Jessie vs. Guys. Bite me. (1087 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.81 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jessica A (View user info) at 2005-03-18 12:37:59 EST
I wrote this editorial on my aim profile. Just thought i'd put it on here.
Jessie vs. Guys (a must read for the guys)
more by popular demand, i guess people like reading my stories and crap so heres something to piss guys off. if you get pissed off though then i dont really care because that means you're not secure enough to take a little gender beating. And thats sad. But dont get me wrong guys, i love you.... sometimes.
screw boyfriends.screw guys. yeah, screw you assholes. "but jessie... not alll guys are assholes" shut up. yes they are. this is what i've noted about guys and these are their characteristics; the genetic makeup of a guy:
*Arrogant
*Conceited
*Selfish
*Uncompassionate
*Fickle
*Belittling
*Disrespectful
*Shallow
*Ruthless
*Unpredictable
*Liars
*Cheats
and most of all...
*Horny
Then there are the types that I really cant stand. If you are on this list, then I really am not going to take you seriously. I'll probably play you like I do all the other guys that I physically can handle but emotionaly cant stand. Here's the list:
Minute Men- Useless. Especially if they stop when you haven't started... I haven't even put my key in the ignition yet for crissakes. NO, I don't mean sex. I mean you haven't even got me going yet. Borrow some sperm, dammit.
Wacks (wannabe blacks)- I'm cool with you if you like rap, hey so do i... im cool with you if you dress in ice and lugz (i just wouldnt date you), but sorry.. if you talk and walk like one then you got to go. If you make me feel embarassed for you or if you're cheesy, if you talk about how you're destined to be a rap star, I will she-woman bitchslap you.
Intellectuals- Now before you piss your pants, let me explain. No, I don't like stupid guys. I just don't like when people act like they know everything. If you yelled "Moby Dick" instead of my name, I would not only stop whatever we were doing, but physically push you off of me and tell you to get the fuck out. None of that.
Sex Guys- I HATE guys who say stuff like "will you suck my cock?" and shit like that. Or "I wanna do you so bad" You won't get anywhere with me. I'll just laugh when I get you guys to do shit to me and i dont do anything back.
"Question" boys- Can you get anymore lame with your "Are you a virgin?" questions? For the record, YES I AM A VIRGIN... WOOOOOOOO! k? Thanks.
Tweakers- You're cool to laugh at, but no chance.
"Playas"- ummm. Have fun with your gonorrea and shit... and for the record, i personally dont think its cool to get lots of p*ssy, I think it means that you have low self esteem and you're not mature enough to just have a relationship and just do the same pussy. Shit is it that hard? Just hit the damn thing.
Disrespectfuls- When you play music that is singin about bitches and hoes around me that pisses me off, dumbass. I mean get a fucking BRAIN. A girl is with you and you play that crap? Treat your mom good too, i judge guys on how they treat their mothers because that's how they'll treat their girl.
Lowlifes- I like guys with a good amount of class. If you are sick and do bodily functions (you know what im talkin about)in front of me, there is NO way i'll ever be attracted to that. And you know this.
Mainstreamies- Hoooooo god. If you think you're badass cuz you listen to Nelly or Jay Z please, sit DOWN. I wouldnt make it a date or no date just cuz you listen to that but its just a mild annoyance when people listen to mainstream, basically anything the pop music industry vomits up. Like Avril Lavigne. If you like her.... wow.
Guys who use pickup lines- your pick up lines are so dumb that I don't know what to say back. Consequently, I feel dumb. Therefore i hate you.
Smartasses- it's ok once in a while but if i feel like you are belittling me then i'm going to get annoyed. I'm sure you would too if someone was constantly being passive aggressive, spewing nonsense and then saying just kidding. I hate passive aggressive people. I want to kick their ass.
