The Thursday Night Bet (or A day in the Life of a Poor Student) (1046 hits)
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Rating: 1.44 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonovanMD <Dmacd58.at.telus.net> (View user info) at 2005-03-25 14:11:22 EST
I pulled into the bank yesterday, same as I do at least 4 or 5 times a month. I needed a few bucks to get me by until Friday. Payday. Every Friday at midnight I can bless the lord when I have money. When you're a 20 year old part time student working a security gig to make ends meet, the bi weekly pay days are circled in red on the calendar. The first weekend after that direct deposit is party weekend.
Like any red blooded male I enjoy a few brews, and that's my fun weekend. By the second weekend I'm starting to look closer at my statements. Somehow I have to make that 71 dollars last another week. And by the Thursday leading up to payday, I'm usually back in the same boat all over again. Scraping every penny like the cheap Scotsman I am.
This Thursday I punch in a $60 dollar withdraw from savings. Yeah. That's my life savings. Fuck you, you rich fucks.
I have a really short attention span and while waiting the 15 seconds for the ATM machine to spit tonight's drinking money into my hand I grab a few of the transaction statements people always toss on the top of the machine and flip through them.
The first one read:
Withdraw: $80
Balance: $1,119.78
Fucker. I hate being poor.
The second one read:
Withdraw: $20
Balance: $66.18
Haha. Its nice not to be the only guy worrying about money. Somehow the pain of others makes me smile.
The third one read:
Withdraw: $400
Balance: $881, 286.92
WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me? Nearly a million dollar balance? And from a fucking chequing account!? I've got to start watching who uses these ATMs a little closer. At this point I'm not against anything, even anything illegal, in the effort to keep my head above water.
"Move it kid! I'm not getting an fucking younger here," cried this not-so-sweet little old lady behind me.
"Hold your fucking horses," I mumbled back, pocketing the statement and money and heading out the door on the way home.
--
So that night at the regular hangout, Sherlock Holmes pub downtown, my buddies James, Greg, Marko and his fiance Annette sat and drank away our woes. Being on the tight budget I am, I was nursing just my second beer while listening to Marko and Ann blather on about their recent engagement. It's a weird feeling when guys my age, guys I grew up with, are getting married. I sat there rolling my eyes and agreeing that Lilacs would make much nicer dinner table bouquets than roses when Ann said to me "Aww, don't worry Donovan. There's a girl out there for you. And who ever she is, she will be one lucky gal!"
Thanks.
Could it get any better than this?
"Listen, I may not have a steady girlfriend, but I am not hurting here. Not everyone wants to be getting married at twenty. Besides, I like being single. I like having the option of going up to any girl in here and making a move, at any time."
Greg: "Listen to Don Juan over there. Mr. Ladies man. Any girl in here, any time, huh?"
James: "That sounds like a bet."
Greg: "It sure does. 20 bucks says you cant even get a date out of the woman of our choosing."
Never one to back down from a bet, I accepted and added, "No problem. Pick the woman."
"Confident eh?" Marko chimed in. "How about forty bucks. Well each chip in ten. I want to see "The Master" in action. Haha."
I reached deep into my jeans and pulled out two twenties and change. "But, that's the last of my drinking money."
Greg smiled that arrogant smile that's lulled me into a false sense of security in the past, usually before picking my wallet. I downed the last sip of my beer and still very sober said, "Deal. Pick the girl."
Thursdays are always busy. Ladies Night. The pub wasn't especially full, but the female to male ration was at least 2:1. Being right downtown and a stones throw from a local college, the place fills up even on week days. Looking around I was pretty confident of myself. None of the single women seemed like much of a challenge, even sober.
Just then, like a scene from a teenage movie, the door opened up and in walked 3 girls. The first two were fat pigs and all of us at the table averted our eyes. But as the two fatties stepped aside, coming in behind them was this woman. And not just any woman. The bartender dropped the glass he was cleaning. The two man band skipped a beat of the chorus of Lynard Skynards "Free Bird". And every man turned his head to look.
Picture this: A five foot nine, one hundred and twenty pound, black haired, green eyed girl with hips slightly larger than her waist. Wearing a knee length black skirt, shiny black "fuck me" boots and a sexy black top with a plunging neckline. She's got the high, firm, amazing looking ass and perky palm sized breasts, nipples poking skyward. When she looks at you with those piercing eyes and half cocked smile you tell yourself you would give anything for a night with her. The guys instantly sport wood, and the women sigh and go the washroom to see how fat they look tonight.
"Her. Get a date with her."
I look at Greg in disgust and sorrow. "Fuck you man. Fuck you."
