Geezers Tried to Kidnap My Ass!!!! But I called Shenanigans!! (875 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-18 15:42:35 EST
I grew up in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. My class was on a field trip to see Downtown Philly, not all the good stuff, just the Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross' house if memory serves me correctly. That was more then enough for us as the attention span of a third grader is, at best, limited.
The day was gorgeous. The sky was clear; it was a perfect spring day. The popular girls were sporting their new jellies & Swatches and the boys were complimenting each other on their bad ass Michael Jackson jackets. I sit on the concrete in my Bo-Bo's, holy sweatpants, faded sweatshirt, basketball championship jacket & psycho pigtails. The kids that weren't in my class thought they could give me shit because I was a tiny and tiny equals weak. I had to cold cock a girl before that shit stopped, but that's another story.
One of the snotty girls approached my father and asked him he only makes me brush my hair on my birthday. I stare at her evilly before planting my Ked in her cootch.
My father reminds me how it's not nice to hit people. I tell him to not be so parsimonious and buy me my own soda. Yes I really used that word when I was seven, it was my favorite. I sat with my father as we ate our lunch. My father is a man of few words, so when I asked his permission to run off and play with my friends his response was the usual "Heh."
WooHoo!!!! That means yes.
I run off and join my friends for a game of hide and seek. Once again they play the version of the game that involves me hiding and no one coming to get me. Ahhh, good times. About fifteen minutes went by before I realized that no, I am not the 'End All- Be All' of hide & seek; those bastards aren't looking for me. Either that or hiding behind a seven hundred pound woman on a bench was the world's greatest hiding spot. I decide to head back in the hopes that the class, bus and father would not leave without me.
Walking through the grass I was approached by an elderly couple.
"Hey there sweetie, how are you?" the old man asks me.
I don't respond so the old woman chimes in.
"Hey there Peon honey how have you been?" she asked.
"I'm sorry.... do I know you?"
"I can't believe how much she's grown, look at her all grown up and ladylike?" she says as her husband nods in agreement.
In disbelief I look down at my tattered outfit and tiny non-growing stature when I realize that my name is on my jacket.
"Yes dear, we are friends of your mommy" the old woman says with a big shit-eating grin.
This is the moment that my bullshit alarm starts blaring in my head for several reasons. First of all, my parents are in their thirty's. Why would they have friends that are obviously older then my grandparents? Second, why does this old lady remind me of the witch in Snow White?
"Oh, you know my mom huh?" I reply seeing where this is going.
"Yes dear, she called us and asked us to pick you up" the old man chimes in.
Damn, I didn't realize my father was incapable of taking me home on the school bus. This may have been feasible since no one had cell phones back then, so it would make sense in an emergency to send a carrier pigeon, or an elderly couple.
I called Shenanigans and laid it all on the table.
"So your really friends with my mom?" I ask yet again, because it's amusing to me when people underestimate my intelligence this much.
They smile and nod.
"Well can you do me a favor?" I say with a wide good girl grin.
"Sure honey, anything" the evil witch replied.
"When you see my mom........... tell her I told you to go fuck yourself." Their mouths hit the floor as I skipped away.
And what is the moral of the story kids??
Old people who try to kidnap children are offended by bad language.
User Reviews
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-17 17:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-17 17:18:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had to cold cock a girl before that shit stopped"
eh?
-----------------
Uh? wha???
translation: I had to punch a bitch in the face and knock her on her ass before they stopped making fun of me for being tiny.
Better? hehe
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-17 17:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had to cold cock a girl before that shit stopped"
eh?
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-17 17:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH WHAT BITCHES!
I liked this.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-05-17 17:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 17:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Parsimonious, I had to look the damn thing up too! And I must love you because I'm reading all your posts and just saw your first one today. Oh yeah, nice tits!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-21 11:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
""So, this begs the question: How old are you? ""
That is something you will have to email me for. I don't want to give away my age, that would take some fun out of potential future posts.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-20 03:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, you can't be that old if you were seven when Michael Jackson was cool. What do you think I am, an infant? Though I do like candy, I'm all growed up.
So, this begs the question: How old are you? I'm only asking because you seem to think you're of advanced years yet I don't think you can be far past thirty (though i guess it depends what phase of michael jackson coolness was ocurring when you were in grade 3). I was a young lad when his stupid glittery glove was cool.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-19 20:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--You know, take the humorous slant out of your story, and that's a pretty fuckin' scary thing to happen...
That's why I told it exactly the way it happened. People need to know how important it is to teach their kids about strangers. I probably wouldn't be here now if mine hadn't.
Once I got home and didn't get my ass kicked by my mother for dropping the F-bomb on her friends I pretty much wanted to throw up. I described what they looked like and what they said..... she told me I have a crazy imagination.
--I think I'm in love with you. Or the seven-year old version of you anyway. Which if I'm not mistaken, makes me a pedophile. Shit.
Well, off to suck down a tank of carbon monoxide now.
HAHA you shouldn't speak to me that way..... I'm probably old enough to be your mother, and if I'm not then.... Can I get those digits???
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-19 19:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, take the humorous slant out of your story, and that's a pretty fuckin' scary thing to happen...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-19 19:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in love with you. Or the seven-year old version of you anyway. Which if I'm not mistaken, makes me a pedophile. Shit.
Well, off to suck down a tank of carbon monoxide now.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-19 13:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should've sucker punched those bidi's in the pie hole!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-19 10:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a exactly th same thing but when I was about 17 and the guy had a knife. I ran like a fucking bastard, no way was he getting a load up my ass.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-19 09:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-03-19 09:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm alone in my thoughts, but.. I found this rather hilarious.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-18 19:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Are things better now, in fourth grade?
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-18 16:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62155
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-18 16:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just love your stories. I thought I was the only one who thought and acted like a fully grown psychopath as a child. It's comforting to know that there are others like me.
Submitted by PrescriptionX (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice, I'm impressed that as a third grader you knew the word parsimonious, I had to look it up even now. Kudos on the save.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I have tourets. FUCK. BITCH. SHIT
Actually I just cant spell.
*Shenanigans
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like Shenganigans to me....
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-18 15:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And before anyone asks, yes this is a true story.