'girl' who her friends were.
"OHHH! THAT'S MY PET! OLIVER!!! SAY HELLOOO TO OLIVER!"
A fumbling sound, a brief respite, then a man's voice, almost welcome after the screechings of his friend. The kind of Irish accent that would melt women's hearts into a sticky puddle at his feet.
"Well, I once tried fucking sheep, but it was a bit too tight, y'know? So I can empathise with you and all."
*click*
OK, that was a little unexpected. Fucked up, if I was feeling a little less charitable. After a few minutes spent bemused, I went to sleep.
Cue last Saturday.
Another wasted evening for me, only I was actually doing work for my course, so at least I had a vaguely acceptable excuse. But my would-be fan seemed to find this unacceptable. I knew it was 'her', as it would seem somewhat out of character for my parents to call at 2am. Building up sufficient witticisms to reflect my online alter-ego, I answered the call.
"HELLOOOOOO!!"
"Hey there. How are you?"
"GOOD! ARE YOU GOOD?"
"I'm bearing up, thanks."
I'll spare you the babblings that followed this brief exchange. When she was done, or too inebriated to continue, she passed me on to someone else. Not the Irish chap- this time, a coherent, gently lilting female voice, just Australian enough not to grate. My voice wasn't the only thing that perked up.
"Hey... my friend told me to talk to you."
"Uhh... hi. How are you?" (I don't have the balls to pretend I was particularly witty.)
"I'm good... what are you up to?"
"Writing an essay for Philosophy."
Real fucking cool, Mike. All the ways to impress this woman with your charm, sociability and style, and you admit to spending your Saturday night working. Classy.
"Oh really? I mean, I'm studying vet science, but I did one of my *insert Australian higher education qualifications* in it. What's it on?"
Coherant and smart. I think I'm in love.
"Theodicy, reconciling the existence of God with the existence of evil."
"Are you arguing from the standpoint of the insufficiency of...."
I won't bore you with details of my essay, but for some unknown, unaccountable reason, she actually helped me. Of course, it couldn't last. As she finished one of her points, she said quickly said she had to go, and there was a moment of silence.
"HELLLOOOOOO MIKE! WITH THE TACHE! I BET YOU MAST..."
A brief fumble, the sound of laughter down the phone. Great. I'm glad you disturbed me from my work so I could be passing entertainment. Ach well, at least I got to talk to a hot-sounding woman. I reached to hang up the phone.
"Hey, Mike? I just wanted to say it was great talking to you, and I hope your essay goes well! Bye!"
*click*
God damn. I shudder to think where the other girl was going, but regardless, I was more positively inclined towards the whole idea of receiving random late-night phone calls. Suffice to say, I had a fairly sleepless night.
Tonight, I got another phone call, except there was no high-pitched weirdness. Rather, it was the familiar, endlessly hot voice of the unknown Australian.
"Hey... how's the essay going?"
"It's improving, thanks. How are you anyway?"
After we talked a bit about the essay, she cut me off in mid sentence.
"Umm... Mike, what are you doing this weekend?"
Hot damn. Something witty, something witty...
"I'm going home."
Super-stud Mike strikes again. Oh well.
"Oh well, in that case you probably wouldn't want to... MASTERBATE!! MIKEEEEE! WITH THE 'TACHE!!!!!!! WOOO!"
Gales of laughter rang down the phone. There was no fumbling as the voice seamlessly changed again.
"Or maybe you'd prefer this voice, you desperate, randy little cunt!"
My charming friend, the Irishman, apparent source of all the characters I'd been conversing with. If what I'd heard wasn't enough, he proceeded to repeat the aforementioned phrase using first the Australian, then the high-pitched screecher. Whoever he is, he has quite the talent for voice acting. The conniving, potato-eating little prick.
So, I guess the moral of the story is not to get involved in detailed phone conversations with highly intelligent and multi-voiced Irishmen posing as Australian vet science students. Which I'm sure is something we can all relate to.