Fattttties- hahahahhah fatty! just kidding (oooh i was just passive aggressive!*slaps self* i like a lotta meat on the bones more cushion for the pushin so start eatin those burgers guys! Buck teeth are hot too, specially if you got that headgear, man that's thexy. let's thyber.
pussies- if you cant handle hard alcohol, or if you act like a dumbass when you're high, thats kinda a turnoff. If you pussy out of a fight, then i feel sorry for you. Unless you're all about on drama, then that's cool. *cracks up*
welp, i just pretty much ruled out all guys. which was exactly my point. see, guys are just too complicated. Well i know you guys think girls are complicated. So i've made a list of MY personal translations. If you hear me say these you'll know what i really mean:
"wanna come over?"= i am really horny and i want to get busy.
"...........ok, i guess."= helll no!
"sure!"=HELL Yah!
"i'm busy tomoro, and after tomorow, and next week, pretty much all summer!"=get the hell away from me, freak.
"um...hi"= im pissed at you, so you better start apologizing for whatever you did.
"i have to get ready first"= im shaving my cho*cha. (that was a little humor there, i really do need to get ready, like do my hair and get all dressed up and crap.)
"im flattered"= i dont like you
*blush*"thanks"= awww.. brownie points! (usually followed by a compliment)
guy: your so hot
me: no im not!
translation: 1. keep complimenting me 2. i dont like you so i want you to STOP complimenting me, immediately... bastard.
"so what do you want to do?"= i know what iiiiiiii wanna do...
"wanna get drunk?"=lets find an excuse to get busy!
"you're soo funny!" or "you look sooo adorable in that picture"= i like you.
"i really, really like you"=i love you.
"where is this going?"= i dont come for free, hun. are we gonna go out or am i gonna get out.
"fuck you."=dont ever talk to me again.
well i am REALLY fuggin bored so im going to talk about mistakes guys have made with me... enjoy..
1. Giving me their credit card.
Travis (not his real name), you are a fool. I love you but your a fool. You gave me your credit card. Baha. Wow. And you told me to buy however much clothes I wanted with it. Were you on crack? Seriously. You were weren't you! Dammit "Travis!"... but i love you so much i didnt max it out. You're sweet but dont give girls your credit card! Big mistake!
2. Telling me he loves me when we just hooked up like 5 minutes ago. I'm not eveng oing to change DUSTINS name.. this guy was making out with me and goes "Jessie... i love you." and i started BUSTING UP laughing uncontrollably. He was like "what? I do?" I was like hahahhahahahha. Needless to say he got hte message.
3. Saying he killed someone
Yeah josh. You tell me you killed someone and expect me to like you. What kind of sickness is that? thats sick as fuck. You need to burn in hell for that.
4. Farting in front of me.
Picture this: a record is playing and you know how it stops when something dumb happens in the movies? That's how its like if you do that in front of me. Im like holdddd on a second. HOLD ON. That's sooo disgusting. I'm not a preppy priss or anything... thats just nasty.
5. Crying about something lame
i think its cute if a guy cries about his mom and stuff but not if you skin your knee thats faggish.
6. said he was bi
this usually follow with a look of disgust as i say bi bi! to that *homophobic remark* (lets piss off the world)
7. tweaked. thats pathetic.
8. been passive aggressive with me. I WILL take you seriously. I know that you're serious when you say you're kidding. That's just the passive-aggressive way. I feel bad for people who do that though.. it's really sad if you are too pussy to just come right out and say something and not take it back. If i dont like you i will say "i dont like you." its also funny when people get all shocked too, love to see the look on their faces.
so you think im a bitch now? I'm only one if you suck. If you're a good guy then we're cool. But i hate stupid people. If you're lame, dont talk to me. If you're all about drama, dont even LOOK at me. I'm ranting, i know, but this is fun. Now heres a list of guys i LIKE (being positive? naahHH!)
