Come Over For a Pizza & a Fuck? (NSFW + Camwhore) (3608 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-29 17:45:58 EST
The room is dark, dismal and full of smoke. In his mind it is the perfect setting to acquire a one night stand. He works his way up to the bar and checks out the ladies. He makes mental notes which ones are available, and which appear to have already paired off for the evening.
A woman in her early thirties looks as if she is unaccompanied, but she exudes a 'leave me alone tonight' vibe. "Maybe once she has a few more drinks she will lighten up a little bit" he says to himself as he takes a swig of his beer. A look off to the far left and he sees a crowd rolling in. He pays no attention to those girls, because, well they are girls and he is not a pig.
Off to the far right of the bar there is the crowd of regulars. One woman in particular catches his attention. Her beauty resonates from her warm, welcoming smile as she greets her friends and anyone else who approaches her. "Why am I so afraid?" he mumbles to his beer as he chugs the remainder of the glass. "Tonight... I will do it tonight." He whispers to himself as he stares into the bottom of his empty beer mug. He motions for the bartender to bring another and a few shots.
"JOE!.... OH JOE!" is heard from across the bar by the door. He tries to keep his body from cringing, but his head is making a desperate attempt to disappear into his shoulders. He puts on his most pleasant face as he turns to face the haggard demon that descends upon him. "Hi Kimmy" he says with his best forced smile.
"Whatchaaaa up tooooo?" she asks in her annoyingly drawn out voice.
"Nothing Kimmy, just seeing what's up is all." He says as he turns his attention back to the object of his desires. Kimmy's words were drowned out by the sound of his own thoughts. 'Never have I tried to go home with her. I think of her all night, I watch her all night, then I chicken out on speaking to her and settle for.... Well, whoever.' Joe downs his shots as he mentally curses his lack of self esteem.
There was something about her that made every man who didn't know her nervous, and yet they still had the desire to be around her. People are drawn to her despite the fact that she isn't the youngest or the most attractive woman at the bar. The most attractive women at the bar usually spent the night trying to talk to her as well. She radiated sex appeal, and it seemed to have an affect on everyone who had ever gotten close to her.
Joe decided it was now or never as he excused himself from the conversation just as she began to rise from her chair. He always tried to get a seat near the ladies room, just so he could think of something to say to her. He needed a reason to speak to her.
He attempted to cut her off on the way to the bathroom. Maybe she would strike up a conversation with him.
His goddess stopped directly in front of him as his mouth opened but no sound came out. She smiled out of kindness, but he didn't notice. She waited a moment, but he still struggled.
"Hi, are you okay?" she asked
"Yeah, hi, I just wanted to come over and say hello." He began as his voice trailed off.
Sensing his discomfort she chimed in with "So, I've seen you in here quite a few times. You seem to keep to yourself though."
"Yeah"
"Well you are more then welcome to come over and sit with me and my friends, as long as you promise to behave yourself" she said with a playful smile and twirl of her hair.
"That's nice of you" he said as he fidgeted with his beer.
"No problem, but you have to promise me one favor" she asked with her biggest puppy dog eyes.
He rubbed the back of his neck nervously "Of course anything" as he gazed at his love.
She leaned in closely to make sure she had his complete attention and whispered "I will invite you to sit with us under the condition that you stop speaking to my tits, because although they love the attention, they are completely fucking deaf."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-26 11:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-26 11:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you've certainly won the two routes to MY heart. I'll eat you and then fuck the pizza. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, everyone wins!
RESURECTION
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-26 11:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you've certainly won the two routes to MY heart. I'll eat you and then fuck the pizza. Or maybe the other way around. Either way, everyone wins!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-24 09:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such a great title!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-24 09:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE BOOBIES!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-27 15:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I be your Internet stalker for a while? Just a couple of times around the parking lot?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-11-01 16:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok been reading all your stuff since I found you today. Good shit, nice tits!
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-04-20 03:38:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn those are fine tits. If they ever need a massage or a nipple-sucking let me know. Seriously.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-15 12:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:54:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for putting that chauvenist pig in his place!
Oh, and nice tits, btw.
Ha, I never thought that Jack would come out with a statement that I agree with.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:18:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I HAVE one and have never heard any complaints...except from myself.
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Well then <ahem> ask Mrs. Shlongy what the going rate for your services are. I'm dying to see you lick your eyebrows <giggle>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-15 11:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I HAVE one and have never heard any complaints...except from myself.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:48:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
How'd you like a present? I'd be happy to give you a nice, shiny, pearl necklace. Interested?
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Yes, but only if your name is Shlongy for a VERY obvious reason.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wowzer
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How'd you like a present? I'd be happy to give you a nice, shiny, pearl necklace. Interested?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-13 10:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not originally from the area so I don't know the name of the school but I know the street and area.
No need to stalk me my life can be wrapped up in a few actions:
Work
Eat
Play with kid
Sleep
Repeat.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-12 17:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:33:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Post
I noticed on Rizzo's B@W post you live near the WAWA he spoke of.
How close are you I am in Cinnaminson.
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I have family that lives over on Walnut across from the elementary school (I forget the name of it). I live outside Montgomeryville in PA, I could stalk you, but that would involve me paying alot of tolls haha.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-12 13:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Post
I noticed on Rizzo's B@W post you live near the WAWA he spoke of.
