An Uber Story - Troll Tales 1 - Bored at Work (844 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <itchy.is.Teephphah.you.dumbass.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-18 08:39:02 EST
Authors Note: This is the first chapter of a series I have been thinking about for quite a while now, and really intending to get started on for just as long. It just never seemed to work out. But I'm going to give it a go now, and see how it works out.
Because this is only the first chapter, you may not see where the real interest (to you) in the story is. So, I'm going to give you a little spoiler right now.
This story is about Ubersite. Specifically, I am going to attempt to tell a story about an Uber troll as he interacts with the REAL population of Uber. So, you may or may not be featured later on in the story. I already have a couple of main characters lined up, but they aren't in the story yet. With those main characters, I have sought (and received) their permission to use their names or likenesses in this story. For the rest of you, piss off. I'm going to use your name or likeness in any way I see fit, as the mood may strike me. (But I'll also take suggestions. If I like them, I may use them, but no promises.)
So, anyway, here's my attempt at writing banal pulp fiction.
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Troll Tales 1
Sidney McMahon hated his job. Well, he didn't mind the work. It was just the people he worked for that he could not stand. Every single one of them was an idiot. Every single one.
Every day that he walked into the office, it seemed that he was confronted with a pile of little pink Post-It Notes carefully stuck to his desk, directly in front of his computer monitor because some mouth-breather couldn't get Microsoft Word to print to the color printer, or because they couldn't remember how to do that one thing in Excel that they needed to do. He'd had to call a special meeting one day to make sure that everyone in the office understood that under no circumstances were they EVER to touch his monitor.
The fact that the partners in the accounting fim even let him call the meeting at all was a testament to their dependency on him. It was confirmation of how much they needed him, and confirmation that they knew it. At least, that's how Sidney saw it.
So, in spite of the fact that he hated the people he worked for, Sidney received immense satisfaction from knowing that he, an IT student at Frederick Community College, had the power to push people like them around. They had gone to school for years and years. They raked in money hand over fist, and yet he, wimpy little Sidney McMahon, could tell them when to jump, and how high to do it, and he could do it whenever he wanted to.
Because, for all those guys in their fancy suits might know about the tax code, they were still idiots, just like most people. For all their schooling and for all their impressive degrees, those morons could hardly turn their fucking computers ON without him.
The deference Sidney received from his employers was not something they initially wanted to give him, however. In the beginning, they had wanted to hire him only as a one-shot deal - set up the network, get it running, and then be gone with you.
Sidney was not satisfied with that though. He saw in the accountants a fairly easy to ride money train, one that he wanted to get on. Because of this, Sidney had had to make sure that the partners understood just how out of touch they were with the world of computers. He'd had to set the network up, and get them up and running so that they would be happy with his work. But he also wanted them to call him back for more work in the future (the office was just a few blocks away from his house, so it was too convenient a gig to let slip away). So he'd set the network up to come crashing down about two weeks later.
Luckily for Sidney, the partners did call him back when the system crashed, and he offered to fix it again free of charge. But he warned them that with the complicated software they required, any network they would use was going to need some fairly extensive monitoring to keep in running smoothly. The partners were a bit skeptical, but the catastrophic system failure a month before Tax Day last year had managed to convince them to bring Sidney on as an employee on an "as needed" basis. (The beauty of it was, Sidney was the one who was to define "as needed.")
So now, Sidney had the power to ruin them if he wanted, and they knew it. They had all learned how to do their work with pencils and paper back in the day (they were old, old men), but now even the oldest of them was utterly dependent on his PC. So, in a sense, Sidney held the keys to the kingdom. To quote that line from "The Lawnmower Man II," as Sidney liked to do, "He was God there."
His position as network administrator allowed Sidney to know everything that each and every person in that office was up to, both at work and in their daily lives, and Sidney enjoyed that immensely. He actually couldn't believe that they were all so open in their e-mail correspondence. Didn't they know that he was reading it all? Well, no, probably not. He must have forgotten to mention that part at his little meetings. Oh well, what they didn't know probably wouldn't hurt them, and besides, it was mildly entertaining for him.
And so Sidney loved the little voyeuristic games he could play with his pets in the office. The fact that they didn't know they were being watched made it even more exciting for him. Sometimes though, just watching got a little boring. When that happened, things needed to be done to increase the entertainment factor.
Once, Sidney had blocked all of the receptionist, Janine's, incoming e-mail, especially the one from her husband telling her that he would be home very late that night and that his cell phone wasn't working.
Even though they must have worked things out that night - late that night, (Brian, Janine's husband, wasn't coming home until after 11:30 according to the e-mail) - there was still quite a bit of tension in their messages to each other for the next couple days. Sidney thought that was fucking hilarious.
