Wal-Mart: The Ultimate in Customer Service (1180 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.31 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FelizJBirth (View user info) at 2005-03-26 16:33:31 EST
"Hello and welcome to Wal-Mart. How are you doing today?"
"Hi, good thanks. I'd like to return this."
"Do you still have the receipt for that item, sir?"
"Well, no. I guess I forgot to look for it."
"I'm very sorry but you can't return that without a receipt. It's store policy."
"Ah, fuck. I should have figured. Well, why the hell am I here then?"
"You tell me."
"What?"
"Why are you here? You asked the question."
"Yeah, why am I here? It's a waste of time!"
"Why wouldn't you be here?"
"Why should I be here?"
"Ah, but more importantly, how could you possibly not be here?"
"But why am I here? I know I am here, but why do I have to be here? It's gotten
me nowhere."
"I don't understand the question."
"Of course you do."
"It's missing the point, sir. You're here. I'm here. We're here. How could we
not be here?"
"Whatever put us here should have decided not to put us here. It's wasting our time."
"There's no such thing as a waste of time, sir. We're here which means we should be
here. It happened so therefore that's the way it should be. Noone said anything
about something "deciding" we should be here. All we know is we're here now and we
have to deal with it."
"So anything that happens is justified just because it happened? If I go out and kill
a baby does that mean I should have done it just because I did it?"
"Not anything. You're distorting my words. We're here so we should be here. There's a difference."
"What's the difference?"
"We can't help being here. You can help it if you kill a baby but you can't help
it if you're here."
"What if I killed myself? Wouldn't I be able to help it then?"
"Never thought of that. That's interesting."
"So I do have control over my existence. And by your logic if I kill myself then I
should not be here because I won't be."
"Well, you should not be here after you're not here. You should still be here right now
which you are."
"You can't have it both ways."
"No, you can't have it one way. Your life and your death are separate."
"But if I killed myself then you would still remember me, right?"
"Of course. You're a valued customer."
"So in a way I would still be here."
"No, my memories of you would be here and the remains of your physical body would be here
in some form but you yourself would not be here. You are not your body or the results
of your actions, you are your ego. When the ego dies for good so do you."
"I don't believe it!"
"It's true, sir. Any perception you have of yourself is completely in your own mind.
When your mind ceases to function "you" die. You could still be physically
have a dead ego, sort of like an extreme schizophrenic."
"Or kind of like more temporary death through drugs like LSD?"
"Exactly. "
"So the only way for someone without something like schizophrenia to experience the death
of their ego is through the use of hallucinogenic drugs?"
"That's questionable. It's the only way I've found that works but others claim to have
discovered other ways and who am I to doubt them?"
"So does that mean that the hallucinogenic experience or ego death in general is exactly
what death is like?"
"No and this is very important. Ego death is only a side effect of what a drug like
LSD does to your mind. There's some truth to it but it's also debatable and dependent
upon belief systems. Death itself is different from ego death because without the
functioning mind there can be no ego to lose. There is still a functioning mind being
manipulated during the hallucinogenic experience. "
"Ok, I think I understand."
"Good, now I want you to go home and look for that receipt."
"Ok."
"When you come back with it we can continue our discussion."
"Alright, I think I can probably find it. Thanks for the help."
"My pleasure. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. Have a nice day."
User Reviews
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-05-25 12:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my experiences with customer service were that cool.
Submitted by Speed2oo1 (user info) at 2005-05-25 12:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walmart returns anything with or without a receipt or box, hell I've returned boxes without products before.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-05-25 11:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You want me to judge you? This post is bullshit. Nice making stuff up though, right? How dare you fuck up ubersite with your lies.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-29 10:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-28 12:20:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not QUITE a 2....
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-28 12:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I'm glad I threw the Wal-Mart thing in because I knew it wouldn't really fly as just as a conversation between two nondescript people. I'm glad people seemed to enjoy it I have to admit I was hesitant posting this but, then again, who isn't when they post?
If you like this post at all, I highly recommend a movie called "I Heart Huckabees". I was pretty much imitating Dustin Hoffman's character in it as best I could with the Wal-Mart employee. Not for everyone but certainly much better than this post (after all, they had a budget) and with similar kind of content.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-03-28 11:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The whole Walmart greeter thing helped this go from just being interesting to also being humorous.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-03-28 11:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I salute you, sir.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-27 11:32:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This never actually happened. I wrote this as simply a conversation between two people and then to try to make it more interesting added the whole Wal-Mart twist. It's funny you mention that though because now that I think of it a friend of mine used to walk into Wal-Mart, pick something up off the shelf and then walk over and return it without a receipt.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-03-27 05:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Im with lordofduct. Great story though. I had to stop reading it because it was mind boggling.
You know what I always say, "If ya cant duct it fuck it".
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-03-27 04:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, where is this Wal-mart, because it's actually not store policy to not except returns with out receipt. Except for with electronics.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-26 22:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-03-26 20:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fascinating convo. And you had this with a Wal Mart customer service rep? Dang, where is this Wal Mart?
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-03-26 20:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Confusing ppl and insulting them in a way they dident even realize was one of the few pleasures that got me thro the day at sears. Especially insulting the store manager.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-03-26 19:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woowee!
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-26 17:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, only because I loved to confuse folks when I worked retail.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-26 17:14:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, don't be thanking anyone. this is very artsy--a real underdog.
i'll be rooting for it, though.
good luck.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-26 17:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
er B@W. Not bored and work.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-26 17:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad you enjoyed it and I'm humbled that anyone would even consider anything I wrote for B&W.
You guys are too nice is this a setup or something?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:51:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
just picturing a 50-something crippled lady with blue hair having this discussion cracks me the hell up. fantastic!
I'd even say B.at.W...
_________________
you know, you're right. i'll submit it feliz.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just picturing a 50-something crippled lady with blue hair having this discussion cracks me the hell up. fantastic!
I'd even say B@W...
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pen, thanks for the kind words. I considered a picture but I couldn't think of anything.. If only I had your advice first, oh well. I just realized that there's an error up there, it's "physically alive and have a dead ego" not "physically dead ego" or whatever it is. You get the gist of it I hope.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and if you had happened to throw together a picture of some crazy philosopher with a walmart vest on, it would have tied it up better.
still...nice.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-03-26 16:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
philosophy meets mass commercialism.
loads better than most of the shit today.