All of them laugh and chime in their agreement. Greg looks back at her, now sitting at a booth across the pub before adding, "Whenever you're ready Romeo."
I sigh and mumble something about needing to go and take a leak and slide away to the washroom, the table giggling away at their entertainment for the night. I wash my face and look at myself in the mirror.
Why the fuck didn't I shave tonight? And why did I wear this shirt? Fuck, my hair doesn't look good at all. I wet it down and mold it into place with my hands. I do the clothing press and pat down and take a deep breath before looking at myself again. I am so fucked. I dig around in my pockets for a stick of gum, when suddenly an idea comes to me.
I smile and take another deep breath before pushing through the door.
--
"Hi there, my names Donovan. I noticed you all coming in, mind if I have a seat?"
The fatties both giggle their approval while Ms. Perfect just rolls her eyes in that "here we go again" sort of way. I slide in next to Fattie One, right across from Ms. Perfect.
I smiled my most sincere smile, and started with the small talk to ease into conversation. The fatties were all over it, while Ms. Perfect had her bitch shield up in full. Ready to deflect any advancements at a moments notice. I had to break her down.
"So what do you all do. Do you go to school up the road?" I asked.
The fatties blathered about their jobs at Dairy Queen or Burger Kind of something while Ms. Perfect, who introduced herself as Anita, said, "Yes. I'm taking an Arts course. I drink gin and tonic by the way."
I smiled at her and feeling of enlightenment and said, "Well I drink Whiskey Sours if your buying."
Anita scoffed and retorted with, "Excuse me. I don't buy drinks for boys."
"Well I don't buy drinks for girls. So, do you work at all?"
I had already assumed she was used to living in the lap of luxury, and probably lived off the dime of daddy dearest.
"I model in my spare time. It pays the bills," she said in an offhand way, giving me the look one might reserve for a homeless man masturbating on a park bench.
I smiled again thinking: Perfect. A model. And replied, "Oh yeah? Like....a hand model or something?"
Anita didn't just scoff. She gasped. She wasn't used to being insulted by men. Especially about her looks, which were enough to turn even Zoidberg straight. Her bitch shield was down.
At this point she was in unfamiliar territory. A man who had shown enough interest to come over and say hello had just insulted her and was now chatting contently with her very fat, very ugly friends. I imagine she wondered what the fuck was going on. But still, despite my fake confidence I was still intimidated by Anita and all her beauty. So I put her into checkmate and finished off my scheme, ensuring I would get a date with her and win the bet.
"Listen, it was fun meeting you all, but I have friends across the pub and it would be rude to abandon them. But Anita, I'm going to give you my number and you can call me tomorrow and well have dinner together and continue this conversation."
I pulled out the bank statement I had found that afternoon and scribbled my name and number on it. And handed it to her, probably beaming like an idiot.
"Don't lose that old bank statement, or you'll be out of luck. Good night ladies."
I walked back across the pub and rejoined my friends.
"She will call me. Tomorrow." I said flatly.
Bullshit was the general consensus.
"I'll let the machine pick it up," I told them. "And you can owe me tomorrow night."
--
Thinking back, you could see the moment at Anitas table when she and her friends realised that I wasn't just original, but wealthy. Or so she thinks anyway.
She called this afternoon saying she would very much like to see me for dinner sometime and to call her back as soon as I can. I did and we have plans for dinner tonight. I also forwarded the message to each of my friends and told Greg I would have to collect my money Saturday.
But I cant stay and chat anymore. I have to pick up Anita for dinner and my bus arrives in a couple minutes. Hopefully its on schedule this time, fucking public transportation. Were going to Earls, but I'm going to eat light tonight, probably a water and some mints. I only have 20 dollars on me. At least until midnight.
User Reviews
Submitted by slapsticky (user info) at 2006-09-07 15:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-08 20:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this the first time but I'm glad I read it now.
Submitted by corporate_whore (user info) at 2005-11-08 19:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story.
To the moron that said Tucker Max wrote that story. All of Tucker's stories are about picking up girls. Nice work man, you can pick a THEME.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bah ha ha ha ha
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets An Elephant
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
bitches!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-08-12 06:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
alcohol is expensive
Fuck dude. Just go to a gay bar and tell them you're "straight but curious". I just moved and thats what I tell people when I go out, haven't bought a drink since.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-08-11 20:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the best things I've read on this site.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-11 19:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God damned fucking alters.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-11 19:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ERRR?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Please go find this story of his for me asshole.
Submitted by Shaystar (user info) at 2005-08-11 18:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read this story before. It was written by a guy named Tucker Max. Pretty sure his website still exists.
EEERRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Try again.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-11 18:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will undoubtedly do this in the future.
I'll have to start checking those thrown away statements.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-11 18:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post, I remember I had a similar experience with a pretty girl at the bar.
I had recently been burned by a chick so I was on a fucking tear, I was pissed of and just wanted to get laid. I was sick and fucking tired of all my buddies who treat girls like shit getting all the pussy so I thought I would try it. If anyone tells you that being a dick to girls doesnt work they are full of shit, I have NEVER had as many different bar star cuties as I did that summ but back to the story.
This quite attrative chick walks up to me while I am waiting at the bar and asks me if I will buy her a drink. I started laughing, no just little laughing, the doubled over and full belly laughing. I asked her why? So she can take it and not talk to me agian for the evening? No thanks, doesnt sound like a solid investment. She went storming off and I saw her later that night pointing me out to the girls she was there with.
I was at the bar again later that evening and saw this chick standing there waiting to order drinks, I walked up and said I would buy her a drink but not here, at the pub across the street, she thought for a sec and then said yes. We went to the pub, got some drinks, and by some I mean I could barley stand and then she took me home to her apartment and fucked the living shit out of me.
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-29 04:54:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock so hard.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-26 08:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me, I thought this was pretty damn good. I mean, it's Saturday morning, I'm stuck at work, and this entertained me. Nicely done.
Yes, Doug's post was SIMILAR in that it had the same premise (which isn't a hard concept to think up so GOD FORBID MORE THAN ONE PERSON EVER WRITES ABOUT IT), but the execution was different. So basically, shut the fuck up Holly. When was the last time you put out anything worth clicking on you slattern dirigible. In fine Creep fashion, I shall now advise you to eat a dick.
EAT A DICK YOU FUCKING CUNT!
Yeah, I'm bitter today.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-03-25 20:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Your word is SOMEWHAT"
"Could you please use that in a sentence?"
"SOMEWHAT.....AS IN.....ORANGES SOMEWHAT REMIND ME OF ORANGES"
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-25 20:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I agree, its somewhat similiar. I have never seen it before though.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I feel like an asshole doing this........
http://www.ubersite.com/m/38491
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-03-25 17:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this story on Uber, only the girl that was "picked up" was the bartender. I think it might have been one of the NYC uberers. Was it 1.21?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not getting any tonight, seeing as how she's going to find out you're broke. But hey, look on the bright side - you're $40 richer!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not going to -2 you because hopefully you actually did this - it was a great story.
But the ATM thing is old. There are websites where for a few bucks you can buy a bunch of 'receipts' for the very purpose you just laid out.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:31:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Present tense or past tense? Pick one not both. Even though that bugged me have a +2
--
I know I swapped between it to much, but I wanted to switch between narrator and first person for certain parts.
Ah well. I need to do a few drafts.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:29:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
not yours.
--
The fuck it isnt asshole. Dont make accusations without backing it up. Let alone -2 me. The conversation with Anita really happened, the ATM bit was a little exhaggerated but not ripped off.
If you find where this is "stolen from", I'll +2 every post of yours.
Asshole.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-25 16:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Present tense or past tense? Pick one not both. Even though that bugged me have a +2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a ATM receipt on my suipervisors desk one day, that fucker had over 80,000 dollars in his account.
Jeebus I thought, I need a raise
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree with Bob I have heard this before. I mean everyone has heard the story line about using others bank receipts...but thats not what I am talking about.
And I am making no accusations here but whilst reading I swear I felt some Deja Vu that I had read this exact story layout before...have you posted this before?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic read! a bit soporific in the middle but overall , very sweet.
_____
"I model in my spare time. It pays the bills," she said in an offhand way, giving me the look one might reserve for a homeless man masturbating on a park bench.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you a +2 for now, but if this is ripped off. I'm carpet bombing all your posts with -2's. I liked the story man. Great idea.
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not yours.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would totally make her pay for everything, but that's just me.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a fellow poor person.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really good.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've read this somewhere before.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's going to be mighty pissed when she finds out you don't really have 800 grand in the bank. You might want to wear a cup on your date.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna see her face when you role up in the bus. Talk about the jig being up.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was my fucking statement, you asshole. Steal my identity will ya! I'll cut ya, boy. I'll cut ya.
And quit hitting on my sister....and hanging out at my bars. Fucker.
And I think you should spend that $20 on me by buying me a birthday steak.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, that was pretty good, dude!
The light bulb over my head went on at the last minute, nice touch there with the ATM receipt.
Be forewarned, most people won't get it, though.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-25 14:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment