Never Buy Pretzels From A Homeless Guy (1039 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.6 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-03-29 14:12:52 EST
Since this weekend was Easter weekend, everyone went home to be with their families. I was no different; I left my college campus to go get some good ol' home cooked eats that my Aunt and Uncle cook up in the kitchen. Easter being on Sunday, Friday and Saturday night consisted of hanging out with friends and traveling around.
Friday was uneventful, because I had some MicroBio homework that needed to be done by midnight, and I was tired from classes all day. Saturday was the night that several of my friends and I went out to Worcester to hit the under 21 clubs and maybe score some chicks. Unfortunately there was no chick action, but the night started out easily enough, we parked went in for a while, left, went to another club, rinse, repeat.
As the night died down, and we had been to several clubs that sucked, we decided to walk along the strip, which is Worcester, MA slang for "Main Street, where people drive their cars up and down the road for hours trying to impress people with the loudness of their engines." Hoping to catch a late night concert at Club Marquee, where local bands hang out and play late night shows, we walked there only to find it closed down.
We decided to call it a night and go home, but we still had a 20-minute walk to the car. It was relatively uneventful until about 5 minutes later. We came across a homeless guy sitting on a bench, playing with some cards.
Normally there aren't that many homeless guys on Main Street, or in Worcester for that matter, but this guy stood out amongst the darkness. Wearing a day-glo orange hunting jacket, checked pants, sporting some seriously scraggly gray hair, and having a bunch of other random junk, he took up the whole bench.
Not wanting to be accosted by him, we decided to quickly walk by and pay him no mind. It being about 2AM and having no one else walking, he saw us and jumped up excitedly, with the deck of cards in his hand.
All four of us stopped and just wondered what he had in the bag. He smiled at us and said through crooked yellow teeth: "Wud ya fellas like to help a poor old man out?" All four of us being in school, we had little money to out names, so we politely declined and tried to continue on. Unfortunately, the guy wasn't done yet. He dropped the cards and picked up a tattered, brown, paper lunch bag and held it high over his head.
"I gots sumthin fer ya! Fer only 1 dollar, I'll give ya this here bag o' pretzels! They're real nice, real fresh! They won't disappoint! Only 1 dollar, and the bag is yours!" He smiled and waved the bag in our faces. We all looked at each other and figured that if the guy only wanted a dollar then we could give it to him and then continue on our way. It was only a dollar; we had a dollar's worth of quarters in the car if we really needed it.
So Darren, the kind bastard that he is, took out a dollar and extended his hand to the guy to give it to him. I was getting impatient, because the homeless guy's nasty teeth were starting to freak me out, and because he started to spout off about how thankful he was and that we were all going to heaven for helping a poor guy out, and how the pretzels were so good, and that we wouldn't be disappointed. He grabbed Darren's hand and shook it, gave him the paper bag, and went back to his bench.
We continued to walk, without a word. We got into the car without a word. Everyone was wondering the same thing: Was Darren was going to eat the pretzels? The bag was still closed. We all looked at him and with no words he said, "I'm not opening it."
"So throw it out the window. Either that or open it," I said. We all waited for about 5 seconds, and Dave grabbed that bag. "Pussy, I'll open it." Dave opened the bag, and sure enough, it was full of pretzels. They looked normal enough, brown, salted, and hard. We all started chanting "BITE IT! BITE IT!" But he was too scared. Finally, Darren took the bag back, grabbed one, and put it in his mouth. "Kind of stale, but it tastes alright," he said between chews.
Finally, he started eating them one after the other without hesitation. "You do know you bought that from some guy who shits in a trash can, right? He probably found that bag too, you know," I said to him as we got underway on our drive back home.
"Dude, they're fine, there's nothing wrong with them. Want one?" I told him I'd stick to Doritos, and he can have the whole thing to himself. Dave and I were driving and sitting shotgun, respectively, Darren and Matt were in the back, so I didn't see what happened next. All I heard was a scream around a mouthful of Homeless© brand salted pretzels, and gagging, followed by throwing up out the window.
Apparently there was a dead rat with its head crushed in the bottom of the bag of pretzels. Darren had been eating all of them that had been rolling around for god knows how long with the nasty rat carcass inside. "I'M GONNA KILL THAT GUY!" He screamed out the window, and scared a stray dog in the process.
We can't hold the homeless guy accountable though, because he said we wouldn't be disappointed. The rest of us weren't, and we'll never let him forget that he ate gross rat brain pretzels.
We dropped him off at the hospital, because who knows what kind of nasty and gross shit might have been on those tasty brown bundles of fun. Luckily he didn't get poisoned or die, but now he has to live with a lifetime of torment from the rest of us. That, and resentment to Rold Gold.
User Reviews
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
we had a resident hobo at my uni campus when i was there.
he smelled bad.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Free rat??? Where's this tramp?
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-31 17:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dave, what's your Aim handle dude?
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ToxicNarcotic (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for life
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-30 08:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-03-30 00:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MWAHAHAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!!! Yer friend is stupid!
On the other side of the coin, The 24(toof) I worked part time in Boston had its own "watch hobo". He would chase away any bad 'bos and clean the area(looking fer old scratchers, but still clean up), and when he wasnt to piss drunk he would generally not be a big nuisance.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if the guy had a long grey beard, his name was corneilus.
i'm going to post about father corneilus right now.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Urbane Mischief: ours will be fucking chilli dogging your hookers and aiming so they jizz all over your homeless dudes
ericnycnj: ours will fucking strawberry shortcake your hookers while raw dogging them in the ass
ericnycnj: chilli dogging is so hot
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone naive enough to actually eat pretzels purchased from a crazy hobo on the street at 2 AM deserves whatever disgusting surprise he might get. I believe Darwin called it "natural selection."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Jason Lee.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That bum was part of a vast right wing conspiracy to taint all pretzels with rat.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T DISGUST THIS!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Once I thought I was buying pretzels from a homeless man, but then it turned out I was slurping his rippled knob in broad daylight, because I had taken a toke from a marijuana cigarette.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for Brodie.
-2 for making me too sick to eat lunch.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-29 14:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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