A story about poop, vomit, refrigerators and kittens...not necessarily in that order (930 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zandy1123 (View user info) at 2005-03-22 13:56:56 EST
The following TRUE story took place a little over a year ago - probably right around the same time as my "Crazy Bitch" series. I can't believe I haven't posted this story until now...it totally slipped my mind. Not this time, though!! Prepare yourself...
As many of you know, I am a musician. I have a serious dayjob as an engineer, but when my work day is done, my time is usually spent practicing, rehearsing, performing, masturba...I mean rehearsing. It's not uncommon for me to work from 8AM to 7PM and then attend a rehearsal in NYC until 3AM.
During the early winter of 2003/2004, I lived by myself in a small one bedroom. Actually, I wasn't totally alone - I had my two cats with me: Kitty and Maggie. Maggie was a youngster back then...only about 3 or 4 months old. He (yeah, I said he) was a real handful. He would always try to play with Kitty, pissing her off more and more everytime he tried. On more than one occassion, he jumped onto my lap, not realizing that I had a plate full of Chinese food sitting on top of my legs. He would get curious about places he had no business being...like the oven, the refigerator, or the microwave, for example.
With my crazy schedule, the cats were easy to take care of because...well...cats pretty much take care of themselves. All I needed to do was set them up with food and water and make sure their litter was relatively clean. Easy, right?
On one particular day, I returned home from a meeting and had only a few minutes to change, get myself together and head out to a gig. I loaded my bass gear into my car and ran upstairs to feed the cats. I got the food out of the refrigerator, dished it out, shut the fridge and went on my merry way. Same shit, different day.
I returned 8 hours later at 3AM, a little drunk and a lot tired. If I was going to make it to work the next day, I needed one thing: WATER. And a bagel cuz I was hungry.
I stumbled over to the fridge to get the Brita. I didn't notice Kitty sitting in front of the refrigerator - she must have been there since I walked in the door. So kicked (it was a loving kick) her out of the way and opened the refrigerator door.
"Brita...check!"
"Bagel...check!"
"Cream cheese...check!"
"Kitten...check! WHOA!"
There he was, Maggie, just chillin in the back of the fridge, behind my 12lb. stash of creamed cheeses! For 8 long hours, he just sat here, enduring frigid temperatures and possible suffocation. It's a good thing I had a shitty, leaky refrigerator, or else Maggie surely would have died.
But he didn't die, which was sweet...and I was tired, so I wasn't about to dwell on the idea that I was officially an animal-abuser. So, I went to bed...and Maggie slept next to me...awwwwww
The next morning, I woke in a haze. I thought about Maggie's near-death experience from a few hours ago and laughed it off, feeling truly lucky that he had made it out alive. I managed to peel myself out of bed and went to the kitchen to grab some Honey Bunches of Oats...I love HBO.
As I was pouring the milk into the bowl, I noticed something strange in my HBO. I looked closer...
CAT VOMIT!!!
Sliding down the back of the milk carton and into my bowl of HBO was an avalanche of cat vomit!!
Upon further inspection, I found cat vomit and cat shit all over the back of my refrigerator. It was EVERYWHERE. It had slid down the back wall, all the way into the produce drawers at the bottom. It had sprayed on the underside of the shelves! I swear, Maggie was aiming to cover every square inch he could...that little fucker. He even managed to get his shit INSIDE a loaf of bread that he had opened!!
I spent two hours cleaning that shit up...because I am Maggie's bitch.
And for your viewing pleasure........
User Reviews
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-07 09:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah the joy of reading old posts.
-Dave
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-06-15 17:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hairballs are gross
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Captain -
The Ritter is great! It really was a steal for $2250! Have you played a Ritter before? I would HIGHLY recommend you do...they're amazing, they're definitely not your average bass. In fact, I've had to spend some time working on my right hand technique to work with the bass. The action is just SO low and sensitive, that if you're a more powerful player (like me), you'll overpower the bass! I've really had to work on keeping my right hand attack compact and precise...you barely have to play to get a big sound, so it really compresses the physical dynamics of your right hand.
A Ric would be awesome!! After I get my vintage P, I'll be on the prowl for a Ric :)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-23 08:05:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You found a RITTER bass for sale for $2,250?!? Good freakin' Lord!
I must say, I am truly jealous, and happy, for you. EXCELLENT instrument choice. I've had my eyes on Ritters and Rickenbackers for some time now, but just need to *hack* cough up the dough.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-03-22 20:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny. be more careful of your maggie though
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-03-22 19:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice pic...my fucking word
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story but man was that picture Necessary? ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Basses:
Fender Jazz (American - 1997)
Ritter Classic 5 (check it out: http://www.ubersite.com/m/54316)
custom mid 1990's Warwick Fortress 4 string - it's custom because I defretted it, epoxied the fingerboard, installed vintage Fender P bass pickups
Michael Kelly Firefly 5 string - acoustic/electric - strung E A D G C with Tomastik-Infeld Acousticore strings (sweeeeet!)
Alembic Epic 5 string...I'm selling this one SOON to recoop some of the cost of the Ritter.
I've also got my eyes peeled for a vintage Fender P bass....
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-22 16:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, what kind of bass do you have? I play a Fender Jazz myself.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It would have been +2 if the cat had died.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-22 15:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Animals won't suffocate in the fridge... Trust me, I've tried. The fan continuously blows in fresh air through the compressor coils.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta love kittens...
I'm actually going to be in the market for another one, soon...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hit the escape key to continue.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have done without the picture!
Glad to see you are alive and well. We'll hang in NYC again soon.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:24:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey TL - I'm usually swamped with shit going on, but I'm down to hang whenever I'm free! Let me know next time you're in the neighborhood!
I think I'm going to be moving to the Bronx or Queens in the next month or two!
----
Awesome! Good for you! I think a bunch of us are going to come into the city
in a month or so. I'll let you know when.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Davros - not sure yet...it depends on just how boring work gets!! hehe
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey TL - I'm usually swamped with shit going on, but I'm down to hang whenever I'm free! Let me know next time you're in the neighborhood!
I think I'm going to be moving to the Bronx or Queens in the next month or two!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There I go, fucking shit up again. Sorry.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:05:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't really go wrong with THAT title.
--------------------------------------
Is this a permanent return or are you just on hiatus from your hyper-busy life?
-Dave
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One word, fourteen syllables.
Supercalafragilisticexpialadocious
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post Z-man.
When can we hang out again?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:21:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother of god.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad, Zandy. One time about 2 years ago I went out with some friends and ended up eating some acid and staying out all night.
I came home the next morning and I could hear my kitten Mary Jane meowing, and I *thought* I saw her running around my feet but I couldn't catch her.
My drug-addled brain finally figured out that the meowing was coming from my closet, where Mary had been trapped for almost 15 hours. She sneaked in there the night before when I wasn't looking and I shut the door on her.
I felt like the worst mommy ever. I almost called the ASPCA on myself.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold, you just described my life, except for the musician and engineer thing, HBO, kittens and bagels... damn good times...
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha - it was a total mistake!
I say it's the cat's fault for sneaking into the goddam fridge while I wasn't looking...
but yes, I totally deserved it :)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, you left your goddamn cat closed up in your freakin' fridge for 8 hours, man! You totally deserved it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't really go wrong with THAT title.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poop and kittens are, like, my 2 favorite things ever. I like fridges too. Vomit I could take or leave.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-22 14:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got news for you dude. I broke into your apt and shit in your fridge. The kitten was already there.