I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don't shut up. (1227 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.11 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tastycat <connor.at.tw-apparel.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-20 14:07:18 EST
I have never once in my entire life been asked nicely to leave the toilet seat in some specific position. It seems as if it is some sort of rule that women cannot simply request this of someone, they have to break into a song-like rant, spitting obscenities and shaking their finger at you. I by no means wish to clump ALL women into this group. I am not leaving out the possibility that only women I associate with have this problem. So basically, when I refer to "women" in this little rant, take it with a grain of salt. You know who you are....those women...
Recently, while watching "Bill Cosby Himself" with my girlfriend, I noted that during a joke he was doing, he said something about leaving the toilet lid down as being a bad thing. My girlfriend explained, while glaring at me, that leaving the lid and the seat down is just as bad if not worse than leaving both of them up. This is apparently due to the fact that when one has to pee, they plop down on the lid, cannot tell that it is down and begin to pee on the lid.
I have been told the exact same reason for all of this from every girl who has screamed at me for it and it has got to be one of the stupidest admissions that I have ever heard in my entire life.
"We don't always look before we sit down, and sometimes at night we don't even turn on the light."
This is a deficiency. This admission, made almost with pride, says two things to me:
1. I make unwarranted assumptions.
2. I am militantly unaware of my environment.
So as a male, apparently I am expected to make up for this deficiency by making sure that the lid is always left in the correct position. In the interest of not falling into the toilet and/or urinating on myself, I always make sure to look before I sit down. I find the concept of "not looking" interesting. How exactly does one not see the condition of the toilet before sitting on it? The only solutions I have been able to come up with on my own (since females seem uninterested or unable to tell me) are these:
1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.
One time, when I was about seven, my skinny little ass fell into the toilet because I had left the toilet seat and lid up. Having no girth to speak of I fell right in and dipped my bare hiney in the cold (yet thankfully clean) toilet water. This was not only embarrassing but uncomfortable as well. Since that day, I have never fallen into or even come close to falling into the toilet. Might I also remind everyone that men sit down, too. Personally in the comfort of my own home (where the toilet seat is relatively clean), I rather prefer sitting down due to the fact that it is plainly less taxing and requires no aiming or standing (not that aiming and standing are all that big a task, I am just lazy).
This rant isn't due to the fact that I am unwilling to help women with this admitted deficiency. Rather, I find it infuriating that because women are seemingly unable to check to make sure that the toilet seat is down, they take this anger out on me. It becomes my deficiency, I am less of a person because I cannot remember to put the seat down/lid up. I can understand the embarrassment of urinating on ones self and or falling into a toilet, but getting angry with someone else because you did something foolish is rather immature. In some Asiatic/Middle-eastern countries, they have unisex restrooms where they squat over holes in the ground and "wipe" by splashing water on themselves. I propose a compromise, you may keep complaining and we men shall suffer it for about 10 minutes before taking a hack saw and simply removing the source of debate. Problem solved, you must now "hover".
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AMEN
Submitted by boringwhiteboy (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women suck when it comes to this..they are all bitches
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, all these cries of plagarism, blah blah blah, but that post on that other site was Feb 2005. I realize that this one was later, but I am almost positive I saw this same post here on Uber like, I don't know, a year or so ago. I tried searching for it, but I can't find it. Weird.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the ass-splashing ritual!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57112
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-21 10:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ on a cross, people - All you have to do is give a link at the bottom! Then, no one will accuse you a plagiarism!
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-03-21 09:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<Might I also remind everyone that men sit down, too. Personally in the comfort of my own home (where the toilet seat is relatively clean), I rather prefer sitting down due to the fact that it is plainly less taxing and requires no aiming or standing>
I DO NOT sit to piss. My dick (average as it is) would bump the rim or dangle in the water. Especially if I have that inexplicable morning wood/piss hard-on. Or how about after sex. I am still half mast and need to go, I'd use the sink before I would sit.
Shitting, is quite another story.
Submitted by AndyD (user info) at 2005-03-21 06:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plagiarism rocks!!