But despite such occasional distractions, for the most part, Sidney's job was a very boring one. He'd made sure that all of his pet idiots knew not to ever mess with the settings on their computers, and they did a fairly good job of following his orders. So nothing ever really went wrong at the office unless he had designed it to. If he didn't need the money so badly, he probably wouldn't even have to come into the office more than once a week, just to check in.
The fact was, though, that Sidney did need the money. Going to school, even just going to a local community college, cost money, so did his car, and so did his computer and the games he needed for it. Sidney lived with his mom, and she sure as hell didn't have the extra cash lying around to finance his lifestyle. She worked two separate waitress gigs just to keep the roof over their head and the water and electricity running. Sidney wished she didn't have to work so hard, but, he supposed, that's what she got for being stupid enough to let herself get knocked up and never trying to make anything of herself.
Sidney wasn't going to let that kind of thing happen to him, and that's why he needed the accountants. They had money. Lots of it. And so far, he had managed to convince them to give him some. But unfortunately, he hadn't been able to convince them to put him on salary. He still had to put in his time by the hour, and that meant Sidney had to spend a great deal of time just hanging around the office, pretending to be working on important things the accountants wouldn't understand.
This led to Sidney spending a lot of idle time puttering around on their network. Trouble was, there wasn't much to do on their network. Reading private e-mails was fun and all, as was going through the shopping lists, resumes or whatever else the people in the office were stupid enough to save to their hard drives, but the fun didn't last all that long. And that meant that more often than not, whenever he was at work, Sidney was bored.
Very bored.
Bored out of his mind, stuck at work, and with nothing to do as the hours ticked slowly away.
But one day, all of that changed, and it changed precisely because Sidney realized just how bored he was. After getting into a flame war on the Episode III spoiler forums at www.theforce.net (and getting himself banned in the process) Sidney, in a moment of uninspired desperation typed the words "www.boredatwork.com" into his internet browser.
"Holy shit!" He thought, as a web page loaded, "There's actually something there."
Sidney had expected one of those "register.com" place-holder pages, but he found something else entirely.
"What a SHITTY page-design." he thought, intending to leave the site without really checking it out and maybe try getting back into "Millenniumfalcon.com" to see if he could find any new pictures of Princess Amidala. But something stopped him. Even though he wasn't really meaning to read the links on the page, something about phrases like, "Nature, It's Fucked Up," or "Why Does It Burn When I Pee?" or "Superman Is a Dick" caught his eye.
Having nothing better to do, Sidney clicked on a few of these links, and to his surprise he found that they were really quite funny. They were so funny, in fact, that Sidney spent the rest of his afternoon checking out the links on "Bored at Work." This was great because not only was he actually having a good time, but whenever one of the partners of the firm walked by the library where his "office" was, they would see him peering intently at his computer screen. They always assumed that meant he was doing something important.
After checking out the attractions on "Bored at Work" for a while, Sidney began to notice that most of them directed him to a place called "Ubersite," and that this "Ubersite" was a rather unusual place indeed. Sidney noticed that it seemed unusual because it didn't seem to have a purpose. It didn't have a focus. It was, he realized, a website about nothing.
But also about everything, it turned out. It seemed that, the further Sidney looked into this "Ubersite" the more he began to notice that no matter what thought was going through his head, someone had posted something about it. Just looking at the home page he saw messages about hot chicks, he saw one about how those fuckers in Florida should just let that Shiavo bitch die (he'd heard about her on the radio, and thought all retards should be killed.), and a couple that appeared to be flame wars. The cool thing about those last two was that, judging from the time stamps, the flame wars had been going on for a while now, and so far, no moderators had stepped in. That was unheard of. Moderators were the bane of his existence. Those guys could never take a joke.
So the more he looked, the more Sidney thought that this "Ubersite" might just be the coolest thing he had found on the web in a long, long time. But Sidney wanted to be sure.
Sidney had noticed the search feature on the site almost immediately upon calling up the Ubersite home page. So now he needed to pull out his barometer. He needed to gauge just how cool this web-site was. Sidney knew what was cool. He just needed to make sure this web-site did too.
He typed the words, "Blink 182" into the search box.
The results were pretty impressive, at least 11 different posts had been written about Blink. It looked like this site might just be as cool as he thought. But when he clicked on one of the links, he found out just how wrong he was about that. It turned out, the link he had clicked on was written by somebody who actually hated Blink. "What the fuck?!" he actually said aloud, "who the hell hates Blink?!"
Sidney was pissed now, and he needed to do something about it. He had seen on the other messages that he had read so far, that people were able to comment about the messages posted on Ubersite as they read them. Good.
