God Only Smiles At Me After He's Kicked Me In The Nuts (870 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Heyzeus (View user info) at 2005-03-24 16:55:26 EST
Man, I tell ya, I have the weirdest luck in the world.
I'll start with last week. I'm sitting in my car eating lunch at a Quizno's before I head to school, and I feel a pressure in my stomach, so I fart. Then a minute later I feel the same pressure, so naturally, I fart, only this time instead of farting, I shit myself. that's right mother fuckers I shit my pant's! I look at the clock and according to the clock I have one half hour to go back to my house change and get back to school. If this would have happened any other time(this has never happened before) I would have gone home changed my pants and completely skipped class for lack of the will to live, but I couldn't miss this class. We had just had a test last class and I was certain that I failed it, and if I didn't show up I wouldn't be able to take the retest that I was just as likely to fail.
So I gunned it home, wiped my ass of the watered down mustard that appeared to be coming from my butt hole, and sped back to my class. Once I got into class, I made my way to my seat and awaited my test grade. I sat there for the longest time just thinking about how much of a loser I am for shitting my pants, when a paper with the grade of eighty five percent was handed back to me, the sudden reversal of emotional states was exhilarating, and I just couldn't stop smiling.
Yea, that's not all.
Now let me give you a little info on my social skills. They don't exist. I don't suck at talking to people, I just have a hump that I can't seem to get over. I am in no way like Napoleon Dynamite, what with the unnecessary talking and the awkward things to say at inopportune moments, I just lack the ambition and quick wit necessary to instigate good conversation.
Well any ways. I'm in school and I sit beside this girl that looks exactly like the female character in that stupid story that I write http://www.ubersite.com/m/61163 Which is kinda weird, cause I started writing that story long before I started taking classes. She's got dark skin, and blue eyes, and quite the looker. And I guess she felt sorry for me(Aw shucks) and invited me to hang out with her friends (ladies) at a strip club. What luck, you say? Well this good luck couldn't have happened if it were not preceded by bad luck. You see, the day before, I was driving down the road, when what should choose to run out in front of me? Non other than a squirrel. I believe I have mentioned my disdain for these rodents of the apocalypse before. http://www.ubersite.com/m/35070 , http://www.ubersite.com/m/41760 . After hearing the satisfying crunch of his skull between the tire and the pavement, my tire popped and I found myself staring at a blood encrusted flat tire. It took thirty minutes to change the damn thing because I had to look through out the whole damn car just to find that fucking special nut I needed to take the tire off. And a new tire was fucking expensive.
And later on this week I may even be able to sleep with one of these beauties, but that would only happen if something horrendously wrong happened before hand. I'm so looking forward to the upcoming event, and yet I'm dreading it just as much.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-12-21 16:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-12-21 15:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God Speed, sir. Just be sure to toss the undies before you take a "beauty" home...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-21 15:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<points and laughs> haha, gambled and lost on a cargo fart
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2005-03-25 21:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2005-03-24 18:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LALALALA
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-24 18:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this story was good.
these comments were better
Submitted by negativesid (user info) at 2005-03-24 17:04:59 (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, at least God gave you a discount. The chick you slept with probably would have cost more than the tire.
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Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-03-24 17:03:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Karma is a slut...and she's ugly.
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2005-03-24 18:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HA
Submitted by negativesid (user info) at 2005-03-24 17:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, at least God gave you a discount. The chick you slept with probably would have cost more than the tire.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-03-24 17:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Karma is a slut...and she's ugly.