Jocks- you guys are hot. you have a hobby, you have a nice body, and if you're smart and sweet and buy me lots of stuff you're in. JK about the buying me stuff, but thats a plus!
funny guys- if you can make me laugh you're awesome. and im not a twit, if you dont say something funny im not going to laugh. simple as that. if you do though, even if you're not cute, you could maybe grow on me because I love to laugh!
NON-minute men- if you are good and nonselfish or sheisty with all that stuff, then thats right on. if you got a good personality then we might even have a relationship comin on. Otherwise i'm just hookin up with ya ;-) sorrrrrrrry.
Respectful guys-if you compliment me, are sweet to me, offer to buy me stuff, buy me teddy bears ( i looove you kyle!), and treat your mom good then i'll probably just be infatuated with you. My favorite type of guy.. humor? Ok you won me.
Welllll i am really bored. That was kinda fun though for me.
my hate list is gonna be pisssed...
good then maybe you'll stop trying to get serious with me because I dont want none of you! Hope i taught some people a lesson on what girls hate, because im sure im not the only one who cant stand that shit. But im one of the few who wont put up with it.
this was REALLY LONG... sorry if you didnt like it, but if you didnt then i'll call my grandma over and have her run you over with her electric shopping cart.... top speed, full of muffin mix!
User Reviews
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-03-20 03:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, you sound ghetto, bitch. Guys like that don't even have the audacity to approach me because they know not to. If guys like that are approaching you, it's cause they think they have a chance, and that says A LOT about you. Also, if you think all men are shit, then you've probably recently been dumped and are bitter. That my dear, is never sexy. AND, you sound like a shallow ass cunt, "If you buy me this... jocks are hot, blah, blah, blah." Ech. You disgust me.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-19 08:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy shit...
you're
a
fucking
slut.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-18 20:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-03-18 19:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
what is this, some kind of blog? what are you listening to? what mood are you in? im listening 2 blink 182 OMFG they are teh roxxorz!!!umpteentwelve!one!1
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-18 18:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-18 18:26:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:49:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.nomarriage.com/perfectguy.html
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Holy shit, the rest of that site is militant.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-18 18:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:49:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.nomarriage.com/perfectguy.html
----
Holy shit, the rest of that site is militant.
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 17:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:14:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:02:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rad (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:40:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you dumb bitch
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-03-18 17:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
One word
Stupid
I'm done.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
more by popular demand, i guess people like reading my stories and crap
--
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 179
# Hits: 3635
Average rating of all messages: -0.86
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:02:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:40:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you dumb bitch
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:40:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you dumb bitch
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i really think you really are a moron, really.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Way too long to read. Come back when you're not an alter.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for fooling me into thinking this was real.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:48:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
Alters are soooooo cool. And soooooo funny. They're bitchin'.
The funniest thing is its not even an alter.
I just changed the profile name
You're saying that there IS a "funniest thing"?
Huh. I must have missed it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're obviously at that age (16) where you think you know everything.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHH HA HA HA HA!!!!
34 Eggs is brilliant.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:49:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.nomarriage.com/perfectguy.html
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
Alters are soooooo cool. And soooooo funny. They're bitchin'.
The funniest thing is its not even an alter.
I just changed the profile name
Submitted by GiggityGiggityQuagmire (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"When you play music that is singin about bitches and hoes around me that pisses me off, dumbass. I mean get a fucking BRAIN. A girl is with you and you play that crap?"
You said that you like rap and that you don't care if somebody likes rap, but almost all rap is just music about bitches and hoes. So thats kind of hypocritical to say that you like rap, but that you don't want to hear any of it around a guy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you gave me something to laugh at: you.
*FART*
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
lolz nice one adam, figured you would work it out pretty quick.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This post/rant has been done before. Almost word for word verbatim.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Alters are soooooo cool. And soooooo funny. They're bitchin'.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry buddy, I didn't know it was you. +2!
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you dumb bitch
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-18 12:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Judging from how prissy you are, I'm assuming the pap smear your mom forced you to get was horrendously painful.