Bill O'Reilly is comin'atchya like Falafelpatra (1006 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.38 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon (View user info) at 2005-03-23 00:32:09 EST
Bill O'Reilly is so hardcore that if he was in a competition against a giant alien dog then he would still win--even if the competition was about being a giant alien dog. This could possibly involve an awesome series of interviews on FOX News featuring Bill O'Reilly arguing against a giant dog, but sadly the chance is remote. The word I would use to describe Bill O'Reilly is magestic. I would also use the following words: kickass, sweet, powerful, and strong. If Bill O'Reilly was in a fight with Dan Rather then Dan Rather would die. I think everyone should know this important fact, because Dan Rather got fired.
The best thing about Bill O'Reilly is that he is never wrong. If a mugger tried to rob Bill O'Reilly then Bill would just say "Uh. Excuse me, 'Ludacris', but this is a 'no steal zone'." Ludacris is what Bill O'reilly calls everyone who breaks the law. Bill O'reilly ain't takin' that shit from y'all, he's a low down thug from the studios and yo ass best respect, he's looking out for you. Analysts were slow to understand this cryptic O'Reilly message, but finally decoded it as meaning "I will attack any female employee I see".
Bill O'Reilly lives in several mansions and all of them are beside the beach. This fact seemed convenient enough to make up and, continuing along its lines, I'd like to say that Bill O'Reilly once beat up a giant pelican. That pelican was a fucking liberal and its ass was on the line, luckily O'Reilly was there to put it out of its misery. If you try to bring your liberal shit against Bill O'Reilly then you should know he has the magical armor of impenetrable seashells. This armor will defeat everything because it was given to Bill by sexually-assaulted pelicans. I estimate this armor to make Bill about as strong as a level 65 wizard in a video game.
Arguing with Bill O'Reilly is like being really, really fat. It means God doesn't want you anymore. If you disagree wtih Bill O'Reilly then I will kill you by Tuesday. You have no respect for the social order of things. I intend to modify Plato's social theory of Philosopher Kings into a glorious new regime of Talk Show Kings, led by Bill O'Reilly and Greta Van Sustren. Greta van Sustran is hot, fast, and strong. Several parts about her are believed to be magic. Greta van Sustren can find out which parts are magic over dinner with Dr. Me van Me. If Greta van Sustran was my rich, older wife then I could do anything I want. Kickass.
Bill O'Reilly earns about a billion dollars a year but seriously guys is that enough? We need to be recognizing Bill more for who he is and that requires at least 58 billion dollars. Bill O'Reilly requires chicks, leopards, and ownership of Chicago. I just made that list up but I know if I were Bill then I would need all those things. I would also like a giant house made out of shark aquariums so if I had an enemy I could just take them to the shark house and say "yeah man its cool and funny hey lets hang out" then I would take a gun and shoot the ceiling and run out of the room. Then the glass would crack and sharks would fall down and eat him. Rumors that I could more easily just live in a normal house and shoot the enemy with the gun have proven annoying and stupid.
Bill O'Reilly successfully realizes that anyone who disagrees with George Bush is a member of Al Qaeda. The world would be a much simpler place if everyone accepted their national ID card and realized that Bill O'Reilly is the Stunning World-Emperor of the Universe. When Bill O'Reilly dies he will become the Hypersonic Ultra-Saint of Interstellar Religious O'Reillyism. This position is somewhat equivalent to the Christian rank of "God", except about ten times better. Bill O'Reilly is as strong and gigantic as a motorcycle.
I have been considering a despotic regime of the O'Reilly for a while now and I think it is a great idea. Some possible new laws in an O-Reillyfied society include talking with a really alarming cadence, being awesome, and sexually harassing attractive female employees. All of these things will be compulsory. If you don't like it then we will design an Alan Colmes world for you in Eastern Europe. I'm sure you will enjoy your eternal punishment as a Romanian turnip farmer.
10/10 heteros would rather fuck Bill O'Reilly than Alan Colmes if forced to choose:
User Reviews
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-03-23 04:17:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
Get real, Bill O'Reilly is a prissy old fag!
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Can you believe this guy?
Bill orily is low in polyunsaturates, high in never wrong juices
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bill O'Reilly is as strong and gigantic as a motorcycle."
your similes are breathtaking
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-23 09:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bill O'Reilly is a diseased choad, but this was funny.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-23 09:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-23 08:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-03-23 04:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Get real, Bill O'Reilly is a prissy old fag!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-23 04:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"rape smile"
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-23 01:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-07-05 00:11:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
#6... There's not "ENTER" key on the clitoris.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only read the first line.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
holy shit this was stupid. please tell you me you got rejected on all college applications...
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha. Nice.
Except for magestic.
You write exactly the same as Captain Foamy who I personally think is the greatest ever.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the colmes pic is hilarious
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're in love, huh? Come on. Its not such a bad thing.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give you a thousand +2s for the Alan Colmes pic.
Good to have you back EB.