Fuck it. I'm staying in my room for as long as my penis will let me.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-15 04:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't we just talk about it Mike? Lets not fight.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70715#1450720
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-05 08:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike the Scottish (View user info) at 2005-03-15 17:52:18
15th of March!!!??
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-05-31 22:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2005-05-23 17:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 For not being an asshole. You see, good things get you rewarded.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-15 01:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Submitted by Ich (user info) at 2005-05-15 01:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I hate to admit it, that was really funny, even though I do hate people like that.
Thanks for liking the suit. Stay brave.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-03 19:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-05-03 17:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ, I must be psychic. I only just beseeched you for an obligatory celebration post, and here it is.
Lucky bastards though. """
Mad that and exactly at the same time.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ai Laddy, it tis all and sundry.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-24 08:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my God. I laughed like I was insane.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2005-04-20 17:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-03-24 04:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This cracked me up.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-24 04:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a cunt.
Got to hand it to him though.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-21 07:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
apparently, you're scottish
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-21 06:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops, sorry if you're not british... don't you in the U.K. have bahhbal...
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-21 06:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you brits have caller-id?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-21 06:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha... loved this... now write a Ubercon post because I'm too tired and busy!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-20 11:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking. Awesome.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-19 08:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The conniving, potato-eating little prick. "
I laughed out loud when I read that. See you at Ubercon.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-16 17:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:47:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:30:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Which phone are you calling, Cookie?
-----
The only phone I ever call, darling. When have I ever managed to call your wacko room phone?
-----
My bad- you know what my memory's like! Maybe my digging it up from underneath the bed and switching it onto something other than 'silent' might help.
I'm now going to commit hara-kiri for using the phrase 'my bad'.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:30:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Which phone are you calling, Cookie?
-----
The only phone I ever call, darling. When have I ever managed to call your wacko room phone?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-03-16 04:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck science, you're on a much more interesting track. I can't believe someone was able to fuck with you like that. He deserves some sort of prank phone call prize.
PS respeck for having your priorities straight when it comes to chicks.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-16 03:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-16 02:20:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
He he. You got sucka'd. Ever find out who it was?
--------
Nope. But i'd recognise his (real) voice anywhere, so there's a chance i'll find out yet.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-16 02:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He he. You got sucka'd. Ever find out who it was?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-15 21:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:17:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, the good life. in my college we just farted into the receiver.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh the memories.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, the good life. in my college we just farted into the receiver.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-15 19:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"*insert Australian higher education qualifications*"
Ninth grade?
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:58:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't see that coming. Nice one.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me apologise on behalf of all irishmen, and secondly recomend you join a club, maybe a warhammer club, so as to climb one rung of the social heirachy of humans.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Which phone are you calling, Cookie?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
what is it with you falling in love with girls who help you with your essays?
At least I turned out to be an actual girl. =P
This might explain why you don't answer the phone when I call in the middle of the night anymore.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for hollowing out the old-fashioned cord phone earpiece and fucking the hell out of it after you read this comment about doing just that.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, sorry again for that, Davros!
Don't forget that, after wasting one of your precious lie-ins on me, you're going to drive me halfway across the country! Gotta love irresponsible, parasitic students, eh?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know what to expect from this from the title.
A few lines in, I was expecting something completely different.
Now I am confused again.
Friday at 7am. (You fucker, couldn't have come a little later).
-Dave
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe the Vatican's official position on this issue is:
"Deal with it, suckas!"
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahh, I would, Zakalwe, but unfortunately choosing a proper subject would require me to do actual work. Besides, all the scientists and engineers I know are alcoholics, the one vice i've been able (thus far) to evade.
And if you think Philosophy is useless, how about my one of my other subjects, Slavonic Studies...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-15 18:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah. What a devious bastard. I miss uni.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some essay advice: drop Philosophy and learn something useful. Engineering or physics. The world needs scientists, and with your social inadequacies you'll fit right in!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was waiting for the part where you had vigourous unprotected sex with Ainkara, but it was not to be.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-03-15 17:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Incidentally, if anyone really does know anything about theological views concerning the reconciliation of God and evil, feel free to help me out. That stupid essay is due in tomorrow.