I Had an AWESOME Time in Las Vegas... (1698 hits)
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Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2005-03-16 15:51:16 EST
"Tim, the whole town knows you had an awesome time."
I'd like to provide some entertainment for those of you who were not
fortunate enough to join us in las vegas, and some quality reminiscing
for those of us who were fortunate enough to visit Las Vegas.
I don't remember enough to give a chronological recap of all the hilarious events and situations that occured, therefore I will solely provide you with the incomplete list of incredulances which i remember.
As we all know, I have a little bit of what they call a drinking problem. The problem is that I like to drink a lot when I'm hanging out with friends. Also when I'm hanging out with people I don't like, or hanging out with people I just met. Or strangers. So I have a problem. I know this.
Luckily, I have a solution. The solution is to drink a lot. And be crazy. And entertain people. And use short grammatically incorrect sentences. I'm pretty sure I managed to do all of the above during my three days in Vegas.
The first night we arrived, I was greeted by a BLACKED OUT AJ. He'll tell you that he wasn't blacked out, but let me tell you - he should have been. He spent an hour picking up individual grains of rice from the white/red speckled carpet. Rizzo was crazy drunk, until I found out that he didn't drink. So he's just crazy...and by crazy I mean the world's sweetest person. (in the dude-sweet-dude sense of the word)
I get a hug from AJ & Rizzo, and its like we've been friends our whole lives. It was really something.
And I was also greeted with a lovely nod and a beautiful smile and an angelic "hi" from the gorgous Nicole, who, aside from being spectacular looking, also happens to be the best overall human being I have ever come into contact with.
So eventually we go out boozing, and nothing funny happens. We proceed from Carnival Bar to the Karaokee Bar, where I embarass myself singing, but I rocked out to some Poison, and played some guitar with the mic stand.
I don't remember much after the Karaokee Bar, I blacked out pretty early that night. There was some southern belle on the plane next to me who gave me a ton of free drink coupons, so we got drunk. And Munkeynuts had 151.
I guess we went to breakfast, where I passed out, and had a bunch of spoons stuck in my mouth or something. I don't know...
The next day, I meet everyone else. Everyone rules.
So me and Bart are playing poker. I have AK suited, hearts. On the turn comes the third heart. I'm betting, Bart is betting, I figure he has a smaller flush. He does. I throw about 50 of my dollars into the pot, and go to turn over the nuts, only to find that my K is not a heart, but in fact a diamond. Whatever assfucker came up with the idea of having two suits be the same color should be locked in a room with Carol Richards. Shit!
We go eat at Margaritaville, where a bunch of funny things happen, like doing a shot of jager, and these clowns kept making cockandballs balloon animals and giving them to everyone. A certain someone may or may not have deepthroated (worst deepthroat ever) this balloon, which you can find on Rizzo's latest post.
I remember getting drunk again. We went to some bars, I can't distinguish which ones they were, because the nights kind of run together. I think this was the night where I stayed up until 530 am, fucking around with Rizzo, Jay, and Terry. Here is how the infamous Fadeaway Shot really happened.
I'm drunk, I wanted to piss off a glass bridge onto the main strip, but they assured me that this was a bad idea, so instead i piss behind some bush right outside the Bellagio. We get into the Bellagio, and I have to pee again. I go into a bathroom, and have the world's most glorious piss, and some guy in there is talking to me, breaking the cardinal rule of public urinal peeing. So we shoot the shit, he says he's a basketball player for some D1 college, which i am outwardly skeptical about. So I nail a hookshot into the bathroom trash, and grab some more paper towels to crumble up and use for a b-ball.
I exit the bathroom, clear the doorway, and turn and see a trash can I just passed. I take four or five more steps, shout, "DOWNING, CROSSOVER...TURN-A-ROUND FADEAWAY," I crossover, and attempt a turnaround fadeaway, and nail it. Unfortunately, being in the state of mine I was in, I had a little trouble with balance. So it was really the turnaround that did me in. I got my feet crossed up, and ended up falling on my face, much to the delight of the bathroom-talking-while-peeing basketball player. Rizzo and Jay and Terry are embarrassed, but I dont' care.
"I'm shitfaced, what did you expect to happen?"
