On the Whorigin of Species (902 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.67 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-03-18 03:25:55 EST
This is a tale of the beginnings of evolution. More than a mere tale, it is the absolute truth, as far as we scientists can determine the absolute truth about this sort of thing, which is to say that it's an absinthe-induced guess. But we have backed up this guess with loads of evidence, dumptrucks full of evidence that we had shipped in from the field. Which field? I'm gonna say left field.
Science has long held the belief that Religion is the proverbial "black sheep" of the "family" in which there are three siblings: Science, Religion, and Denture Repair. (The beef with Religion stems mainly from the fact that "Science" rhymes with "Defiance," while "Religion" rhymes with "Pigeon." Yeah, I know. Pigeon.) Science, of course, claims for itself the role of "white sheep," while Denture Repair is "most likely to give the farmer an STD." But according to a recent study, the sexual deviance doesn't stop there. We now have reason to believe that, contrary to what the pigeons would have you believe, the earliest humanoid species was dominated by a certain chromosomal trait: the homosome.
Two weeks ago, during an archaeological dig in South Gonorrhea, Mardigrascar, one or more archaeologists uncovered the skeleton of a Homo Erectus engaged in sodomy. How do we know he was engaged in sodomy? There was a bone from another Homo Erectus in his mouth. But, you say, penises don't have bones in them! THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT MAKES THIS SO UNBELIEVABLE. I won't bore you with scientific explanations; no, I'll just give you the full sensational story, exactly as it will appear in next week's issue of Shocking Scientific Discoveries And Pictures Of Ugly People Weekly.
"On the Whorigin of Species"
Long ago, in the age of the dinosaurs, a week from last Thursday give or take a few million years, the first Homo Erectus' mother was giving him shit about his wardrobe.
"Why do you always pop the collarbone on that dead tiger you wear as a shirt? It looks gay."
"Mom! You're not supposed to say that, it's insensitive! Besides, it looks good this way. You want me to look my best, right?"
"I'm just saying, the only time you seem to give a fuss about your looks is when you go out on a hunt. There aren't any girls around to look good for!"
Homo Eric (for that was his short name) shook his head and ran a pinecomb through his hair. Pinecombs were his own invention: just take a pinecone and use it to groom yourself (the bar was a lot lower for inventions back then).
Little did Eric's mother know about his secret life. No, wait, Eric thought. Much does she know about my secret life. That's what she was just hinting at. Fuck.
But little did Eric know about his mother's secret life. Her deviance far outdeviated her son's homoerotic adventures. Compared with her, Homo Eric was a regular caveman (and by "cave," I mean some sort of sexual innuendo). Her repute would one day spread across all the tabloids known to man. She was the woman who would come to be know as the Whorigin of Species.
She had made an agreement with a man named Charles Gargok Darwin the Negative-6000th. He had seen the future through a large black obelisk (which his gay lover Sigmund insisted was a phallic symbol), and he had seen his own descendant hypothesize something called "natural selection" to explain something called "the vast number and variety of species." Of course, Gargok knew that he was dead wrong. There only were two species, after all: people and sheep. That's where Hetero Erica came in. Gargok hired her, on the pretense of having lots of money (which was easy to counterfeit back then, when money was just a certain type of dirt), to have sex with as many sheep as possible in an attempt to give birth to many varied, mutant species. All this to pre-emptively prove his descendant Charles right.
Hetero Erica, as much of a whore as her son, gladly did her part for science by doing several sheep's parts for science. She had sex with the black sheep and gave birth to a line of religious people. She had sex with the white sheep and gave birth to a family of scientists. Then she had sex with Denture Repair, and everything went to hell.
Denture Repair, of course, gave her a horrible STD, the Human Pandora Virus. Birds, lizards, fish, goats, salamanders, armadillos, Chevrolets probably, and countless other species began spewing out of her vagina. She was powerless to stop them. Gargok's wishes were coming true in spades.
Suddenly, the Almighty had seen all he could stand. His wrath began to rain down on the sinners with the consistency of clam chowder, fossilizing and preserving the remains of every promiscuous man and woman on the face of the earth, to say nothing of the sheep.
**
At this point in the story, you're probably wondering what this had to do with the Homo Erectus skeleton with the bone in its mouth. Well, it just so happened that at this precise moment, Homo Eric was giving a blow job to the first man who evolved a penis with a bone inside of it, giving him a constant erection. His name was Martin Viagra the 4th, and he was the last of his line until certain cloning experiments in the mid-90s.
What is the moral of this story? That oral sex and denture repair don't mix? Maybe. There are some things even science can't explain.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-20 07:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't this on the Uberboard once for like ten weeks?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-06-20 07:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This too made juices flow in directions that caused much mirth and festivity.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2005-03-31 16:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, funny. Pretty entertaining. Better than anything I ever wrote...
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-03-30 16:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-03-30 16:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-18 17:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - thanks, man. I think we do have a similar sense of humor, from what I've read.
Rad - thanks a lot. I think you and Death Metal Dude's string of reviews on my 'fuck wizards' post sort of conveyed that idea. I'm quite flattered.
Phuzzy, Teephphah, the rest of you - thanks for the encouragement.
Kaos-king - try saying it out loud, man. It really does.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
""Shocking Scientific Discoveries And Pictures Of Ugly People Weekly.""
Look Ma I made the cover!!!!!!!!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Religion" rhymes with "Pigeon.""
WHAT ! ! ! ! !
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-03-18 11:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, witty... in a junior high sort of way... but formulaic and not terribly creative...
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-18 11:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kosta (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:07:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
fag
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If I were a dinosaur, my name would be Fagasaurus Rex.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is totally plausible. It must be true!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
""Science" rhymes with "Defiance," while "Religion" rhymes with "Pigeon.""
"Pinecombs were his own invention: just take a pinecone and use it to groom yourself (the bar was a lot lower for inventions back then)."
"Gargok hired her, on the pretense of having lots of money (which was easy to counterfeit back then, when money was just a certain type of dirt)"
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These lines got me laughing. I think our sense of humor is similar...
...similar to a really funny person's sense of humor.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Kosta (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fag
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU DARE BLASPHEME DENTURE REPAIR?!!!!!!
PREPARE TO BE SMITED MIGHTILY!!!!!!
This was amazing. Just so you know.
Submitted by Duke_Prometheus_III (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homosome. Ahahaha, I'm using that.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you got the jump on this story.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har
Submitted by Imessedup (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in-credible. i never knew.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm laughing
Submitted by Jogging_Monkey (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Chevrolet probably" +2
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2005-03-18 07:49:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love science. No fool can prove
this account wrong because of the weight
of compellling evidence in the fossil records:
teeth, cocks, stuff like that
+2LIVE
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-03-18 07:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm, okay...
But, since I'm drunk and that made me laugh multiple times, you get a shiny +2. Go you.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-18 05:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uhhh....
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-18 05:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd believe that
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-18 05:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've told you that you are one of my favorite new authors here? Right?
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hells bells, roller. You really don't post enough, you know that?
So random, so awesome.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is good
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey thats a tale man.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-18 04:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but this has to be a 2
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-18 03:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.