There's a first time for everything. (712 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.18 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Josephine (View user info) at 2005-03-22 11:37:15 EST
I walked up the stairs warily. The thought of yet another social situation made me grumpy, but I put on a smile when Penny opened the door. She gushed over how great I looked, but I recognized her disdain for my usual lack of make-up.
She handed me a Mike's Hard. I took it and flipped off the cap, which read "DROUGHT," and set it on the floor next to my shoes. I waved to everyone, having met them all previously and not caring to chit-chat, and curled up in my usual chair. Half of the Mike's was gone before Penny forced her disgruntled and already buzzed boyfriend to entertain me. I quickly finished the bottle and snaked another away while Frank babbled about robots.
Eventually Frank's attention turned to some card game, and with my third Mike's I plopped into a corner and prayed everyone would stop noticing me. I could feel my inhibitions wavering. Of course I could sleep there; I didn't need to drive home like I always did. If I passed out, at least I wouldn't have to keep conversing.
I felt Penny's presence next to me, and sighed. Her petite frame was shaking under a load of four beers in the last hour. Here it came.
"You know, you should get out more. I see guys hitting on you all the time, I don't understand why you don't date more. You should get out more. Really."
When drunk, Penny was like a broken record.
"You should really get out more. I think I have someone I should set you up with. I don't understand why you don't date more."
I didn't bother Penny with my usual objections. Why was I expected to be like everyone else? So what if I turn down drunks who say I have nice [insert body parts here]? For once, I'd just like someone (even a drunk) to say I have a great wit or an impressive amount of movie trivia at my disposal. Just once! Maybe then I would get laid more than once per U.S. Presidential term.
I finally felt buzzed. That was it, tonight was the night. All of a sudden the years of resolve, spurred by a family full of alcoholics, faded. I jumped up, threw my fourth and final Mike's cap onto the floor and went to get a Smirnoff Ice. Frank asked me if I wanted a beer instead. I refrained from pointing out that if I wanted to drink rancid goat piss, I'd still be living in Wyoming.
When I came back, I noticed that my Mike's caps awkwardly stated "DROUGHT" "ER" "BECAUSE" "IN" on the floor. This made me smile. The Smirnoff was gone in a matter of minutes.
Finally, my social barrier broke and I started to talk to everyone. I had forgotten most of their names, and the Doritos I downed probably did nothing for my already doused breathe, but I imagined I was entertaining enough. The last thing I remembered was winning a poker hand, a game I'm only good at when plastered, apparently.
An unknown amount of hours later, the sun beat onto my eyelids through the living room window, and I woke with a start. My head was pounding, my mouth was dry, and every muscle in my body ached. I moved slightly, realizing I was on the couch in the fetal position, wrapped in a coat. I prayed it was my coat, as it was the only one I knew for certain was clean.
Wait, didn't we use my coat for something last night? My brain protested as I tried to remember.
I slowly forced my eyes to open. In a blurry focus I spotted Frank and Penny curled up on the floor in front of me. Frank was looking at me, his eyes bloodshot and a huge, purple bruise covering his left cheek.
"I'm never drinking again," he said for the fiftieth time in his life.
I forced myself to roll over into the couch, away from the light and away from Frank. I wrapped the mystery coat tightly around me and tried to think of something pleasant, like being sober.
User Reviews
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-24 10:03:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for providing the catalyst responce on my Darko thread. You have ingraciated yourself with me (for what it's worth).
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2005-03-22 18:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lover.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Alcohol is your friend.
Except of course when you drink too much of it.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is pretty well written. Why do you call them friends if they just annoy you?
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Thanks.
They only annoy me when they're drunk, which is not often. Plus, they buy me girl drinks, so I can't complain.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is pretty well written. Why do you call them friends if they just annoy you?
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i drink that crap for breakfast hangovers when there's a party at my house and some chick leaves them in the fridge. otherwise, it's bloddy mary all the way.
why can't people just get used to beer? it's the chapest everywhere and there's no need for mixers ever. best part? no sugar hangover.
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh. I can't stand people who drink that crap and are miserable, like you. You miserable, crap drinking ugly bitch. Eat a dick
Submitted by MJP (user info) at 2005-03-22 13:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm new too and it happened to me as well.
Lucky you for not stinking of puke.
+2. Next time, tell us about teh drunken saix.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-22 12:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:51:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Her petite frame was shaking under a load of four beers in the last hour."
dang, I was REALLY hoping there'd be some great Sapphic monkey love, but you're nothing but a tease - no wonder you get laid only every election cycle...
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You're right, I completely lack social/romantic skills, but that's the way it is, I guess.
Submitted by Heather (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks. It's simply the most pleasant thought when I'm hungover
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wait until March 24th... www.wanderingcaribou.com
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Her petite frame was shaking under a load of four beers in the last hour."
dang, I was REALLY hoping there'd be some great Sapphic monkey love, but you're nothing but a tease - no wonder you get laid only every election cycle...
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:41:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber.
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Thanks.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:43:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, But I disagree, being sober isn't pleasant...
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Thanks. It's simply the most pleasant thought when I'm hungover.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, But I disagree, being sober isn't pleasant...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-22 11:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber.