Alexander Pentagraham Bell, Satanic Inventor of the Telephone (922 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-03-31 02:48:32 EST
There has been a lot of debate in this recent post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/63026 about pentagrams and other symbols. Are the Satanic? Are they pagan? Are they Christian? Does the devil even exist, and does he listen to HIM? I'd like to clear up the confusion right now and give you the real truth. No bullshit, no propaganda:
SATAN IS EVERYWHERE.
He's under your bed. He's behind your back. He's in your closet, urging you to come out (tee hee). He's tapping your phone lines, he's reading your emails. Who do you think is gouging his jagged fingernail into your chest when you get heartburn? Satan. Who do you think is jerking you off when you have a wet dream? Satan, fucker.
Pentagrams, hell. Satan is dark lord over all Euclidean geometry. Parallelograms? More like paraHELLograms! Triangles? More like FRYangles! (As in people's souls FRYING in hell and... that might be a stretch.) Circles? There are nine of them in hell! Basically the only non-Satanic shape is the square, and, well, need I say more?
And all those myths about playing rock music backwards to hear Satanic messages? They're almost true. You don't have to play the songs backwards. They're already singing about Satan! Don't believe me? I'll prove it!
Musicians sing a lot of love songs. Innocent-sounding ballads of devotion to someone they call "Baby." Little does the public know that "baby" is an ancient Druidic term for none other than...
George "Babyface" Nelson, famous bank robber!
Just kidding, Satan! The two long pointy parts of the letters "b" represent horns, while the letter "y" represents a forked tongue or pitchfork. And do you recognize the familiar vowel "a"? You should! It's the one and only vowel contained in the word SATAN AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me tell you a story that the conspiracy of politicians, clergy, and popular metal bands have kept hidden from you for all these years. The story of the telephone. I know you think you've heard it before, but the fuck with whatever pansy-ass watered-down shit you heard about a mild-mannered Scottish inventor with a friend named Watson. You know what Watson is an anagram for? Satown. I shouldn't even have to tell you what that means.
Alexander Pentagraham Bell was spawned by the forsaken souls of a rapist and a murderer in the pits of Hades on March 3, 1847 in Edinburgh, Scotland. Bell is best known for his invention of the telephone, which he originally named the Bellophone in proud and narcissistic tribute to himself, then later renamed the Hellophone in honor of his true master. Many inventors had been working on the idea of sending human speech by wire, but Bell was the first to succeed, because he SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL!
The invention of the telephone grew out of both a wicked, demonic craving to invade the homes of the pure and innocent with the vilest, most wretched blasphemy imaginable, and improvements Bell had made to the telegraph. He had developed the "harmonic telegraph" which could send more than one message at a time over a single telegraph wire, one of which was always subliminal and Satanic. In 1875, along with his assistant Thomas A. Watson (whose full name is an anagram for "As to whom? Satan!"), Bell constructed instruments that transmitted recognizable voice-like sounds which haunted people's darkest nightmares and made teenagers have sex with furniture.
Bell obtained his first telephone patent on March 7, 1876 by impaling half the employees of the patent office on metal poles, drinking their blood, and spitting it on the walls to spell out "GIVE ME A PATENT OR BE ASSFUCKED BY DINOSAURS FOR ALL ETERNITY." It took a long friggin time. Three days later he and Watson, located in different rooms, were about to test the new type of transmitter described in his patent. Watson heard Bell's voice saying, "Mr. Watson, come here. I want you." Watson knew his time had come to die by the hands of the evil genius Alexander Pentagraham Bell, who would then claim all the glory for himself. He ran like hell (there has to be another word I can use for that by now) and was never heard from again. The first telephone company, Bell Telephone Company, was founded on July 9, 1877, and the last dying hope for humanity was strangled in telephone cords.
You poor sons of bitches. Not only is technology of the devil, so is nature. It's like you have no chance. You're living on a godless planet inhabited by Tasmanian devils, devil rays, devil fish, beelzebugs and luciferns. What righteous animal will save you from them? Angelfish? Not unless you can live underwater. The Jesus Lizard? Broke up in '99.
Bottom line? Pentagrams are the least of your problems. The clothes you're wearing right now are symbols of Satan. If you're naked, your genitals are Satanic symbols. If you have no genitals, you've already experienced hell. Pentacles or not, you're all fucked. In the words of the Satanic metal band Alexander and the Pentagrahams,
"Satan!
Debatin'!
Creatin'!
Deflatin'!
Pentacles or not, you're all fucked!!!"
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(original Bell biography taken from lucidcafe.com)
User Reviews
Submitted by TheRocketeer (user info) at 2005-04-04 12:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"beelzebugs and luciferns"
that alone earns you +2. fucking awesome.
Submitted by stevetherugbyman (user info) at 2005-04-02 06:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-03-31 18:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some classy scrabble skills on those anagrams.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I decided to try your stuff, and, I liked this.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:28:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
meh...reasonable.
Bell didn't invent the telephone by the way..he nicked it off some italian dude.
No, not the pope
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Didn't anybody ever tell you that Satan is Italian?
The pope is Polish anyway, dumbass.
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2005-03-31 15:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-03-31 14:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHHH!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-31 13:39:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More people should read your stuff. You're funny.
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-03-31 11:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good alternative view of the argument.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-03-31 10:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure what just happened here, but I don't think it was bad.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this a lot.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-03-31 09:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh...reasonable.
Bell didn't invent the telephone by the way..he nicked it off some italian dude.
No, not the pope
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-31 08:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-03-31 08:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-31 05:30:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Jesus Lizard? Broke up in '99.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-03-31 02:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
paraHELLograms. rock on.