"you guys feel like playing a game of pool? I ask everyone. They nod their heads in agreement, and I say, "i'll go find out where a table is."
I approach the nearest Hotel Employee, who happens to be a craps dealer. At a high limit table. "excuse me, sir, do you happen to know where the nearest pool table is by chance?"
...
...
silence.
"EXCUSE ME, Sir?...
read Jay's story for the rest. He ended up telling me that the nearest pool table was 25 minutes off the strip...fucking liar.
So then I did some cartwheels to entertain everyone, and proceeded to immediately black out. I think we went back to the Garden Bar, where I asked what I thought was a hooker my standard Are-You-a-Hooker question: "I'm terribly sorry, but I need to appologize in advance for what is certainly and awkward question. I just wanted to know if..."
"yes."
"oh, OK." I run back to the group..."DUDES, SHE'S A HOOKER!" as if this should surprise me...being Sin City and all. Does anyone else think that the moniker Sin City is slightly ironic, being that there are 60 chapels within a 2 square mile area? I do.
It might have been Saturday night, when we were drunk at some hotel bar, when I thought it'd be a good idea to ask Val to punch me in the face.
"Go ahead Val, punch me in the face."
"no tim, i'm not punching you in the face"
"I knew you woudln't do it. You won't do it. I dare you. Go ahead, punch me in the face."
"NO TIM, I won't do it!"
"i bet you punch like a girl."
THUD! She punches me in the face.
"I knew you punched like a girl."
Then she talked about not following through, but I didn't particularly care.
I don't remember much else...but
I remember the drunken cartwheels, and getting random high fives because of them. I remember crushing AJs knee ligaments and tendons when he insisted he give me a piggy back ride. I remember Playing the bongos on the inner thighs of a male statue. I remember the hot blonde identical twin piano bar pianists. I remember having a tear in my eye when they called all the servicemen up on stage, and sang God Bless the USA, even though all the crazy rednecks were doing the same. I remember when the bar bought all the servicemen a shot of good tequila. I remember when Scotty took too. I remember "yeah, i just yaaked."
I remember talking to this girl, then going dancing at Margaritaville with her and her friend, where we saw two of the tallest ugliest women ever. And by 'women' i mean transvestites.
I remember admiring the many beautiful fake breasts held up in tight bikinis, that are so prevalent in Las Vegas. I remember thinking to myself, "I wonder who designs breast implants...BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERS!" (thats what i am) So that is my next dream job...that and Victoria Secret Bra Engineer.
I remember being elated when Nicole jumped into my arms, and I lifted her up and spun her around, romantic comedy style, and I remember AJ jumping in my arms immediately after. I don't remember dragging AJ across the concrete by his ankles, although I guess that happened.
I don't remember much...
I do know that Uber people are some of the best people in the world. And I love that.
I also love Vegas, gambling, poker, Iowa girls, Las Vegas, Uber people, and getting punched in the face. I also love peeing in bushes, doing cartwheels for strangers, sunburns and yellow birthday cake shots.
I love chapstick on cracked lips, weak pina colidas, small, medium, and large breasts, and see through white bikins that contain them. I love the University of Auburn. I love hot blond identical twin pianists, almost as much as I love rock and roll itself. I love winning money at no limit poker against professional 'rounders.' I love 48 oz Smithwick beers for 9 dollars. I love 8 Irish Car Bombs for 42 dollars.
I love not sleeping, but not as much as I love not needing to. I love "I love this bar," but I hate when the rednecks sing it as "I love nascar."
I love my new friends.
Anxiously awaiting the next ubercon (this weekend) next vegas trip (memorial day weekend) and the next time I get to play the bongos on some inner thighs.
Cheers.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-11-10 08:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was a great recap of a great time in vegas. i can't wait to go again.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-05 08:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best internetfriend time ever.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-26 05:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hopefully, you saw, you concurred, you came. +++
(I'm bit behind on my Ub. reading.)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-17 23:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
davrosicano...you got it.
next time i'm in europe,w hich should be son, i'll be dirnkijng with you
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-17 16:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim, we seriously need to hang out.
I also suffer from Alcohol Induced Narcolepsy.
