Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk (1229 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-23 13:55:56 EST
"Please baby...no. Don't do it."
The words rolled off of my lips as I was hurled towards the trash can. My former lover was already looking away before I hit the rim of the can and bounced off. With my lip downwards, the little bit of milk that was left inside of my slowly rolled up my insides and came out, as if I were crying.
You looked at me with disdain and a sigh, and left the room, only to return a few seconds later with a paper towel and a gait of a person who has better things to do.
"Is she your new lover?" I shout up to you, but you don't even hear. You're too busy wiping up my tears to notice me. Sure, you solved the spill. But you didn't fix the leak. You then pick me up with the paper towel and throw us both away.
Well, at least you didn't settle for a paper towel. Sure, they're good for a rebound, but so soon? I couldn't have dealt with that.
As I sat there in the darkness, mashed between what appeared to be a moldy loaf of bread and the aforementioned paper towel, I thought about the times that you and I had shared together.
Was it a girly thing to do? Of course it was. I knew that I could never have you back and at that point, I didn't really want you. Someone that just throws away a former lover like me can't be good for me.
We sure did start out great though. Me, with my full gallon of milk inside. And you, with your empty stomach and plate full of cookies. We were a couple for the ages. For hours, we sat, talked, and just watched TV.
I always thought how it was cute when you first started pouring me out into a glass. But once, just as a lark, you looked around your house to see if your mother was looking. Then, when the coast had cleared, you took a big swig right from the carton.
That got me so hot that you nearly spoiled my creamy insides.
But what did that matter now? Now that you had your precious milk, you didn't need to keep the carton.
Wait...
No...
That couldn't be it, could it?
Don't you EVEN tell me that you were just using me. Using me just for my milk? How atrocious. How despicable. I thought you were different from all the other men. I thought that we really connected, you and me.
But now I see what kind of a man you are.
"Fuck you, men!" I screamed while in the trash. It was the middle of the night, so I inadvertently woke many of the other inhabitants of the trash can. I was met with displeasing threats, and ironically, was pelted with lesser trash such as baked bean cans and a plethora of EPT tests.
"Amen sister. Fuck men. Never did nothin' for nobody, never," said the paper towel that contained my evaporating tears.
"I'll overlook the fact that you're sentance use a quadruple negative," I said, attempting to assert my superiority to the paper towel.
"Very well," the towel said. "And in the same vein, I will ignore the fact that a simpleton such as yourself doesn't know the difference between you're/your and sentence/sentance," said the paper towel in a huff.
Before I could ask her how the hell she read what I had said, she held out a corner and introduced herself to me.
"Hello. My name is Square #356281. Pleasure to meet you."
"Oh, what a lovely name. I'm Carton #6008136."
"Charmed, I'm sure," said the paper towel, rudely imitating high class.
Then came the awkward pause. You know the one. Where two people who don't like each other have been formally introduced and are plotting ways to kill the other one without having anyone know? Yeah, that pause.
"So, why do you hate men so much?" asked the paper towel.
"It's a long story," I said and started to turn away from her to see what the moldy bag of bread was up to. I mean, mold is exciting. Right?
"Yeah...it usually is with men. That's why I swore them off altogether," said the paper towel, sucking me back into her conversation.
"Is that so?" I asked without caring.
"Yeah...I...bat for the other team now," hinted the paper towel.
"Is that so...?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Sure is. You know, we're stuck inside this bag together for tonight at least and maybe a lot longer than that. Why not...pass the time and indulge in a bit of Sapphic erotica to pass the time, eh?"
The paper towel winked at me somehow and inched closer.
"I don't know..." I stammered. "I think the moldy bread is still awake. Look, is that an eye opening?"
"Shush you. That's just another mold spot blossoming. It's beautiful, actually."
As I turned to look at the "blossoming mold spot," the paper towel ran herself along my upper rim. I quickly turned back to see the paper towel acting modest.
"Oh, you get me so wet," said the paper towel, forcing me to view where her quilted ruffles had picked up tiny milk drops from around my rim. "Stop baby, you're just making it worse," she said as the wetness spread.
"Shut up," I said. "That's just your superior absorbency. Don't take me for a common fool."
"I'll take you a lot of places, dear," said the paper towel as she crept closer once more. I thought, maybe a few hours with a paper towel wouldn't be so bad. I had heard stories of worse things happening in the supermarket whence I came.
So I leaned in close to the paper towel, catching a glimpse of surprise on her face as I actually moved in to submit.
Just then, the bag was lifted out of the air and swung to and fro. We were jostled. We were hassled. I tasted the mold, somehow. Not entirely unpleasant, with a hint of rosemary.
At the end of our bouncy and uneventful journey, I was at one end of the bag and the paper towel was at the other. She cried out for me as an old lover would, but there was too much trash separating us. She tried to weasel her way through to me, but the moldy bread impeded her at every turn.
Just then, a noise above us, inside us, all around us began. It was a whirring of sorts that shook me to my core. I peered around to see what I could see. But still, just the outstretched corner of the paper towel was all that I could focus on. I stretched my handle out as far as I could, but it made no difference.
Then suddenly, as if our love was in control of the universe around us, we were slowly being squished together.
"Oh no," screamed a can of beans to my right. "trash compacter!"
The other trash ran and screamed for their lives in vain. The paper towel didn't have to worry, of course, because paper cannot be compacted very much. But me, without my precious payload of milk inside, was nothing more than an empty container full of air. Indeed, a carton that could be compacted easily.
So the paper towel and me moved ever-so-close together so that our lips were almost touching, but not quite.
Then, with a final push or perhaps a shift from the other inhabitants, space opened up and our lips met. The jostling all around us only made the kiss more passionate, more intense.
And as the last of the space was squeezed out of me, and my lips were torn away from the paper towel's, I took comfort in knowing that at least I had died with somebody that loved me for who I was, and not the sweet, sweet nectar inside of me.
User Reviews
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-18 17:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-18 17:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2005-03-24 11:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-23 18:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a good read Nurf.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-23 17:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff like this is the only reason I still check back on this site from time to time.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post...
And speaking of milk...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/62567
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed that, but I think it could have been better.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocked.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-03-23 16:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:23:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the grammer conflict between the paper towel and milk carton.
================================================================================
That part had me laughing. I was disappointed at first, I thought the rest had been written so well and to have bad grammar usage in the middle. Then the exchange between the cahracters!
BRILLIANT!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
I agree with 1.21; Uber needs more stuff like this, daily.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chris, would you be interested in helping write a pilot episode for a flash animation?
I have a really good concept for an adult focused cartoon, but am having trouble bringing the characters to life. I think your spark just might be what the project needs.
What do you think?
Drop me an e-mail
djbabysmooth.at.hotmail.com
if you know anyone who is good at flash animation, that would help out big time, too.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, this is fucking awesome. Uber has sucked as of late beside shit like this.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. i got served.
But would you have done it without me making a comment? No.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:01:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:00:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome...
Happy DOTWC
------------------------
day of the wandering caribou?
-----------
genius at work... celebrations start for me in 30 minutes, I'll be drunk as a skunk in a bunk by 430pm. plus I have a 5 day weekend coming...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:00:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome...
Happy DOTWC
------------------------
day of the wandering caribou?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-23 15:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome...
Happy DOTWC
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there once was a freak named nerf
who hurt my ass with his girth
i turned around to shout
that he needs to pull out
tis odd cuz he's hung like a smurf
that's the best I can do for now. I am currently having a sugar low.
let me have some m&m's then I shall be back in full swing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:24:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you, munkey? Yes.
But will your lazy ass do it? No.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the grammer conflict between the paper towel and milk carton.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weird, man... just weird.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nerfy rhymes with smurfy
i wonder if i can make a limmerick with that.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll cry over whatever i want
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very creative.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick so much as it's ridiculous.
I love your writing. PR.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really strange, but it's obvious that a lot of thought went into it.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Booya
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-23 14:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's you!