Battling the Vampires and Zombies of the Matrix (931 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.2 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber writer (View user info) at 2005-03-27 02:44:02 EST
(See http://www.ubersite.com/m/62794 for an explanation)
"You know what I think of you; don't you, you little bastard?"
Dipping a popsickle stick into a cup of blood, I watch as my victim squirms in his chair.
"Blah! Vut are you doink vith that? Blah!" the Romanian trembles in his chair.
"Testing you."
Bringing the bloody popsickle stick up to the tied-up creep's mouth, I watch as his lips tremble. Then, in a flash, his fangs chomp down, snapping the stick in half. I recoil, jumping away from him.
Blood and splinters falling from his mouth, the jack-off shouts, "Blah! That prooves nothing!"
Before I can respond, I hear a thunderous roar. The wall soon caves in and I fall back in fear. As I cough and stagger to my feet, I see Agent Smith standing in the gaping hole.
"Blah! The sun is rising!" my victim screams.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Anderson?" Agent Smith growls.
"I'm saving your ass!" I shout back. "These things are all over the place. They're killing innocent people and agents. Let me handle this! ... Consider it a favor."
"Not today, scumbag. We do our own work."
With that, I find myself hurdling through the air towards my adversary -- quite like the opening of "Ninja Gaiden" if you ever played that game on Nintendo -- and using my floating Kung Fu. Our hands and feet clash again and again, neither one of us able to get the upper hand.
"Blah! Kick him in the groin! Blah!"
Both Agent Smith and I think that the vampire is talking to us, so we end up both kicking each other in the groin. We both fall to the floor.
"Damn!" Smith shouts. "That really fuckin' hurt."
"I can't see!" I gasp. "I can't see."
Before either one of us can get to our feet, the room soon becomes filled with moaning. From all sides, I hear heavy panting. Lifting my head, I see Agent Smith's head being torn apart.
"Blah, blah, blah!" Dracula laughs. "My zombie minions have come to save me. You were such veak and pathetic fools. Now you will sufver at zhe hands of my--BLLAAHHH!!!!"
With that, a zombie chomps into the vampire's skull.
"Holy fuck!" I whisper to myself, looking at the creatures around me. "Am I doomed?"
~~~
"Timothy!" my mother shouts, opening the door. "Are you swearing in here?"
Getting up off the floor, I kick my copies of 'Anime Ass' under my bed.
"I'm fine, mother," I snort. "Leave me alone."
"You watch your language when you're playing!" she points at me. "The Lord didn't die on a cross just for you to have a dirty mouth, you hear?"
"Yes, yes, mother!" I say, closing the door.
"And stop touching yourself when you watch cartoons!" she shouts through the crack.
Curling up in a ball on my bed, I try to imagine the world of zombies and vampires and the Matrix again, but nothing comes to me. Turning on my Styxx album, I try to forget myself.
Even over my headphones, I can hear the garbage man and my mother.
"Take it, you bitch!" the garbage man screams.
"I'mmmm sailing awaayyy," I sob.
"Fuck me!" my mother shouts. "I'm your dirty little pig!"
"Set an open course on the virgin sea..."
"You like that, eh, bitch? Let me cum on your face!"
"'Cause I got to be freee..."
I tell myself that I'll play Zombie-Vampire-Matrix-Movie again tomorrow while all the kids are at the prom.
Over the sound of my mother gargling semen, I sigh, "Too caa-rrry on..."
User Reviews
Submitted by yuvalset (user info) at 2005-11-11 00:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a little teird to rate this right now. Nevertheless, I'm not drunk enough as not being able to spell nevertheless.
Submitted by mybrainisawaffle (user info) at 2005-04-11 22:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a bear.
Submitted by dudaculb (user info) at 2005-03-30 16:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
okay http://www.FreePSPs.com/?r=16768803
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-27 18:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-27 12:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Revolutionman (user info) at 2005-03-27 12:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now thats what im talking about
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-03-27 03:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Do you mind if I hemorrhage right here on the floor?