my potato essay (694 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.82 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matchstick Man <i like ponies> (View user info) at 2005-03-16 21:04:40 EST
a while ago i was assigned a "descriptive" essay of 1,500 words, on any topic which i chose. in my own way of getting a feel for the teacher, i tested the limits of her tolerance with a 964-word essay with no less than two made-up words. it recieved a b+. tell me what you think...
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Potatoes. There, the topic has been set. Those who do not like potatoes can stop reading. Those who are on the Atkins diet, they can stop, also. Those who are allergic potatoes, well, they are not too lucky at all, because potatoes are great. In this essay there will be three sections; one section shall describe potatoes, one section shall describe how potatoes are disallowed on the Atkins diet, and one section will most certainly describe how awesomely excellent potatoes really are. This will, undeniably, be a great essay on potatoes, whether it receives an "A" or an "F."
Potatoes are usually brown, lumpy objects that can generally be found growing underground for some reason. It isn't too logical to grow under the ground, because then there is no opportunity to get a nice tan, to walk around, or even to remain unblemished by the further brownness that is soil. However, potatoes manage to be bone white on the inside, never move on their own power, and almost always be dirty on the outside with little to no effort at all required. Potatoes are widely consumed for many different purposes. One of these purposes is really quite obvious: eating them. There are probably many other uses for potatoes, like using them as weapons, maybe, or even as a children's toy, but they will not be explored in this essay. The main purpose itself is probably the most diverse use, allowing the potato to be baked or fried, eaten whole or sliced thin, mashed or whipped, and many other things can be done after this so-called preparation, these things including buttering, salting and peppering. After the potato is prepared, it can be eaten and it will be delicious. It is certain that somewhere on Earth people are eating raw potatoes, but they are the potato heretics, the scourge of the potato-eating community, and will not be discussed in this essay. Raw potatoes are as bad as boiled cabbage, or steamed cabbage, or any kind of cabbage altogether for that matter, only potatoes are much pulpier. They are, for the most part, the same shade of milky white, though they would probably taste much different drenched deeply in ketchup.
Potatoes are wonderfully versatile. They can be grown en masse on a farm, they can be grown out of masse, they can be picked up and carried, they can be packed and shipped, but above all that, they can behave. A potato (or two if two are available) is (are) a hitchhiker's best friend because of all its (their) myriad uses. Potatoes, however, do not make good solid or stationary objects, and as such they should never be stepped on or desperately grabbed in an attempt to slow one's fall. Potatoes are, in fact, very unsteady objects owing solely to their irregular shapes. Regularity is what some people would argue is the best solution to this problem, but they are wrong. If all potatoes were the same, no one would eat them, except poor people, or maybe fad dieters, which break into the next point.
If someone were on the Atkins or South Beach or some other low-carb-lifestyle diet, that same someone would, sadly, miss the excellent, mottled-cream, ground-dwelling organic blob that is the potato. The problem with these diets is that carbs, short for carbohydrates, are necessary for human life. This is not the worst problem; the worst problem is that the low-carb dieters cannot eat the fabulous "pomme de terre" that is the potato. Potatoes are, basically, carbs with a thin skin around them. The cream-colored, squishy mass inside the outer skin is, in fact, pure carbohydrates. If a low-carb dieter ate a whole potato, no matter which of the unimaginable billions of ways it could be prepared, they would, doubtless, have to re-assess their New Year's resolutions. As a matter of fact, anyone foolhardy enough to resolve to stick to a low-carb diet and then eat a potato is a very irresolute person indeed. Anyone foolhardy enough to start a low-carb diet is a foolhardy person, indeed, because the seduction of the potato is almost entirely, but not quite completely, irresistible. This is why low-carb diets are foolish—they are potato-blasphemy. They would be, if the potato had its own religion, which would be a very viable religion owing to how perfect potatoes really are.
Potatoes are fabulous, they are awesome, and they are excellent, superb, swell, marvelous and prodigious. They are even capable of being mashed and dehydrated for later reconstitution as a really quite great side dish, whish is commonly known as "instant spuds" for no apparent reason. Any dish, short of potatoes au gratin, which involves potatoes is more than likely a splendid dish, borrowing from how simply wonderful potatoes themselves really are. Sometimes, cooking or otherwise preparing the potato may detract from its overall incredibility, but it will still remain awesome at the core of the matter simply because the core of the matter is a potato, which is awesome. Nothing can take awesomeness away, except becoming a dish of potatoes au gratin. For instance, if the awesome George Carlin were suddenly to spontaneously become a small dish of au gratin potatoes, he would no longer be quite as awesome as he once was.
Speaking in a comparative fashion, this essay is not as awesome as it once was, so it will be concluded here, roughly 550 words short of the target length. Anyway, no one is that interested in reading 1,500 words about potatoes after all; this including topics of general potatal knowledge—yes that is a brand new word—Atkins potatoage—yes, that is another new word—and overall potato awesomeness. Factually speaking, potatoes are not poisonous. Speaking of opinion, potatoes are awesome and non-low-carb-compliant. This has been the words least interesting essay, based entirely on potatoes, and the world's most interesting essay based entirely on potatoes. It will be concluded in conclusion with a remark stating that if this were a research essay it would have easily outlasted 2,000 words, but without any real, factual information, the whole thing would have been nonsensical hearsay, so it ends here.
User Reviews
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2005-03-21 13:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just so you guys know...i copied and pasted this directly from word, so the formatting didn't transfer. i was tired and didn't feel like putting 5 spaces in every paragraph so i just left it. if you want me to revise it and post it again for muchos +2s, i will, but not unless you guys will help pull me out of my horrible sucky rating slump. ya dig?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-17 09:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would have given you a fucking "D+" but your teacher must read bad grammar and spelling a lot better than I do.
Congrats on the B+.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-17 07:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16146
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-17 07:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Potatoage. Who knew?
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-03-17 07:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Potatoes, however, do not make good solid or stationary objects, and as such they should never be stepped on or desperately grabbed in an attempt to slow one's fall."
That is in the top 5 sentences ever to have been viewed by my eyes.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-17 06:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-16 22:11:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
This got B+? Good work.
Reminds me of a Chinese girl i know who couldn't speak english properly but was continuaously given A+'es for english.
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Lily?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-17 04:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would have given you +2 but the formatting made my eyes bleed. put some spaces between the paragraphs!
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2005-03-16 23:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-16 23:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's some funny shit.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-16 22:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This got B+? Good work.
Reminds me of a Chinese girl i know who couldn't speak english properly but was continuaously given A+'es for english.
Submitted by right_wing_extremist (user info) at 2005-03-16 21:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was an English student once, and I wrote an essay on the stones in the concrete of a sidewalk. It was all about age metaphor, etc..
It seemed brilliant to me at the time. I gave a +2 because your essay reminded me of the sidewalk thing I did so many years ago. Even though the shit that I wrote sucked.
I gave you +2 because your potato essay reminds me of my sidewalk stone story so long ago.
You're cool.
Submitted by matchstickman (user info) at 2005-03-16 21:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
come on, i don't even get comments? this is some of my best work...
yeah, i know that's sad
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-16 21:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-03-16 21:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment