Nukes, dreams, and my dog Jake. (451 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Parkinsuns (View user info) at 2005-03-18 03:08:00 EST
I've always remembered my dreams. From the scary to the pornographic; every minute of my dreams is depicted clear as day, and as real as a heart attack. Recent times have produced some of the longest and twisted of my existence thus far. With the risk of sounding bloggish - here's a sampling of what I experience nightly.
- My dog Jake, whom I've always regarded as somewhat smart, gains organizational abilities that surpass all the leaders of the world. Sorry Rudolf Hess, you're propaganda is left in the dust by a golden retriever.
Jake terrorizes my small home town, and gains control from the mayor in a ceremony of forfeit similar to that of Lee surrendering to even the War Between the States. Next he quickly takes over the state of New Jersey while the governor silently takes it in the ass (literally).
The rest of North America falls within the close of the year. Bush was a bit of a problem, but questions of a dog's right to free speech slows down executive action. Whilst debates on the subject take place in Congress, Jake captures control of world-wide media and launches e-mail bombs explaining his dream of world domination using the "numa-numa" kid as his mascot. People fall in love with the idea, and the majority of Americans submit to his rule.
Using complexities of international trade, Jake creates an underground influence in Europe to submit to his will. France gives up without a fight, and soon most of the western dominated culture as well. The invasion of England takes place, but Jake's new weapon of using soldiers (who are organized by breed of dog) with rocket packs wins the day.
Kangaroos take over Australia, who from a loose alliance with the dogs. The Aussie's dominate Asia within a week, simply because everyone underestimates the power of the Outback.
Africa remains untouched. No one cares.
My dog Jake dominates the world within three years, and installs a puppet kangaroo government in the east that bends to his every whim.
I am dubbed as the head of Education and Entertainment departments. All of what I profess is highly censored and must be approved by him personally, but I enact an effective system that the world is forced to accept.
Years of brainwashing under my ideals result in a world with people's knowledge limited to less than my own, and everyone has my strange sense of dry, sarcastical humor.
Attempts at longevity fail, and eventually Jake passes from this plane of existence. A power vacuum follows, and the bravest amongst men rise up from oppression and once again control the planet.
One night the world's leaders are having a blast getting drunk. Russia decides to play a prank on England, and sends a dud missile across the sky. England misunderstands the joke, and launches armed missiles back. Panic ensues, and nuclear weapons are activated. America sends their nukes randomly everywhere (because even in the post-Jake era, everyone hates America). Radiation poisons the planet, and everything dies.
Aliens observe the whole scenario, and their text books name Jake as the cause for the downfall of man-kind. The more informed of historians; however, know that my twisted sense of humor caused the practical-joke-gone-too-far.
- The moral of the story may seem like I've got some crazy dreams and more than likely clinically insane. If you thought this, you'd be wrong. The real moral is to treat your pets with dignity and respect. You never know when they are going to take over the world.
User Reviews
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-18 16:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jake thinks he's a cat. Or a bird. Or anything but a massively ginormous ball of fluff and shedding.
I'm buying him mc donalds for christmas.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:39:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, Jake looks the part.
"Kangaroos take over Australia, who from a loose alliance with the dogs. The Aussie's dominate Asia within a week, simply because everyone underestimates the power of the Outback."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - The great thing is Australian's live in perpetual fear (not really) of being invaded by Indonesia.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf....
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-03-18 05:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token, ain't got no God"
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:01:00 (#)
Ranking: -2
for -2 spamming peoples posts.
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Agreed. My own douche-baggery scares me sometimes.
I'm just going to assume that I shouldn't mix alcohol and uber from now on.
I don't really remember who I did it too, or why.
So for all who were affected by my moment of retardism; my apologies.
And of course you all can -2 me anytime...it's fun.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
for -2 spamming peoples posts.
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-18 03:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on,
let's smoke.
-- Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class
The Way We Was