:jealousy:
-Dave
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-17 16:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate all of you.
Fuck your hugs!
Shiloh IS hot.
hehe
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-17 15:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hugging Corn!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-17 15:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck,
and I love you guys, TOO!
Ahem.... someone hug me, quick.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-17 15:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have the plague.
Tim, and you say you're never funny... pfftt...
And Shiloh is hot.
That is all.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-17 14:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:57:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again and... this is so heartfelt and honest.
The ending is awesome.
I lvoe you, man.
-----------------
what a coincidence...i love me too!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-17 14:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Great BIG group HUG!!
I love everyone!!
This weekend...we'll do a toast! w00t
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this again and... this is so heartfelt and honest.
The ending is awesome.
I lvoe you, man.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-17 12:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-17 12:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunk last night, have a +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-17 08:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not a vegas fan, but i loved this post...so accurate!
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-17 02:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was one hell of a post
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-17 02:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm glad, because you're a tool
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-03-16 20:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You only live two hours away. Come to Philly, or I'll come up there.
Submitted by Saxman (user info) at 2005-03-16 18:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
was on it's way to +2...then you used the term "proffesional rounders".
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-16 18:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-03-16 18:16:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
We were also trying to throw ice cubes in your mouth from like 12 feet away. I hit an Asian waiter, I think.
---
EMC...I just tinkled a little. I love you!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-03-16 18:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We were also trying to throw ice cubes in your mouth from like 12 feet away. I hit an Asian waiter, I think.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-03-16 17:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim, I'm so glad you enjoyed my drunken rendition of "God Bless The USA." And that was some horrid tequila.....BARF!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Timbo we took pictures of you passed out in the restaurant. You were also
wearing my "Bubba Teeth"
Good Times.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA, I met that dude at a party before he was famous. His real name is Andy and he has a really small penis.
He is underrated as a rapper, though. He's got mad skillz.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rodeo drive, athens georgia, 30605, that ain't no lie.
-bubba sparxxx
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah it's an invite. Everyone come to Athens and see the Dawgs beat the crap out of someone this fall. Party at Jeanneee's, WOO!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great post by any standard.
Very entertaining... Had I gone, I would have been hanging out with you probably.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well we're both going to be in NH this weekend, no?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm afraid god wouldn't let us in the same state together for fear that we would start building a ladder to heaven so we can try and challenge him to a game of minitiaure golf, because as everybody, I mean EVERYBODY knows, god fucking sucks at putting.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is that an invite? because i'll definately go. lets do an Ubercon College Football in the south.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
College football is indeed a religion in the deep south. You should come down for a game next fall. I promise you that you'll love it.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know, I read these and feel kinda sad that I opted not to go, and then I remember that with my social anxiety disorder, I would have spent the entire weekend hiding behind Shiloh and speaking in whispers. And then I remember that Shi is fucking hot, and perhaps hiding behind him for a weekend wouldn't be such a bad thing, and I regret not coming.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry Jeannee, i didn't meet anyone from UGA, although i'm sure they're awesome and hot also.
i learned the politics of Big Time College Football in the South from this girl...it was sweet learning about how they get dressed up to go to games, and go on dates and shit based ont eh game. i think i grew up in the wrong half of the country.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You said you like to drink with:
1) friends
2) people you hate
3) people you just met
4) strangers.
You never said anything about drinking alone, so I'd say you don't have a drinking problem. Carry on.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm with aj on that.
i still have laryngitis
fuck you people
i'm going to put on my -2DIE thong and pout
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your little shout-out to Auburn almost cost you this +2.
GO DAWGS WOO
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you fuckers gave me the plague. I am so fucking sick today.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still, Munkey is right, you DO write like you talk, and that kicks ass.
Major amounts of hooker ass.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-16 16:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LIES!
She punched you SATURDAY!
At least, the one *I* saw was Saturday...
The turnaround was Friday.
And I'm still pretty sure you hit your head, seriously. The concrete floor doesn't "clang".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-16 15:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
You write exactly how you speak.
You're awesome.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-03-16 15:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck you tim, if you hadn't been drunk you woulda felt that punch more
bitch boy
and i didn't follow through for real. i didn't want to fucking punch you!