Awakening (403 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DamianD<damiand.at.fsmail.net> (View user info) at 2005-03-18 13:23:53 EST
I know my gramma, punctuation, spelling etc is messed up but i dont have a checker so please rate this for what i could be not what it is and i will get a checker before i release part 2.
In a deep forgotten crypt, in a long abandoned neighbourhood, a creature awakens from a slumber eternal to bring back to the world what once ran rampant across the globe and to resurrect a race that almost drank the world dry.
I have awakened at last. Ater 400 years of slumber my time has come to rise again and take the essence of life from these mortals that is so rightfully mine.
I leave my tomb which has been home or so long and travel towards the nearest town, but this is no town this is a place of monoliths a castle with no walls, full of towers without the defensive structures of ages past. I wonder the streets undisturbed, where are the flaming torches? Where are the pitch forks abd the villagers? But now i see. There are no more flaming torches and villagers. The world has vastly changed during the eons i have layed cold and forgotten. What has happened to my race? We where gods among these beasts who claim to be men. We where close to creating a paradise for our kind yet now i find the world has been turned upside down and it has been changed into a paradise for the beasts instead of the lords.
I keep on walking when i bump into a mere slip of a girl whos asks me 'looking for business?'.
'What sort of business is it you are referring to my dear child?' i ask in return not knowing quite what she means.
'fiver for a show, tenner for a blow. A score for more.'came her reply.
From this responce i figure she is a whore such as we had of old. The kind of person that has already sold her body to hear the tinkle of a few pieces of gold landing at her feet unaware that this time she is selling not just her body but her entire soul to eternal damnation and an eternity of undeath at my beck and call
'sure' I say. ' do you have anywhere we can go?'
'yeah, my place is just round the corner. Follow me' comes her responce'
I was feeling a bit weak at the time so i could not be too picky regarding breakfast. I follwed her for about 15 minutes before she stopped outside a home and said 'here it is'
She invited me inside of which i graciously accepted and followed her throught to the living room. 'What is it your after then?' She asks with a look of pure contempt and a hint of deperation on her face?'
'The works' I say. 'maybe, followed by a little breakfast?'.
'Cost extra for the whole night, hun.'
'That wont be a problem' Says I. ' I usually have breakfast around midnight anyway' I say to her with a twinkle in my eye and a sly smmile she takes for flirting.
I fllow her upstairs and she starts to get undressed. Just as she is beding down removing her unerwear and trying to be as sex as possible about it i make my move....
To be continued
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-18 20:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I was trying to figure out what your grandma had to do with punctuation...
Then I tried HARD to read this story.
Dude, it's bad. It's really bad.
Very cliche, very boring, very predictable, very... well, if you're ten or younger, "GOOD JOB!". If you're older than that, stick to watching TV.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Try taking a fucking english class.
How do you people get through life not knowing how to write?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-18 14:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know about this. There is a possibility of this going somewhere good, and you promised to use a spell checker next time. I'll give you a plus one for effort, but dear bloody Christ...
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-18 14:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
oh god please stop now.
See this? --> , It's a comma. You really really need to learn how to use one. Your entire post felt like one big, long, run-on sentence. That makes baby Jeebus's eyes bleed.
Remember that your story is being read in a mental "voice", and when it sounds like it is on amphetamines, we don't like it. At. All.
nice try, no cookie.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You may want to go into more detail if possible, add more meat. It was short, perhaps a little too short. I want to associate with the character or the ending doesn't really leave me with the 'Oh my God what's coming next feeling'.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 13:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is not bad but you really do need to use spell-check. Try writing your posts in Word, then spell-check, then copy and paste into the Submit window.
Nobody wants to read a post where half the words are spelled wrong and the grammar and syntax are messed up. It makes it way too hard to read.