Alcohol, some drugs and an ex-cop (817 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.9 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <fishingwithlacyP.at.AOL.COM> (View user info) at 2005-03-26 07:15:15 EST
I had been in business for about one year. From a retired police detective to private
investigator, or "security consultant", as its called now.
My office was a single room, in the corner of an old concrete tilt-up warehouse. The
warehouse had been retro-fitted for multi-use. One door, no windows but with parking for
two cars right in front.
Inside my furnishings consisted of: an old roll-top desk, lamp and chair. A couch for
clients, a radio and a 10x10 Persian rug on the slab. Spartan and very old school.
Then there was my safe. Big enough to hold a couple of long-guns, surveillance items, my
alcohol, money, and some "tools"(drugs) to obtain quick information on the street. Some
files and other items completed my inventory.
I don't remember what prompted it, but one friday night, after work, around 7pm, I decided
to have a "private" party alone. You know, the type that can become very dangerous, given
the right circumstances.
By 11pm I was well beyond being legally drunk. So I opened the safe to secure my sidearm
for the night. For some reason I decided to inspect my "street tools". Some were in bindles
and others in balloons. Now, of course, I knew what direction each of the products would
"send" someone. But somehow my decision got perverted and got based on not ruining the
containers. Big jump there and incredibly stupid. So I picked the "foldie".
Two or three match-heads later, my sing-a-long with the oldies but goodies on the radio
stopped.I had a major teepee in my pants.(The purity of this crap would have probably put the population of a small mid-western town in a coma)But I don't really know for sure. Driving was out f the question. I also knew that if I could walk, the neighborhood dogs would not be safe,
let alone the hookers working the street three blocks away. I was very uncomfortable.
So I started on another fifth of Blue-Label till I passed out
I woke up at 3pm Saturday afternoon, on my carpet with three empty fifths by my side.
But.....I felt great!
So good in fact, that I picked up the bottles, locked up the office, opened the trunk of
my car, and placed the emptys inside.
Then I retrieved my sweats and running shoes from the back seat and went on a 2hr run.
After my run I got in the car,drove down to the racetrack, got some food from the Mexican
"roach-coach" that's always there, ate and drove home.
Monday morning
As I drive up to my "office", I notice a recent client standing by the door.
Shit, bad news.
This guy had a simple case but I knew when I took it there was a possibility that it would
"morph" into something unpleasant. Just like the client.
Since I had access to NCIC, Lexis and a litany of other information outlets, and for a
couple of C-notes, I had retrieved some information for him that was hard to come by.
The problem was, he wanted to "ramp-up" his case to a level I would and could not pursue.
He wanted some "heavy-lifting" and other things done.
No way, Fuck You
So here's this big mook standing in front of my door, all puffed-up with a lit cigar
stuffed in his face.
And he stinks!
I open the door to go in, and the smell off this man just gets worse! I think nasty thoughts
but I hold my tongue. On the way in I ask "you want to sit?"......"No, I'll stand".
I think good, I'll get this turd out of my office fast.
"Fine, I have your file over here in my desk.
He follows me over and stands at my side as I sit down.
The fucking smell is just unbelievable now!
I stare directly at him now as I "crinkle" my nose but again decide not to say anything.
I mean this guy has not changed his shorts in months, but I am starting to feel sorry for
him because he is just not getting it.
I reach for the top left hand drawer, where his file set alone, and opened it.
Its his case all right, except it is floating in about 1 inch off piss, topped off with a
6 inch turd and assorted "crumbs".
You could still see his name on the folder in black marker.
Now, believe me when I say........There are no words to describe the look on his face.
Me, well I probably looked like the RCA Dog.
I really wanted to say something like "Damn, they sure knew how to make a solid desk back
when", but I knew it wasn't going to fly at that moment.
So I just started to laugh.
Like a madman, I guess, till the tears started.
It was the only time, I had demonstrated to a client, what I thought of their case.
To his credit, he did not say a word.
He just backed up.
All the way to the door.
Reached around till he found the knob with his hand.
Opened the door, finally turning around, and disappeared.
Later, a call to my former associates, to report a break-in and subsequent vandalism.
And another to building maintenance,
and my day was done.
Sometimes, no matter what, things just happen the way you want them to.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-28 06:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 03:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yep.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-03-27 23:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't +2 him even though you said that you would!!
Or my Ultimate Cow!
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-26 20:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:49:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
A bit stilted, but not too bad.
***************************************
I'm afraid of the grammar nazis here.
Thank you
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
A bit stilted, but not too bad.
Sounds like something Blake Mackintyre would do.
-Dave
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-26 12:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Didn't see it coming, and I'm nothing if not sophomoric.
Submitted by spazzh0le (user info) at 2005-03-26 11:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yo, Dragnet McTurd...this sucks
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-26 08:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That was a long set up for a sophmoric joke.