More Tales of New Bedlam: "You light up my life" (2093 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.96 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-22 10:24:55 EST
HA! And to think.. I was worried that once the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, the guy who sings me to sleep (with "Cuddle cuddle little whore/tomorrow night we'll fuck some more" to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - truly, a prince among men) arrived here, I would be too happy to pour out tale after sordid tale of "My life is a mess" to you fine people.
Oh folly!
Oh foolishness!
Oh ye of little faith!
Because when you're me (and I am) there is always some stupid thing you've done that's crying out for the Uber arial font. And if it's something you can take a picture of.. hot damn, it'd be a crime to hold back.
He has arrived. And life, for the most part, is all blissful and great. There are, however, a few possible future complications that might become factors after the intial "I really like it when you put that thing right there.. no there... oh god over a little more fucking yeah THERE" thrill wears off. (What? What are you snickering at? Oh you sick bastards.. we were having sex! Who rearranges furniture in this weather? Swear to fuck, I don't know why I bother with you people sometimes.)
And I don't want to fight with him over big things. Little things... hell yeah. Bring it the fuck on. We're both so in love with the sound of our own voices we can debate about what brand of fishfood to buy until the pet store owner is crying in the back room and all the other customers are just watching in total disbelief. But the big things.. it gets nasty. Well, I get nasty. He just goes quiet. Fights are best avoided. Arguments rock, but fights just give me this kinda throbbing headache right behind my left eye and the need to set his possessions on fire.
But, as always, my native genius came to the fore. I had a Plan.
So. We went shopping today. We agreed on almost everything.
"Do you like that picture?"
"It's great."
"Yeah, I love it too."
"That's no good then."
Shop assistants who'd been sure of a sale were left befuddled as we stormed out of store after store.
"What about that mirror?"
"It's perfect."
"Damn you, Dutchman!" (Yes, I actually call him that. His name has too many vowels and it takes me a minute to pronounce properly so it's no good for heated debates. I need to say it fast, I say it with racial epithets. Nothing gets his attention faster than "Cheesehead! Little help over here!")
We found our treasure in a lighting store.
It's the size of a basketball. It's the shape of a basketball. It's a bedside lamp and it's this sickly, swamplight green. It's like the crystal ball of a zombie shaman. It rocks my world.
"That! Right there! I want that!"
"No chance is that going my bedroom."
We'd found it.
We had a very satisfying debate over it this afternoon to replace the one we could have had over his leaving his entire culture to come here and me being a recreational psychotic (only at parties and in company - I can stop anytime, I swear) and the Boy being naughty and me finding it hellishly amusing to pluck out his leg hairs while he's asleep.
This thing is going to ensure a happy, wonderful marriage. Check it out.
The Green Glowing Ball of Love and Togetherness.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-18 23:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this wAAaw awesomene
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-18 23:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha, funny!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-04 10:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I only just found that out... I will continue to pronounce it surk until the day I die :)
--
This coming from the man who pronounces it Youbersite
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2005-06-09 20:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I squeeze out a couple a pups and marry a kooky foreigner, will I be just like Ser-sea?
Oh, and age, like thirty years?
Submitted by EmuParrotCock (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yes. I love you.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-06-09 00:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:29:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is the pronunciation: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?circe001.wav=Circe : Ser-sea
She turned Odysseus' men into pigs, then turned them back and fucked him a whole lot.
I chose the name because all the men I've dated thus far (present excluded) have turned into pigs shortly after we met.
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I can't believe I only just found that out... I will continue to pronounce it surk until the day I die :)
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Hah - me too.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And I don't want to fight with him over big things. Little things... hell yeah. Bring it the fuck on. We're both so in love with the sound of our own voices we can debate about what brand of fishfood to buy until the pet store owner is crying in the back room and all the other customers are just watching in total disbelief." --My girlfriend really liked that when i messaged it to her.
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-03-26 14:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could find some creative uses for that lamp...oh yes...two straps of leather on each side and a little bit of lockjaw. Solves the argueing.
Now, dont write anything anymore that makes me think of him naked.....please.
Happy to hear you two found your bliss :)
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-03-26 04:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Sphere of Awesome gets me excited.
You rule so hard it hurts.
Banga
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, Pock, a simple google search would have enlightened you just as well.
Just dont type gynecomastia in the search engine then hit "Images"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:29:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is the pronunciation: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?circe001.wav=Circe : Ser-sea
She turned Odysseus' men into pigs, then turned them back and fucked him a whole lot.
I chose the name because all the men I've dated thus far (present excluded) have turned into pigs shortly after we met.