Sidney wasn't about to let this asshole get away with trashing Blink. No way. No how. So he quickly scanned the page, looking for a means to release his anger upon the dickhead who would say such things about his boys in Blink 182.
There it was! "Rate this item." Damn right he was going to rate that item. He was going to tear that fucker a new asshole. Whoever this "Tom Sorrell" was, he was going to get a taste of a little bit of "Blink-rage".
Clicking on the "rate this item" link, Sidney was taken to a sign-in screen. "Fuck." He thought. He hated message boards that made you sign up in order to leave a comment. It probably meant that he was going to be bombarded by e-mails selling him penis enlarger pumps now. But that was fine, he needed to defend Blink. Blink was worth the spam barrage, and he wouldn't be stopped by a few unsolicited e-mails, that's what hotmail and g-mail were for anyway.
But shit, now what? He had to come up with a screen name. He needed something tough, something menacing, something kind of scary, but with some credibility. He tried, "THEMASKEDMACABRE" but that one was already taken. He tried, "satansgotsyphilis" but that one was taken too. He really didn't want to resort to using his Halo 2 moniker; it was too good to waste on this one random asshole.
Come on, think. Come up with something. Anything. Just think of something cool.
But Sidney couldn't come up with anything cool enough. Blink's credibility was riding on this, so he resorted to using the closed thing to his real name that he had, he used his Halo 2 moniker.
And at that moment, "Vicious_Sid" was born on Ubersite.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-03-18 20:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good - MORE!!!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-18 18:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Spam, that is actually a HUGE compliment, because I guess that means the character I'm working on is "realistic."
Now, try to keep in mind the fact that you liked this story-line once . . . when Sid starts to go psycho, and get vicious.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-18 17:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
I was once unofficially promoted to 'IT guy' when working for a sales company when I was 18. whenever the system crashed (once a week) I spent a couple of hours in the server room on the phone to various helplines trying to fix the fucking thing and then walked out and took all of the credit.
not very intresting but a fond memory of mine nonetheless.
This post sums up the disdain I had for everybody I ever had to tell to "press Ctrl+Alt+Delete and then call me back" perfectly.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-03-18 14:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kept my interest.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey folks, if you don't like it, it is OKAY to say so.
If you think this first chapter is mind-numbingly boring, that's okay to say too (I'm inclinded to agree with you). I'm not particularly emotionally invested in this, so any tips, suggestions, ideas or complaints will all be appreciated (within reason).
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Badass -
I had been working on this for about two weeks, but I got stuck on it. Then, yesterday, two things happened that helped me get over my block. First, I got a nice e-mail from someone telling me that they liked my stuff, and second, I was captured by a number of co-workers who seemed to be of the impresion that I would not be adverse to going to the bar over lunch to celebrate St. Pat's. I don't know what gave them that idea, maybe it was the giant Irish flag hanging outside my office door, maybe it was the loud celtic music I had blaring from inside my office. We will probably never know. But to the bar we went.
When I got back to the office, filled with cheer and maybe a bit 'o the ol' blarney, I decided to "just do it." I tried to pick up where I left off, and even though this first chapter is a little bland, I'm submitting it to get the ball rolling.
Also, a special shout-out to Durae, for telling me, essentially, to get over myself and start working on this again. Thanks.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you chose writing something for Uber over getting more "work" done.
Good stuff man really good.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-18 10:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:36:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoyle shit this is good.
You know, like the cards.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looking good, keep it comming.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-18 09:21:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tales of youth...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:59:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HIghlighters taste like burning
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ah. Excellent.
Well done.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK THAT YOU FUCKING RACIST
JUST COZ I AM ENGLANDISH.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA sweet
I should call a meeting to explain that no one is to touch my monitor. Nah smacking people with a rolled up newspaper is more fun.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and I've already registered the name. So, neener, neener, neener.
Apollo - Sorry old chap, the story takes place in the States. While you may or may not appear on Uber in the story, no actual physical confrontations are planned. It is unfortunate, but it's a geographical reality.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh... trollz
Submitted by Vicious_Sid (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck this shit man. I'm being misrepresented.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude that is the ROXXORRRSSS!!!
(I must have missed the 'major character request' e-mail)
They were called trolls Thorpe.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dork.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The little bit about "not touching the monitor" may or may not have been Loki-inspired. I'm not telling.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I just got as far as the first line and burst out laughing.
on to read the rest now
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-18 08:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the pic...
What were they called again? They weren't actually called trolls were they? I think they might have been, but no... I've gone blank.
All that matters is that I've still got one, riding a skateboard.