Shlongy Starts His Summer Diet - Thank God (1653 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.9 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I'm Shlongy, Dammit (View user info) at 2005-03-29 15:37:21 EST
When you get a bit older, no matter HOW much money you have, you STILL should at least, put some fucking effort into looking decent...especially if you plan on spending time at the beach in the summer.
Now I do spend a lot of my free time playing golf - a nice, semi-baggy golf shirt tucked into some cacqui shorts always looks kind of stylish on the course- and it can hide some deformities on your body, especially in the middle age mid-section.
But Mrs. Shlongy doesn't golf...so if I plan on getting any action on a week-to-week basis- not counting my own brand of self abuse - I do have to spend some time with her during the glorious nice weather days of a Hilton Head Island spring and summer.
What we do is hit the beach.
Only a 10, 15 minute drive and we're lounging on the sand , feeding seagulls Cheez-Its, and staring at the Atlantic Ocean. And young chicks' asses. But I digress.
Anyway, We'll pack a cooler with some beers, maybe a water or two...some Cheez-Its...suntan lotion...a portable CD player...a couple of Rancid CD's...two beach chairs...a towel(s)...Sports Illustrated or some golf book...and spend a day doing nothing but relaxing at the beach...about once every week or two.
Now last summer, when I was retired, I was able to go to the gym like 5 times a week - plus, I could squeeze in a couple of hundred crunches every day so I could fit my skinny ass into some size 31 waist pants.
After just three weeks back at work...nary a gym visit...and at least 5 stops at goddamn McDonald's for a "Number 2, large, no onions", I'm feeling the stress in my waistband. Yup, I'm getting fat again. A skinny fat guy. It's NOT a good look.
So, I've done my due diligence and finally found something that I can snack on to fill the void. It's low in calories...pretty much always tastes great...and you can eat all you want, without gaining a pound.
In fact, I'm guessing you will lose weight sticking to a strict diet of munching on this specialty treat.
Ladies and gentlemen...I give you...
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-02 14:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get ready for a few hits, Mr. post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-10-10 19:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot how great this was.
Apparently, so did pretty much everyone else.
Submitted by Danzxc (user info) at 2005-07-28 23:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You still suck dick -2 bitch
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-06-27 22:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-14 18:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by frap (user info) at 2005-04-14 17:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy inventor of dick atkins
High in protien and father shame
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-07 08:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-05 02:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never did dig the whole revenge -2 thing. It's just a rating. You're a smart ass. So what's the big fucking deal? If a guy's a smartass, you can't just walk around crying about it. People seem to have a major stick up their asses over this shit. Rate the post, not the poster.
And I've rated the post. And the poster. Shlongy, you're one in...uh...seventeen thousand something.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Good have another
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-04 19:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No shit, Tom.
All of my posts start out, well, OK, MOST of my posts start out with a rating of around +1.42.
Then, as the days pass by, by the time the revenge fucks, the zitboy teenage geekers, the alters, and the nonposting reviewers finish with them, they're back down to +.13.
Lots of revenge -2's , to the most honest rater in the league...me.
I even won a Uber award once, for my rating abilities.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-04-04 17:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, aren't revenge -2's great, Shlongy? You seem to get a lot of em.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-04-04 17:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your ranking on another post. you deserve it.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-04-04 14:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Incredibly gay attempt by an incredibly gay old man.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-02 15:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how original.......
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-02 14:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-01 11:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How does your breath manage to smell like ass even through the internet, Kai?
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-31 21:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Eat this -2, ya fat fuck! Lol!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:48:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
Poor widdle WhatTheHell isn't getting enough attention today...waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
I'll beat your ass to a pulp the next time I'm anywhere NEAR New England, you fucking loser.
No go on...go troll for attention, fatass Carrot Top.
------------
Don't get your blood pressure all up dude....
I've never had a "pulped ass" before, in 39 years even.... that would be an experience I'm sure.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 12:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah...it's not really Mrs. Shlongy.
It's Mrs. Beavage.
hello, testing...2...2...sybolance...Is this thing on?
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-30 12:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know if you grab one of those old exercise bikes for like $40, and you use it for like 30 minutes a day at high intensity, you'll drop a ton of weight fast.
I'd laugh if your wife's real name was Mrs. Shlongy. Clearly it's not, but it'd be funny.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where's AdamDidIt2U?? He is always sniffing around your posts??
