Wanted: Experienced Castrator (1254 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Puking Dog (View user info) at 2005-03-25 17:37:32 EST
These fucking sex offenders are getting out of hand. I mean, I can understand if you get a rod looking at some 16 year old with breasts like badminton birdies, or whatever the fuck you call that thing that you hit in that ridiculous game, but if you seek out little kids to fuck you should be castrated. Now, everyone knows this. But not everyone knows how easy it is to perform castration at home or at work. Until now, that is.
Driving to Denver the other morning with an esteemed colleague of mine, who happens to be a former rancher, we happened upon this underrated topic. It was spawned by a memory I had from around age six. I had a dog named Curly. We were going to my grandpa's ranch that weekend, and one of the things we were doing was having him "fixed." I had these visions of a vet coming to the ranch, and my dog, anesthetized, being under the knife.
So, you can imagine my surprise when, that weekend, as I made my way into the barn, I merely had to follow the blood trail to find my dog's former balls lying on the concrete floor. This is a surprise like no other in life, I guarantee you.
So I asked my colleague if the procedure was as simple as I remember - grab and slice.
Well, it turns out there are several techniques for removing the testes of almost any male - bull, dog, bulldog, or this Roger Bentley fuck.
By the way, I did NOT forget the oxy-acetylene torch method, either. How many of us can afford one of those rigs?
1) This one's the easiest, and the best: grab the nuts, pull, sever as close to the ass as possible, watch the blood fly. Hopefully you get to watch him suffer through the night. Unrealistic, however.
2) Sever the sack along the seam - everyone knows where the seam is. With the fore- and middle fingers and thumb of your left hand, gently pull the testicles down until the seminal vesicle is visible (say vesicle is visible 10 times fast too). Now, do NOT simply sever the seminal vesicle - you need to use your knife-edge to scrape the stretched vesicle so that it breaks in little strands. I have it on good authority that you can use your teeth for this as well. Whatever... if you do not do this correctly, you risk internal bleeding and death.
3) Similar to #3, however you may slice the vesicle if you have a cauterizing device available. You will, however, need to insert a tube of some sort for drainage for the next few days. Where? Fuck if I know - just jam it in there, it can't hurt any worse. Wait until they go pee in the middle of the night for the first time!
4) This is a widely known technique, thought by many to be myth only, but it is a tried and true method particularly useful if you find yourself driving the herd (bulls or pedophiles) through the desert without a knife. Simply find yourself a length of bailing wire or cactus and wrap it tightly around the scrotum above the testicles. Make sure it's tight. Then count the days before the whole mess just fucking falls right off. Imagine the look on that asshole's face!
You can't rehab someone who gets turned on by kids. You just can't. Something is too fucked up way too deep inside their brains. Their animal instincts are retarded.
You can, however, cut their fucking nuts off.
User Reviews
Submitted by Majik_Marker (user info) at 2008-05-18 08:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yes... +2. Castrate the damn predators.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-06-08 01:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2007-06-08 01:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All the junk should be cut off.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-08 00:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm...
interesting theeeeeeoryyyy...
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-08 00:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He is mad at me because I gave him a minus 2 on something. Sorry to make you read this post. If that worked I would make people take off all their clothes...
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-08 00:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, shame on you PD for "forcing" your ideas on the rest of us!
I can't take it anymore
<dies>
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2007-06-08 00:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha ha. Boy is that good. Good one.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-06-08 00:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for forcing your ideas stupidly upon the rest of us. Please don't taint the gene pool.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-07 23:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-13 09:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah we did. Fuck 'em.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work on the brain teaser. we carried those poor johnny-come-latelys that won.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-03-27 13:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, I'm offering an online course on how not to read other people's reviews until after you've posted yours, in which you incidentally point out things that have already been mentioned. If you can't make yourself look like a dumbass in two weeks, take advantage of the money-back guarantee.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-03-27 13:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
They're called shuttlecocks.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-03-27 13:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-27 13:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, don't be silly. They have to *know* exactly why they're being punished. Say, by having an axe-wielding small child do the job. I think that it would set up an appropriate sort of complex.
Note- I think that I remember reading somewhere that even with the testicles removed, it is still possible to get an erection. So I would suggest removing the penis as well in such cases. You know, just to be sure.
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:45:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked as a veterinary surgical assitant for a year.
I know how to castrate.
---------------------------------
Mental Note - NEVER piss off munkeypants
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-26 09:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. That's a really funny sadistic thought. Imagine some kid toucher chained to a wall so he can't reach his junk to remove the rubber band.
CHAINED!
haha
TO A WALL!
hahahaha
'til his balls FALL THE FUCK OFF!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:30:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, thats the way to go with child molesters ,i have cut everything from cats to bullocks and its not hard once you get the swing of it.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-26 03:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We did steers buy doing #4 with a super tight rubber ring, balls fall off in a month or so... rubber bands & spreader available at your local Feed & Tack store.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked as a veterinary surgical assitant for a year.
I know how to castrate.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"breasts like badminton birdies"
actually, that's a nice little bit of alliteration...
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Castration is too good for them.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-25 18:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did work experience in a vet's surgery when I was at school, and their preferred method for castrating cats was just to grab and pull. Apparently the tissue stretches out, snaps and then shrivels back in such a way that it heals better than an incision.
It was fucking hilarious to watch. Having tumours thrown at me when I wasn't paying attention, however, was not.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-25 17:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was over my buddy's house in columbus when we heard this awful noise. he explained that it was his brother castrating various pigs from around the county. he just cuts an "x" on the scrotum, puts a lot of pressure on the stomach, and they plop out. he showed me a bucket full of pig nuts...i instantly ejaculated.
Submitted by Deathwatchz (user info) at 2005-03-25 17:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i still think the penalty for rapists in central america would be better. they have a device thats about the size of an ink pen, and when you turn the knob on the end, a whole bunch of razors pop outta the sides. they slide that thing up a rapists dick, turn the knob, yank, and voila! instant string cheese.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-03-25 17:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the word you're looking for is a shuttlecock. hehe