Living... with Children, Part 2: Adventures in Poo (1026 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.86 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Val (View user info) at 2005-03-23 22:57:30 EST
Okay. It's been a month now. I thought I'd be suicidal at this point, but I'm actually fairing pretty damned well.
You always have to be on your toes when you're around kids. You never know when they spilled juice on the floor and didn't tell you, or when they hid pretzles under the couch and didn't tell you, and the only reason you found out about it was the insanely massive barrage of ants and miscellaneous insects all over your goddamned floor. You never know when someone at their crazily overpriced scool has some horrible bacterial infection in their throat. That is, not until you yourself get it, and THEN get the phone call saying that 1/2 the kindergarten class is out with it.
Children are stinky.
Children are messy.
Children are carriers.
Nicos, the 3 year old, proudly takes shits all by himself. I did not know, however, that he does not yet know how to properly "take care of all that" without smearing poo all over himself, the seat, the walls, the flusher, the sink, the doorknob, and the light switch.
I didn't know.
So when he came trotting proudly over to me a few days ago screaming "AUNT VOWEE! KAKA!" I cheered the typical, "Good JOB, bud!" and high fived him.
Big mistake. I realize now, that I should be thankful for all the strange diseases I haven't gotten yet, from allllllll the high fives I've given him after he takes a crap.
Like I said, I just didn't know.
So he pulls himself onto the couch, sitting right next to me while singing the Map Song (I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAP!") and sits on my lap, wriggling around to get comfortable. It was at this touching moment that I began to wonder if ALL normal people smell of poo after they crap. Do I? Do you? Does the smell just linger after you take a potentially fatal poop? I wondered this aloud.
"Nico... did you wash your hands?"
A proud smile.
I relaxed.
"Nooooooooo."
"No?"
"Nope!"
He got up and began to dance around.
"Hey buddy, did you, uh.. you know. Wipe?"
"Nope!"
Inner instinct to recoil in horror and projectile vomit rising....rising...
I quickly picked him up by his shirt and rushed him into the bathroom. I took a deep breath.
I'll spare you the nauseating details...except to say that there was shit EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU! It could have been a Dr. Seuss book.
It was everywhere! It was in his hair!
It was on the seat!
It was on his feet!
It was on the floor!
It was on the door!
And so on, and so on.
My tubes tie a little bit more each day of living here.
Although I have to say, no matter how smelly or gross, or incredibly dirty they get, it's all forgotten after I read them their bedtime stories and tuck them in. Every night as I leave the room, one by one they call out I love you. And that, on a completely serious note, is probably one of the most awesome things I will ever hear.
It's right up there with "I found a babysitter" and "I wipe my own ass."
User Reviews
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2006-03-19 02:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so today at work i saw this old lady in the bathroom fixing the 2 hairs on her head in the mirror, and the whole bathroom stank of crap. then 15 minutes later i walked by her in hardware, and she still reeked of shit.
just so you know.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-03-27 23:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My niece has begun shitting all by herself now if the other one starts catching on I'll be in heaven. Until then I'm going to be knee deep in baby shits.
On a side note the ten month old puked on the whole family right before easter mass and right after they had all gotten dressed. She has good aim for a little shit she got some in her daddies mouth.
Submitted by JoisyGirl (user info) at 2005-03-25 12:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The truth is, she isn't lying either... at LEAST he was wearing his boxers when he wiggled on your lap...
ugh... better you than me
"Aunt Vawaweeeeee"
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ass-wiping is an acquired skill that takes time and practice to learn.
Hopefully, he'll start catching on soon.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-25 08:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You a poopreporter?
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-24 23:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post makes me want to have a vasectomy.
...and fuck you.
...after you shower.
...actually the wanting to fuck you part was there before this post.
...but still shower.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-24 16:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-24 12:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
part 1 can be found here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61690
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-24 10:40:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poop
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-24 10:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It could have been a Dr. Seuss book.
It was everywhere! It was in his hair!
It was on the seat!
It was on his feet!
It was on the floor!
It was on the door!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-24 09:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty funny
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-24 09:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar experience with my little sister when she was about 2 (there are 16 years between us in age). There was actually poo on the bathroom ceiling.
I'm saving the story for when she brings her first boyfriend home to meet the family.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I traded mine for two packs of Camels, a goldfish, and a tank of gas!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I will not do you until YOU wash up, now.
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-24 06:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus two for poo.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd totally make kids with you.
I wouldn't stick around to raise them, though. Sorry 'bout that in advance.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-03-24 02:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<pukes on self>
Thanks, Val. Just the imagery I needed while halfway through eating a banana.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-24 02:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha @ dr seuss
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-24 02:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See this is why I hate kids. People think I'm a monster....but this is why.
Thank you.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you and UrbaneMischeif the same person?
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You get to go to the bonus round, due to the picture at the end.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2005-03-23 23:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can wipe my ass.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-23 23:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Gawd Val you have bought back some horrible memories but i giggled like a lunatic remembering them. Thank you, I think.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-03-23 23:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
POOPIE!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-23 23:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-23 22:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.