Oh wait, there he is ;
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:13:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Poor widdle WhatTheHell isn't getting enough attention today...waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh
I'll beat your ass to a pulp the next time I'm anywhere NEAR New England, you fucking loser.
No go on...go troll for attention, fatass Carrot Top.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Douchebag.
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's OK, too. Just don't leave the bodies there. The greyhounds would love to gnaw on some good ol' people bones.
Let me know when you're in my area.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-30 11:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
OR I could just kill them.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's OK, Jeannie...Just tell the other three people ALSO hiding in the bushes to move over.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shlongy, I might need to start stalking you.
If you see a brunette hiding in the shrubs outside your house, please don't call the cops. It's just me. I already have a somewhat contentious relationship with the SC state police.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-30 09:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think it's kind of cute how professor fuckface, who cannot find enough Clearasil - the factory can't keep up with the prodcution levels needed to help him - is caling someone else - especially me- ugly.
BUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHhahahahahahhaha
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-03-30 08:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is awesome.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-03-30 04:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't you mean "KHAKI"??? Fucking retard!
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-30 02:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
CACQUI?????? what the fuck is that word shlong? sorry but we dont have that word here in down under. Mate just snack on the salad if you are genuine about the weight drop.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-03-30 02:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-03-29 23:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too bad you can't work off the ugly
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-29 23:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MattoInc (user info) at 2005-03-29 21:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Mr. Penis, you seem to have some deep-set issues that may be a result of bearing the nickname of male genetalia.
I may be giving you too much credit, but did you intentionally misspell a simple word like "khaki", deliberately spelling it "CACqui"? Or are you just below the intelligence level of the squirrel left over in my tires? Because "cac" means penis in Vietnamese... hence the hilarity in Nam regarding the Combined Action Combat units.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck's the story with my newfound "high ratings"?
Looks like you bastards need another Shlongy poem.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck on the diet! (BTW, I luv me some skinny mans!)
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ew, Lay's kettle chips are disgusting. I like the chips that make only kettle chips and popcorn. Fuck me if I remember their name.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The diet's off to a rough start.
I'm pretty certain that that bag of "Lay's Kettle Cooked Chips" I just inhaled wasn't a part of the original plan.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet tits.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
How did you get fat on your current diet of tubesteak & manjuice protein shakes? SHENNANNNNNNINGANNNNS!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love dogs.
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"cacqui shorts"??
Tell me your joking (khaki)!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
But we already HAD our March sex...together...I'm not scheduled again with her until April.
I've told y'all 1000 times...If anyone is ever driving down Interstate 95 to Florida or some fucking place...Exit 8, Hilton Head Island...My house is literally 20 minutes and ONE left turn away from the major highway.
All Shlongy needs is a little warning. Visitors always welcome. I don't like visitors but the dogs love them so what the fuck. And I have more booze in my house than many bars stock. I'm crappin' you negative.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your devotion to the Shlong is commendable - do you have a shrine to Him, in your basement?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You crack me up.
Do you know how many calories you can burn during sex?
Well I don't either. I imagine quite a few though.
You don't need to diet. Just tell your wife you can
burn a shitload of calories having sex. Taa daa
Two birds. One stone. No gym. No diet. A lot of sex.
http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/csex.htm
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than this fucking Twix, I bet.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with the diet.
Now when are you going to invite me to hang out on Hilton Head with you and your hot wife? I make an excellent low-country boil and I'm a very considerate guest. Oh and I'm totally down with three-ways.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got my winter skinny fat on now too, I feel your pain!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and at least 5 stops at goddamn McDonald's for a "Number 2, large, no onions",
==================================================================================
Which leads to a "Number 2, large, with corn"
Good post, great pic
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anorexia Nervosa?
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
29 jeans, no less.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So, I'm halfway through this shite, and I'm thinking, "who gives a flying rat's ass what this fucking guy and his wife pack up in the igloo and bring to the beach."
And then the money shot...
Well done.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I gotta get me some o' that.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Okay, the picture got me.
But hey, I eat a bowl of ice cream almost every day. I barely exercise in the winter, and I'm still snug in a size 29.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, it's khaki shorts, remember those retarded GAP commercials?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey...I resent the name calling, bee-otch.
I'm not rich.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you for living on Hilton Head Island.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for Jussipussi.
-2 for being a rich, arrogant golfer, fucko.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bring some napkins
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The standard ahahahahahahaaaa..applies here.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 15:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Eat ALL you want....Mmmmm, mmmm good.