I Stole The Identity of An Ejaculating Janitor (1192 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.63 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-03-24 00:13:44 EST
Monday. My first day back from Spring Break.
I wake up after about 5 hours of sleep at 6:45 AM to get ready for my weight training class. Despite the fact that I am about to get sweaty in less than an hour, I take a shower anyway. I'm a full 5 minutes into the shower before I realize that there are no towels. I left them in the dryer last night before I went to bed. Fuck.
Furthermore, the shower curtain is missing. Unbeknownst to me, I was flinging water all over the bathroom, soaking the floor, bath mats, and the pair of boxers I was sleeping in. Fuck.
At that moment, the power turns off. Followed by the water.
I stumble out of the bathroom, naked and soapy, into the common bathroom area I share with one of my roommates. Not having anything in my room to dry off on, I think fast and run to the living room, where I throw myself on the couch and use it to absorb my soapy-wetness.
I hear a door open. My roommate Brett has come into the living room. Thank God it's pitch black right now.
Until the power chooses to come back on. There I am, my naked ass rubbing against the embroidered blanket Brett keeps in the living room.
Fuck. It's gonna be one of those days.
I throw on my workout clothes and head to class.
After a less than stellar performance, I head to the bathroom of the athletic building to change back into regular clothes. All the stalls but one are taken.
As I hang my backpack on the hook and begin to change, I hear soft moans all around me. After a good minute or so, I realize that I know those moans. I've made those moans. Those are the moans...of masturbation.
As weirded out as I am by this, nothing prepares me for the next thing I hear: "(crackling static)..Bill, come back, this is Jan, got a situation." I giggled a little bit at the fact that it sounded like Jan was dirty-talking like she was engaged in some form of radio sex.
The cumming custodian in the stall next to me sighs and replies, then rises to leave. As I start to leave after him, I hear another burst of static.
Bill, the masturbating maintenance worker, had left his radio behind.
With the fury of a thousand muggings I snatched up that radio and ran off down the corridors and out of the building. I silenced the radio and pondered my situation. What the fuck was I gonna do with the radio of an jizzing janitor?
I was stuck until I saw an open janitorial closet.
I dashed inside and raided the place like I was preparing for a zombie invasion like "Dawn of the Dead," only with mops and cleaners instead of guns and bullets. I grabbed a janitor cart and loaded it up with supplies. I found a pile of slightly-soiled uniforms in the corner. Donning one, as well as a misplaced name tag labelled "Felipe!," I headed about my merry prank.
First order of business was to go to the student union and rope off every single staircase except one, forcing the entire flow of the student body to ascend and descend a narrow staircase in Chic-fil-a. 20 minute set-up, one hour of fun.
Next order of business was to use that freezing spray, normally used to get gum off of floors, to freeze every possible water fountain in the Department of IT Services building. Shut off my internet for checking my e-mail to much? Let's see how long you survive in a 33 million dollar building when you've got no WATER!
As I ran to the business building to exact revenge on my algebra professor for lying to me about triangles, I was stopped by a middle-aged custodian. "Felipe! Suelo! Pronto!"
My meager Spanish skills were no match for his inquisitive janitorial questioning. I had been found out.
Fuck. It's gonna be one of those days.
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-04-19 02:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two questions:
Why don't you have a shower curtain? They're like a dollar!
And, did the name tag really say "Felipe!" with an exclamation mark and everything?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-15 19:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude, you should have pranked Jan with the radio
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-04-02 23:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Liz! What is up, yo?
Submitted by CinderellaMEG (user info) at 2005-04-02 22:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Remind me to stay away from that blanket when I'm over there...eww.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-29 10:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I cannot express the sheer volume of ass that you consistently kick.
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am now horrified at the image of my gradeschool janitor whacking it.
Also, as to not camp on my post, is the replace word function you mentioned in your review available on Microsoft Word? How do I find it/use it?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're going to masturbate in a public bathroom can't you at least
not moan?
sheesh!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-24 15:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-24 12:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your critics seem a little harsh...I thought this was very funny!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-24 09:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There I am, my naked ass rubbing against the embroidered blanket Brett keeps in the living room."
This line made me burst out laughing, and I don't know why. Maybe it was the mental picture I got.
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is not complete
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like a lot of fun, "Felipe."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-24 08:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And then what?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasnt your best post. You should have punched it up a little.
Submitted by briancte (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heh, nice. i would've liked to see some fiction added though
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
bleh
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I jerked off a janitor once. Once.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm working on it. I've kinda got that motivation back now. It died for about a month, and you can see it in my user info. Where I usually posted 3 times a week or so, became once or twice every two weeks.
I'm not gonna promise anything, but I'm thinking Part 7 tomorrow.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you run? I would have run.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cancer, you better start writing some more of those "Fired" stories, because now I am fucking hooked.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you!
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed....
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me laugh, a lot.
Thank you
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your "slightly soiled" clothes made me cringe when thinking of the title.