How close are you I am in Cinnaminson.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-04-06 11:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice chesticles.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-05 14:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baby, I was born on the dark side.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2005-03-31 23:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for a cute punchline.
-2 for having big boobies
Signed,
Green with Envy
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-31 22:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should hang out with me some time. For some reason my guy friends always get laid when they go out with me. Of course, that could just be because of the mixture of booze and shitty lighting.
****************************
Do they get laid BY you? If so, I think I've solved the mystery.
I am a detective.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-31 10:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
""Oh, sweetie...are YOU in for a disappointment.
Not that I'm butt-ugly, but I don't look like Brad Pitt in the slightest. However, I actually don't have any trouble talking to women...it's NAILING them that gives me problems.
Heh.""
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Oh, come on now... it can't be that bad. And if it is, well, that's why God made paper bags haha.
You should hang out with me some time. For some reason my guy friends always get laid when they go out with me. Of course, that could just be because of the mixture of booze and shitty lighting.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-30 20:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:07:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? My guy friends talk like that all the time and usually it's barely above a whisper when they do. Of course that could be because I hang out with guys who have crappy self esteem and have to work up their courage to do everything. But since I imagine you as a strapping young man who resembles Brad Pitt.... I figure that you don't have any problem talking to women. :-)
*********************************
Oh, sweetie...are YOU in for a disappointment.
Not that I'm butt-ugly, but I don't look like Brad Pitt in the slightest. However, I actually don't have any trouble talking to women...it's NAILING them that gives me problems.
Heh.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:17:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
Your boobs aren't that hot.
Sorry, but they look like your bra would fit my skull, and that's just wrong.
------------------
I never said they were. This is just my attempt to distract some attention from the shit-posters who consistently receive more hits then the people who actually write. By my calculations, I believe that by the end of the week, this shit post of mine will get more hits then anything of merit I've actually written.
Go hitwhore!!! Woooo!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your boobs aren't that hot.
Sorry, but they look like your bra would fit my skull, and that's just wrong.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-30 10:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-29 22:53:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha!! Like Manicmother said, sweeeeeet punchline. That last line made the whole story. Nicely done. I thought it was a little scattered there in the middle (e.g. i didn't think kimmy was necessary).
---------- Of course it was scattered. I wrote it, come on, you should know me a little better by now.
Also, when he says to himself, "tonight I will do it" I thought maybe he was going to kill her. No one says things like that to themselves unless they're plotting evil.
----------- Really? My guy friends talk like that all the time and usually it's barely above a whisper when they do. Of course that could be because I hang out with guys who have crappy self esteem and have to work up their courage to do everything. But since I imagine you as a strapping young man who resembles Brad Pitt.... I figure that you don't have any problem talking to women. :-)
I would like to give you a hug, but I'm not sure I could get close enough.
--------- You could still try though ;-P
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-29 22:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha!! Like Manicmother said, sweeeeeet punchline. That last line made the whole story. Nicely done. I thought it was a little scattered there in the middle (e.g. i didn't think kimmy was necessary). Also, when he says to himself, "tonight I will do it" I thought maybe he was going to kill her. No one says things like that to themselves unless they're plotting evil.
I would like to give you a hug, but I'm not sure I could get close enough.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-29 22:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
oh yeah i love the theater too....
...
no yeah i was reading it....like....
...
where am I?
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-03-29 21:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. And you have some breathtaking cleavage.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-29 21:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A-Ha! Well done!
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice.
You have a beautiful smile...heh
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah, nice punchline.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:05:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
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Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:05:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, wrong person
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Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:00:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
See you in hell, stupid fucking bitch.
*************************
I almost died. Haha, remind me not to get on your bad side.... I see you thought I was someone else huh? Look familiar huh?? hmmm...... maybe I am who you think I am <insert evil laughter>
Unless that will make you curse at me more, then I am a complete Uberstranger.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good, sonny boy.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, wrong person
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-29 19:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
See you in hell, stupid fucking bitch.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
little known fact, tits _do_ know sign language, try it
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:31:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:06:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why girls don't like it when guys stare at or talk to their tits. I would feel complimented if I was talking to a chick and she was staring at my cock the whole time.
Shit, I would feel pretty fucking happy just to be talking to a chick in the first place.
-------------------
Normally I don't mind. But as soon as they say some stupid shit like "You have gorgeous eyes" or "Anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful smile?" when they haven't looked higher then my neck. Then I tend to get a little tuned up.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are some luscious breasts. I'd do ya. Huh, what? Good writing.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why girls don't like it when guys stare at or talk to their tits. I would feel complimented if I was talking to a chick and she was staring at my cock the whole time.
Shit, I would feel pretty fucking happy just to be talking to a chick in the first place.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello? Funbags? Can anyone hear me??
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give a little suckle suckle.
.....Oh and well written story to, by the way.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:00:26 (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better..........and I'm not talking about the writing.
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I think Howie is bitter because his are bigger.
Submitted by SwissCamel (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-03-29 18:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better..........and I'm not talking about the writing.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha!! Nice!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for putting that chauvenist pig in his place!
Oh, and nice tits, btw.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-03-29 17:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahah!