The Ten Commandments (Revised) (1498 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.43 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2005-03-17 00:00:24 EST
If you were looking for Charlton Heston, you can put your rifles down. You won't find anything of the sort here. No, the purpose of this post is to recognize that these are different times, and as a society our values have changed. It seems time to update some of these outdated philosophies. Buddy Christ would have wanted it that way. Without further ado...
I.
Was previously...
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Revised...
I really don't give a shit who you pray to, as long as your religion involves bathing on a regular basis and doesn't involve crashing a plane into a well-known well-populated landmark.
II.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Revised...
We are all created equal, except for actors, models, sports figures, rock/rap stars and those with bucket-loads of money literally spilling out their ass. Living vicariously through others makes for a pathetic and pointless existence, unless your vehicle for this is Playstation 2 or X-Box, in which case by all means carry on.
III.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
Revised...
God damn it, what was I saying? I keep losing my train of thought. Jesus this is some good fucking herb, Christ almighty.
IV.
Was previously...
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Revised...
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy, except during football season, at which time you should upon waking head straight to the nearest cantina, imbibe as many of whatever beverage is on special as your body will allow and spew the most vile obscenities imaginable at random intervals throughout the day before finally staggering home and passing out.
V.
Was previously...
Honour thy father and thy mother.
Revised
Ok, maybe "honour" is asking too much, but if you didn't blow our heads off with shotguns or chop us up into little bits that would be nice.
VI.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not kill.
Revised...
It is ok to kill things as long as they aren't cute and cuddly, unless it is a person, in which case it is not ok to kill them regardless of how fugly they may be. (Unless you are the US Government, in which case you can kill anything and anyone you like with a clear conscience.)
VII.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Revised...
Thou shalt not commit adultery, however hoes in different area codes, time zones and or countries/continents are exempt from this policy. One hoe per area code please.
VIII.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not steal.
Revised...
It is ok to steal, as long as it is from your employer, major corporations that "don't need your money" or the cable company.
IX.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
Revised...
Thou shalt not rat out thy neighbor for any extra curricular banging activities outside of the marital relationship nor speak to said neighbor's wife in regards to any lewd comments made at random females, thousands lost at the casino on that "business trip," ensuing drug and/or hooker activity or any other possibly incriminating activities that to this date I still have no recollection of. That's just not cool man.
X.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.
Revised...
You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me.
User Reviews
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2006-04-06 15:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-07 02:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a reflection on how society's values have changed, does no one else find it disturbing that so much deviation from the ten commandments have been made?
Furthermore, all this talk of christ and shit? This is not some christian bullshit right wing crap. This is the Covenant between G-D and his chosen people.
Shit on it as much as you want. I promise you that a man who lives by these morals is a better man than one who does not.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-07-06 19:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:57:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
One hoe per area code please
----
Snicker snicker
-------------------
It's not funny.... now I gotta let a hoe go!
*sobs*
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I rememeber where you stole this from I'll be back with a flurry of -2's.
As of right now I can't prove anything so...
+1
Submitted by akrofiild (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy, except during football season"
Why can't football be year-round?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for the seeming irrelevance of this link - I submitted this to Uberboard over a week ago when the "other" Revised Ten Commandments post was...uh....posted. Expect an equally irrelevant 4th of July link.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-07-06 11:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One hoe per area code please
----
Snicker snicker
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:52:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:45:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
file sharing isn't really stealing is it?
=============
No it's SHARING, and even baby Jeebus likes sharing
-------------
There's a chav with a crowbar that wants to "share" your car with the dodgy mechanics' shop down the road.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:45:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
file sharing isn't really stealing is it?
=============
No it's SHARING, and even baby Jeebus likes sharing
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, its been done.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
file sharing isn't really stealing is it?
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had my name on it
Back to the MRR with YOU!