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I can't believe I only just found that out... I will continue to pronounce it surk until the day I die :)
===================
I opened the link in winamp and pressed the repeat button.
I'm going to listen to it all night until I become insane with rage and murder people.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:29:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is the pronunciation: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?circe001.wav=Circe : Ser-sea
She turned Odysseus' men into pigs, then turned them back and fucked him a whole lot.
I chose the name because all the men I've dated thus far (present excluded) have turned into pigs shortly after we met.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe I only just found that out... I will continue to pronounce it surk until the day I die :)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 21:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-23 10:05:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were you, I'd get a black magic marker and write the word 'boogers' backwards all over it, so when you turned it on, boogers would splash all over your walls.
That would be awesome.
---------------------
Indeed
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I happened to run across that lamp, you would be the first person to come to mind
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is the pronunciation: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?circe001.wav=Circe : Ser-sea
She turned Odysseus' men into pigs, then turned them back and fucked him a whole lot.
I chose the name because all the men I've dated thus far (present excluded) have turned into pigs shortly after we met.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-24 16:28:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh they do too. I know how to pronounce it! You pronounce it "hot bitch".
Truly.
Or sur-see. Take your pick.
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??? I've heard it pronounced sur-say, but not sur-see... I always pronounced it surk. Circe put us straight please, what the hell does it even mean?
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-24 16:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh they do too. I know how to pronounce it! You pronounce it "hot bitch".
Truly.
Or sur-see. Take your pick.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-24 12:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy wow. You bought my goal in life.
Hey you do realise no one knows how to pronounce "circe" don't you? We debated it at Ubercon Derby and everything.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-23 10:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is gonna be a helluva union, that much I can tell...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-23 10:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were you, I'd get a black magic marker and write the word 'boogers' backwards all over it, so when you turned it on, boogers would splash all over your walls.
That would be awesome.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking ACE! You made beer spill out of my friends nose when I read this aloud to him.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-22 21:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:04:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
I bought a black light to run over both my husband's desktop and my son's laptop, I would advise you invest in one.
****************************************
What...the fuck? Let me see if I got that right: +1 on your message, check your computer for semen.
Well, good advice I guess...except I'll upgrade that to +2 on your message, check your computer for semen.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-03-22 21:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be going through the same thing in about 3 months.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-22 21:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More random insanity for me please!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-22 19:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Green Glowing Ball of Love and Togetherness?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-22 19:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:43:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to act out in real-life the story
you told in "The Color of Bitch", aren't you?
I confess to a horrible urge to draw a smiley
face on that thing with a fat black magic marker.
Oh that rules so hard.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really want one in pink.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:52:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like the plant manager of Chernobyl final found somewhere to hide his turd.
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That would mean theres more of these oh noooooooo maybe they could use them to run nuclear submarines.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to act out in real-life the story
you told in "The Color of Bitch", aren't you?
I confess to a horrible urge to draw a smiley
face on that thing with a fat black magic marker.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the Emerald Eye of Ekron!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like the plant manager of Chernobyl final found somewhere to hide his turd.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's a dinosaur egg
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the lamp! The doily, however, concerns me.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-22 12:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you place your mouth over it and puff out your cheeks it'll make them glow... uh...
What color does red and green make?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-03-22 12:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:39:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, when you have sex with that light on is it like a scene out of "Tommyknockers"?
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HaHa, awesome.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, what ever gets you off. I'm happy for you.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jebus, it hurts just looking at the damned picture.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a very similar lamp in my home office, except mine isn't green.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's so bad about it? I like it.
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I bought a black light to run over both my husband's desktop and my son's laptop, I would advise you invest in one.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It reminds me of that thing Arnold Schwarzenegger pulls out of his nose in Total Recall. And that, as far as I'm concerned, can only be a good thing.
One day I will own a cat named Colonel Pappersnapper. I thought you should know.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I likes...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:39:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, when you have sex with that light on is it like a scene out of "Tommyknockers"?
________
I don't know! I'm longing to find out but he's currently witholding sex because of the lamp. That, or he likes it when I beg. Dunno yet.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, I am no interior designer but damn nigga that is one ugly lamp.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, when you have sex with that light on is it like a scene out of "Tommyknockers"?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like a glowing-green crystal ball. I see a long and happy
life for the both of you. You deserve it tenfold.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't diss the Sphere of Awesomeness, apollo. I'll get cranky. The dutchman calls it "Demonic fucking instrument of the ignorant colonial peasant scum whore" but that's just because he loves me.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick-ass. Y'all can sit around it and pretend to be sorcerers or something.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-22 10:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only in Australia would that be considered acceptable.