1st post (623 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.36 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Yuppies are lame (View user info) at 2005-03-16 11:51:17 EST
Wow, first post on Ubersite and I find myself lodged in between the proverbial rock and hard place. No matter what I post I am going to be slapped with -2's from every swinging dick in here. So do I waste a good story on you fuckers? Perhaps something inflamatory may be in order. Fuck it I will just do em both starting with a true short story.
Names have been changed to protect the stupid
Not to long ago I was a bright eyed idealistic twenty-one year old Sheriffs Deputy hell bent on
solving all of societies problems. I had just finished the academy as well as a 3 month field
training program. So there I was patrolling my beat, suppressing crime and defending the weak,
when out of nowhere my unit number is called. "Headquarters to unit 2012" YAY thats ME !!!!
"2012 to headquarters, go ahead". "Unit 2012 please respond to a complaint of a medical problem
at <insert address here> at the Inbred Yokel residence".
Ok I am going to pause the story right here so that I may provide you some backround info about the Inbred Yokel residence. I had been working for the sheriffs office since the tender age of 18. I started as a 911 operater. Point is I had heard of the Inbred Yokels..... in fact I had even spoken to them on several occassions on the 911 line. See the Inbred Yokels where in fact 100% inbred, this wasnt just a theory or a joke it was true. The Inbred Yokel residence consisted of 2 males in their late 30' and 1 sister in her early thirties. The Inbred Yokels were all 11 toed folk and they all had the same speech impediment that caused them to "tawk like diss officew" The Inbred Yokels were not "retarded" per se' but lets just say that Forrest Gump could smoke em in a battle of wits. By far the most important thing to know about this family is this 1 very disturbing fact: The 2 brother Yokels used to take turns fucking their sister. Thats right, usually the deputies would have to go break up fights between the 2 brothers because disputes would arise because they couldnt agree on whose turn it was to fuck the sister. Keep in mind, none of this is fiction, these are just the facts bitches..........ok back to the story
"2012 to headquarters whats the nature of the medical problem". One could only hope that the whole
family just chugged drano. " Headquarters to 2012 I am unable to disclose that at this time".
Then I heard it, the tone of her voice said it all. This was going to be some funny shit.
"2012 to headquarters I am enroute" Woot lights and sirens bitches, lights and sirens.
I thought I would be the first to arrive at the Inbred Yokel residence, but I had been beat by
the paramedics, and another sheriffs deputy. As I walk into the house I hear one of the Yokels
making a noise that I can only compare to the most annoying sound in the world as depicted by
Jim Carrey's character in the movie "Dumb and Dumber" except more painful. In contrast to this
horrible noise I hear uncontrollable laughing from the medics and the other deputy.
I walk into the bedroom where this amalgam of noise is coming from, and see the most bizarre sight
that my 21 year old eyes ever had the displeasure of viewing. There he was, the eldest male of the
Yokel clan kneeling onside his bed, naked from the waist down, his pelvis stuck to a bloody area of
mattress. Apparantly little sis was not home when the eldest Yokel had the urge to merge. So he
either put his dick in an already existing/or man made hole in the side of his bed. In doing so he
managed to get his cock caught in a mattress spring, and judging by his screams and the blood he
had been trying to free his cock for some time now.
(good thing lil brother Yokel was there to call 911)
The story ends with firemen cutting the tainted section of the mattress away from the rest of
the bed, and Inbred Yokel was brought to the ER by the paramedics.
Ok that was my good story, I know I promised something inflammatory as well but I have run out of time for now. So next time I post I promise to do my best to piss as many of you off as possible.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-16 22:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-16 14:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
lilly livered milky licker
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:16:16 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HammetthalenvanSRV (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:10:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just what we need, more fuck off cops
Actually I am not a cop anymore you pole smoker, I am disabled as a result of an injury I sustained at work about a year ago.
OH, I see now. You're a future Fat Tony.
Actually, he's what I call: a scumbag
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HammetthalenvanSRV (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:10:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just what we need, more fuck off cops
Actually I am not a cop anymore you pole smoker, I am disabled as a result of an injury I sustained at work about a year ago.
OH, I see now. You're a future Fat Tony.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What's with the spacing?
Submitted by HammetthalenvanSRV (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just what we need, more fuck off cops
Actually I am not a cop anymore you pole smoker, I am disabled as a result of an injury I sustained at work about a year ago.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you people never learn
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Strangely enough, I agree with Shlongy. The post above yours is a first post, and it's gonna do well.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yuppies are like so 80's.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Why do these retards INSIST on letting on that it's a "First Post"?
If it's something good, you can usually sneak it by the usual Uber genius squad.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If that would've gotten infected, it would be pretty inflammatory.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Screw first post. That's self-perpetuating myth.
You'll get my vote on content.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
tradition
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-16 11:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just what we need, more fuck off cops.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-16 11:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's some fucked-up shit dude.
Since you're new here, let me refer you to the master at http://www.ubersite.com/m/62038. That's how it's done.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-16 11:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"One could only hope that the whole family just chugged drano. "
+2 for that line alone.
Another interesting story : http://www.ubersite.com/m/61329
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-16 11:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not an asshole, I'm the perfect guy on Uber, you can rely on my vote!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-16 11:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this deserves a -2 no matter which post it is