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-07-06 10:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, great!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-06 09:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It actually made me giggle more than it made me smile.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-06-28 14:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reviewed this before, but it's still awesome
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tony, I respect the *idea* of God, I just don't respect man's interpretation of got nor do I respect the notion that God gives a shit whether or not I pay for my cable or cares how many women I stick my penis in or if I'm married to them or not. Do you realize that because of such archaic beliefs oral sex is ILLEGAL in my state? (NC) Who wants to live in a world without blowjobs?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A word of warning, if you feel like the little hairs on the back of your neck are standing up, hit the ground.
just trying to keep him from getting struck by lightening
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hA hA!
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is Fat Tony honestly trying to tell me that he is a god-fearing christian?
Did he not want to rape some fella in jail?
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-03-17 13:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's amazing. People fear and respect Karma.
Yet, God........ forget it.
REPENT!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-17 12:49:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, i am god and i say what goes around here. How dare you fucking try and......hah, actually #2 is pretty good.......yeah okay.....gone over these a few times......not bad for a person who has no clue how to handle the power of god.........yeah maybe it's time a few things changed you know? Maybe just like, 7 commandments and a few rules like "no chewing gum in the classroom".
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-17 12:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Revised...
You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me.
<shouts>
in the jungle! welcome to the jungle!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-17 12:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It is ok to steal, as long as it is from your employer, major corporations that "don't need your money" or the cable company.
-------------------------------------------------------
This one was pretty funny.
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've done about all of those except for the last one!
YEAH! I'm going to hell!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the 3rd one alone.
haha
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Which makes me wonder:
is heaven a jungle? And will I be welcome there?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-17 05:36:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not rating this because George Carlin already had this idea.
Sorry.
----------------
This is not the same as George Carlin's idea. His was a reduction of the 10 commandments down to like 3 or something.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-17 09:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-17 09:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-17 07:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the jungle...
Welcome to the Jungle...
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-17 07:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i likeie
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-17 05:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not rating this because George Carlin already had this idea.
Sorry.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-03-17 03:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty kickass, E. Haven't talked metal with you in a while. New Strapping Young Lad comes out next Tuesday to unleash a new level of insanity upon the world. And everyone here seems to think I look like Jesus (I posted a pic to use for the next Uber Directory). I don't see it, but it's kind of funny.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-17 03:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Arbitrary +2 because this post looks like a winner. Bracket 3 Envenom...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-17 02:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35405
Great minds think alike in all, but beat these stats!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-03-17 02:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And this:
I really don't give a shit who you pray to, as long as your religion involves bathing on a regular basis and doesn't involve crashing a plane into a well-known well-populated landmark.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-03-17 02:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for this:
Ok, maybe "honour" is asking too much, but if you didn't blow our heads off with shotguns or chop us up into little bits that would be nice.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I dropped my rifle and it accidentally gave you a minus two
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The title was hilarious enough, but the rest landed the +2.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I've broken all of these, which is why I dont go to confession.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62099
+1 linkwhore
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:04:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hounour"? "Neighbour"? You goddamned Brits and Aussies sure are breeding over there, aren't you, aren't you?
---------------------------------------------
Like rabbits mate.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Living vicariously through others makes for a pathetic and pointless existence, unless your vehicle for this is Playstation 2 or X-Box, in which case by all means carry on.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-17 01:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:01:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, if I wasn't going to hell before...
-----------------
They'll have us jobs as well diggers when we get there... My application's already in the mail.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's BUBBA Christ to you, buddy.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmhmm. Liked it, #10 especially.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for number 10
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha that was awesome
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan???
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
VI.
Was previously...
Thou shalt not kill.
Revised...
It is ok to kill things as long as they aren't cute and cuddly, unless it is a person, in which case it is not ok to kill them regardless of how fugly they may be unless it is an unborn child. (Unless you are the US Government, in which case you can kill anything and anyone you like with a clear conscience)
Submitted by Fiore (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You'd better be glad that "stupid" isn't fatal.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hounour"? "Neighbour"? You goddamned Brits and Aussies sure are breeding over there, aren't you, aren't you?
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-03-17 00:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, if I wasn't going to hell before...