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-03-21 06:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dirty whores have no class at all. The lid is there for hygene reasons and the should be left in the neutral position at all times, Ie both seat and lid closed. That way both parties have to select their required seat functionality.
Bitches who dont understand this are as dirty and classless as the assholes who piss on the seat.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:22:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.
This was so funny.
+2 for the author
-4 for you
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Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Rate the plagiarism not the author!!!!
Submitted by KingHFB (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you fail
...fail at life you fucking chime
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dick_Donkeysaber (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:12:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
DON'T RATE THIS STORY UP ITS PLAGIARISM: http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=407688 """
Not cool.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaahah
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-21 05:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:33:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
coming from a girl:
O my god, I fucking KNOW! Whenever some dumb bitch is whining to her boyfriend/husband about this I just want to smack her.
*SMACK* "Shut your face, cuntbag. You're giving this gender a bad name."
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Thats funny right there.
I would have given you a +2, but there seems to be a plagerism debate.
Until that is solved, it will only be a 0
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-03-21 02:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I take pride in my writing (even the stuff that wasn't so well liked) and I'm sure others do too. Using someone's elses hard work as your own is not cool.
side note- I would have given this a +2 if not for the circumstances.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-21 02:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by BugMeNot (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:24:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rate the post kids. You hadn't seen it before, don't be douches about it. It's funny and was brought to your attention.
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(hands in declaration of independence) Grade the PAPER professor, not the student!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-21 01:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dick_Donkeysaber (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:12:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
DON'T RATE THIS STORY UP ITS PLAGIARISM: http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=407688
-------------------------
You were just about to get a +2 too.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Submitted by BugMeNot (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rate the post kids. You hadn't seen it before, don't be douches about it. It's funny and was brought to your attention.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate you. I will always hate you. I will never like you. I am wishing cancer on you....right.......now.
Submitted by SPG (user info) at 2005-03-20 18:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How about we all leave the toilet seat down in the first place and men just learn to aim. Or learn to piss sitting down. It would make things easier, wouldn't you think?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-03-20 17:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hilarious. Whomever wrote it is a very, very funny person!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-03-20 17:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...prove it.
IM me on the screenname that the everything2 guy gave as his AIM name, and we'll call it even.
waiting... DJMattB241
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not actually plagiarism because I wrote it on everything2.com
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i was all set to +2...
thanks for the heads up on plaigarizing...
Submitted by Thirty_Four_Eggs (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.
This was so funny.
+2 for the author
-4 for you
Submitted by Dick_Donkeysaber (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
DON'T RATE THIS STORY UP ITS PLAGIARISM: http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=407688
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
oh, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
not cool
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even think about putting the seat down. It's an involuntary action, much like breathing and blinking. I thank the 4 sisters that I had to "share" a bathroom with growing up.
And they thank me for plastic wrapping the lid to the seat from time to time.
Submitted by Dick_Donkeysaber (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice plagiarism, assclown: http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=407688
Submitted by DamianD (user info) at 2005-03-20 15:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny because it is true
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I solved this problem with an ex of mine once and for all one time. After she gnawed on my ass for about 20 minutes about the toilet lid being up, I came up with a devious compromise: I told her we would alternate weeks. I'd put the lid down each time I used it one week and she'd put it back up each time she used it the next week. As you can imagine, this was totally unacceptable ("a completely stupid idea", I believe she called it) to her!
Yeah, I was just being an asshole, but there was no fault whatsoever in the logic there. I told her when she could find some reason other than "just because" for not accepting my compromise, I'd worry about the toilet lid. It was never mentioned again.
Submitted by PurpleTurkey (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
coming from a girl:
O my god, I fucking KNOW! Whenever some dumb bitch is whining to her boyfriend/husband about this I just want to smack her.
*SMACK* "Shut your face, cuntbag. You're giving this gender a bad name."
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that is some funny shit.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-03-20 14:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"taking a hack saw and simply removing the source of debate"
HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAA