Strangers in a Strange Land (691 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Teephphah (View user info) at 2005-03-21 15:14:00 EST
(The following was inspired by actual events.)
"How long have we been here?" Jenkins asked in a cautious whisper. He was trying to play it cool, trying to pretend that this was all just another drill, but I could hear the tension creeping into his voice as he asked.
"No idea, man." Bahnsen called back, "the ship's fucked. None of the computers or sensors are working, so I can't tell you when or how we got here. Hell, I can't even tell you where 'here' is! Last I remember, we were all getting ready to go into cryo-sleep for our trip to our new duty-station. But now we're here, and I can't tell you if we ever even made it to our destination. My best guess is that we've crash landed en route."
Since the Sarge had volunteered to go off with the Native scout twenty minutes ago, that left me in charge. The bastard shouldn't have gone. He should have hung back, so that the other guys would have someone to look up to, someone who knew better what to do. But Sarge did leave, so it was up to me now, and I couldn't let the men's morale continue to drop.
"Hey, well, at least we're all alright. Can't ask for more from a crash landing than to have everybody present and accounted for afterward, right?" I said, trying to help the guys look at the bright side. "Look, soon as Sarge gets back, we're gonna get the ship fixed up, get out of here, and get back on course. We'll be back in familiar territory in no time."
The men all muttered various forms of agreement, but none of them sounded very convinced that my words were true, and after several long minutes of uncomfortable silence, Nosworthy spoke up.
"Seriously though, what the fuck was that thing? I mean, it was fucking huge. They didn't mention anything about things like that at the academy. I can't believe Sarge went along with it. That was insane man; he's got cryo-madness or something. He shouldn't have left. He shouldn't have gone with that thing!"
"What would you have had him do, Nosworthy? I yelled. I couldn't let the fear take over my men, even if I happened to think he was right. "Would you have him stay here and do nothing? We need to find a way to fix this ship so that we can get the hell out of here. The five of us left here can't do shit right now. We need supplies. Sarge knew that. He weighed the risks and he made his choice. Now, I don't know what that thing was, and no, they didn't tell us anything about things like it at the academy, but they did train us to be ready for anything. We have been through some of the most intense training in the entire universe, and we are some ass-kicking, mother-fucking professionals now, right? So let's try to act like it."
Nosworthy started to say something else, but was struck mute by a sudden and violent change of air pressure. My ear-drums threatened to burst as a result and a deafening sucking sound could be heard just before a blinding light flared like a supernova from above our heads, streaking into our ship through the massive hole in the hull's wall. This was what it was like when the Natives came to visit - the light, the noise, the rapid and brutal atmospheric change. I could hear Jenkins snarl in pain as the light seared his eyes.
"Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, it's back!" he whimpered.
"Stow it, Jenkins!" I screamed, trying to infuse some order into the situation. "Maybe Sarge has come back! This could be our shot. Maybe we're getting out of here."
Bahnsen's position in the aft of the ship gave him some shade and lessened the blinding effect of the Native's light. From his spot, he would be able to see better than any of us what the creature was up to.
"Can you tell if it is the same one that Sarge went with?" I called back to Bahnsen.
"Nah, man," Bahnsen said. "I can't tell. It might be, but I can't be sure. What I can see though, is that Sarge ain't with him. He ain't got nothin' in his hands. Nothing except one of those weird talismans."
Damn. Where the hell was Sarge anyway? These Natives sure didn't seem hostile. Just the opposite in fact. The one who had taken Sarge with it seemed to almost hold him in awe. I wasn't worried about the Natives, but I did wish I knew what they were up to, and I sure as hell wished that Sarge would get his ass back here.
"Fuck it." I said, "We still need supplies. Williams. Keen. You guys are up. Go with this one. Find Sarge or find supplies. Do both if you can, but supplies come first. Then get your asses back here, you copy? Don't be heroes, just do your jobs."
"Yes Sir!" Williams and Keen shouted back at me.
Thank God for the bravery of some people.
Following orders to the letter, Williams and Keen wiggled themselves as best they could from the confines of their cryo-sleep chambers, trying to make themselves visible through the gaping hole in our crippled ship.
Something in their actions must have succeeded in gaining the attention of the Native, because after a brief pause the beast heaved a huge sigh and bent low, reaching its massive paw toward our craft. Williams and Keen did not so much as flinch as the monstrous hulk grabbed hold of their enviro-suits and hefted them through the roof of our once proud ship.
"You bastards better get back here quick!" I yelled after my men, "I'm starting to feel the draft you guys have been bitching about."
And then, William, Keen and the Native were gone. It wasn't as bad when the Natives disappeared as when they appeared. Instead of blinding light, the silent blackness returned, and instead of the violent atmospheric change that felt like your insides were going to be sucked out if it weren't for your enviro-suit, there was a much less disturbing increase of pressure.
In the dark again, I inwardly wondered if I had just sent those guys to their deaths. We knew nothing about these Natives other than soon after we woke up from cryo-sleep, one of them had been peering in at us through the hole in our ship. Initially the size of the thing terrified us all. Well, all of us except Sarge. Sarge told us to calm down and that he would handle the situation.
I was amazed that he could be so cool under pressure. I mean, the hole that had been ripped in the ship's hull was directly above his cryo-sleep chamber. Had I been in his place, I would have been too stuck wondering how close I had come to being sucked out into the void of space to deal with some giant ape-like creature looking down at me. But not Sarge, no sir. He stood up tall and at attention and presented himself to the Native.
"Take me to your leader." Sarge had yelled at the monster.
I guess the thing must have understood him, because it bent down and fished him out of the ship, making some sort of almost affectionate cooing noise as it did so. I don't know, maybe Sarge just has more faith in his enviro-suit than I do, but I don't think I'd have been able to do what he did.
Damn it. I just hope he comes back here soon. We need to get out of here. I think the guys were right. It really is getting even colder in here. Normally I don't mind the cold. Not even cryo-sleep cold. But this is starting to border on freezing.
But there wasn't any time to think about that. We needed to figure out what our next move was.
"Bahnsen!" I yelled, "Can you do ANYTHING to get our systems back online?"
"No-can-do, man" Bahnsen called back. "For starters, it is dark as hell in here. But even if I could see, it seems like whatever did that to our hull caused a lot more damage as well. We've got NO power, and that means that we have no ANYTHING until we can do something about that."
"Shit." I said. "I don't like the idea of having to wait until one of the others come back before we can do anything."
"Me neither," said Bahnsen, "but there's a potentially larger problem that we should probably be discussing."
"What's that?" I asked, "What could possibly be a bigger problem than the fact that our ship is totaled?"
"Well," said Bahnsen, "I, for one, seem to be completely unable to get myself out of my cryo-sleep chamber. I have a feeling you guys are in the same boat. No?"
Just then Jensen piped up.
"Yeah, I'm stuck too." He said miserably.
Sighing in agitation, I had to admit that I was stuck as well.
"I think we need to consider the possibility that we are completely and royally fucked," Bahnsen said.
I was about to say something about how we were soldiers, and about how we were not going to give up under any circumstances when the now familiar "sucking" feeling signifying the return of one of the Natives struck again.
Once again the blinding light from above burned my eyes and I called for Bahnsen to tell me what he could see.
"Oh shit man!" he said, and I could hear stark horror in his voice. "This time I know it's the same one. He's holding Williams' enviro-suit. But, shit man, swear to God, somehow . . . Williams ain't in it!"
My eyes were adjusting to the light now, and I could see that Bahnsen was telling me the truth. Standing in front of our ship, the giant Native held Williams' enviro-suit in his left paw and idly scratched his massive stomach before emitting a humongous belch that seemed to come from way down deep. It reeked of barley and hops . . . and death.
With an aire of wanton disregard for Williams, the behemoth lightly tossed Williams' enviro-suit into some sort of crater nearby. I hadn't noticed that crater before, but as I looked at it now, I could see with ever increasing horror that there were . . . other enviro-suits in there. Not just Williams' but suits from other regiments, from other branches of service.
Where the fuck WERE we? Some sort of cosmic tiger trap? Some black hole set up to suck in and consume soldiers? Sweet mother of all that is holy, how were we going to get out of here?
But I didn't have too much time to think about things like that, because before I knew it, the Native was reaching inside the ship again. This time he caught hold of me and Jenkens.
I heard Jenkens crying and screaming for the monster to put him down, but the beast was unmoved. In stead of releasing us, it shifted me and Jensen around in its grip. Holding us both in its gigantic left hand, it had me by my neck and was holding Jensen around the waist. Jensen was fighting with everything he had, but unfortunately that wasn't much.
The monster was making those strange cooing noises again as it pulled forth the talisman we had seen before. I didn't think I wanted to know what it was going to do with that thing. But I had no choice. I watched in horror as the Native placed the talisman gently on top of Jensen's enviro-helmet. As it did so, the crude design of the device became apparent to me. Oh God, it's nothing more than a simple lever . . . but in those hands, it could be powerful enough to . . . Oh no . . . .
Jensen screamed as his helmet was torn viciously from his enviro-suit. He kept right on screaming as the beast then lifted the suit to its fat and putrid looking lips and, so help me, POURED Jensen right out, and right down his throat.
That poor bastard. He wasn't a brave man, but he was a good soldier.
And so was I, I knew. I wasn't going to give up. I wasn't going to surrender, but if this was my time, so be it. When I signed up, I knew my life could be on the line and I'm not going to back down now. I promised to give my life for my brewery, and if that is what is necessary, that is what I will do.
But I'm not going to go out like Jensen did. I'm going to go out bravely.
And I'm going to make sure to give this big-ass son-of-a-bitch the hang-over to end all hang-overs.
SEMPER SATISFYING, MOTHERFUCKER!
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-13 16:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to be B@W
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-21 17:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought they were going to be boogers...sigh.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-03-21 16:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-21 16:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right.
And I suppose that next thing that you're going ot try to tell us is that Bud Light won the bud bowl.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be brave soldier
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me crave salt and vinegar Pringles.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MmmmMmmmmMmmmmmFat Tire.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty fucking hi-larious, dude.
I'd like to see your take on a 18-pack dropship, or maybe one of those 30-pack personnel carriers, the double decker ones...
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-21 15:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment