Pretzel Eating In Safety And Comfort (634 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.67 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kochierRWH(981) (View user info) at 2005-03-22 17:09:13 EST
A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid
======================================
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of "Mr Salty" Pretzels. Correctly used,
these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment, however, in
order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we do recommend that
the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
-------------
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of your
choice Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be
DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
-----------------------
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken
nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER AND
THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the surprisingly sharp
plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you SHOULD LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to smack
yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result in OBVIOUS
BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into the safe haven of
the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw
yourself into the safe haven of THE FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE
WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY
HELICOPTER as severe injury and embarrassment may result.
If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed to
step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is achieved.
STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
---------------------------------
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO WITHDRAW EYES
FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You may prefer to wait
until a commercial break or other interval in the action. You should also
ensure that you are not over-excited by the sporting events in progress
before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt to
select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely advanced manoeuvre
and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily complicate step 3 and
will almost certainly lead to brain injury, death and further embarrassment.
If you FAIL to secure a pretzel, open the finger and thumb, then close again
in a different position - although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is
secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel, drop pretzel,
lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye, smack head on
door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive meat skewers through
fleshy parts of upper arm. With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the
operation is nearly complete. However, you cannot afford to let your guard
down.
STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
-------------------------------------
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES FIXED ON
THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the pretzel DROP at this
point, you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS face - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils, hotline to
Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT OF THE
MOMENT
4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force pretzel in.
Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely encased in mouth
orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that mouth is open and that
pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small mirror may be helpful.
5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH. Failure to perform this
easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries. If you are in any
doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will probably be just visible
inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL CLEAR before step 4 commences. You
are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step is by far the
most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken. Inexperienced eaters of
pretzels may care to practice without pretzels in order to have confidence
in steps 1 to 3 before proceeding to the pretzel "fire fight" which is step
4.
STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
--------------------------
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20
ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOUT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR
INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE RESULTING FROM
FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting substance to
rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT LINGER AT THIS POINT
EITHER. All your concentration must now be brought to bear on guiding the
pretzel safely down the oesophagus, without inhaling and without passing out
due to lack of oxygen.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN
RE-COMMENCE BREATHING. Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1,
until bag is empty or belly is full.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
---------------------
1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating the bag.
2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the dogs.
3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR. Bag is upside down, or has been opened with
undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed
pretzel in eye instead of mouth
8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in ear
instead of mouth
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME - You have attempted
to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew pretzel thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS CLUTCHING
AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with nuclear alert. Go back
to watching television. NB: If you are not President of the United States
of America, the most powerful individual in the Western World and controller
of the World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to
rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
User Reviews
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-04-12 20:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Write your OWN motherfucking material god damnit, I'm sick of the plagiarism you fucking newbs bring here.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-22 18:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
With everyone afraid of being sued nowadays I predict such warnings to actually be somewhere on packets within my lifetime.
Although perhaps not this ghey.
Submitted by sixxforty (user info) at 2005-03-22 18:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 funny
-4 bush joke
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
please forward this to:
president.at.whitehouse.gov
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-03-22 17:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF?! I'M NOT READING ALL THAT!